Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Can't hold it back anymore

Does your daughter love "Frozen"? Does she dream of being friends with Elsa? Has she ever told you that, when she grows up, she wants to be a neurosurgeon?

Well, now she can have it all!

Love the toenail polish
Yes, for the first time in forever, your little princess can be the attending neurosurgeon on call at Arendelle Regional (the area's only Trauma One center), when the queen presents with a hemiparesis after a skiing accident. She has an evolving epidural hematoma, and only YOU can save her!

Of course, neurosurgery isn't all brains (in fact, I've known a few neurosurgeons that may not have one at all). You could also be the pediatric spine specialist working when the royal family presents to discuss their young daughter's scoliosis.

I'm not making this up. Google it yourself.

Helluva pic, isn't it? Apparently someone forgot to call anesthesia before they started cutting. Also, if your surgery scars look like this, I'd probably find a surgeon who isn't in DT's during the procedure. Granted, some weekends that can be a challenge.

Oh, wait, now the anesthesiologist came in, so we can proceed. Who needs to intubate when you've got a binkie?

"A few Harrington rods and we'll have the spine frozen in place. Get it? Frozen?"

Of course, maybe brains and backs aren't your thing. Perhaps you prefer to work at the opposite end of the body. Well, there's a game for that, too:

"He does look a lot like Kristoff, Anna, but I swear it's just a coincidence."

Isn't that just wonderful? I mean, if you're sick of this shitty winter weather, here's your chance for payback with a big honking episiotomy. And with Elsa, you don't have to worry about warming the speculum. She's probably colder than it is, and it's not like the cold ever bothered her... Anyway.

Of course, the fun is only beginning with these skanky games. What else can give your little princess a healthy idea for a female role model than seeing a heavily-pregnant member of Arendelle's royalty doing housework?

"Hey, babe, can you get me a beer while you're up? Oh, and Sven shit in the hall, when you get a chance."

Apparently the pregnant midriff look is what's hot in Arendelle these days (probably the only thing that is). I'm pretty sure none of these sites are officially endorsed by Disney. And that one definitely isn't sanctioned by Kate, Duchess of Cambridge, either.

Of course, there's always the chance that Elsa will get sick of vacuuming and deck the cad (Prince Hans, I bet) who did this to her. One good punch and he's headed back to the Southern Isles. Let's just hope she doesn't hit him too hard or else...

"Hey! What the fuck is Dora doing in the picture?"

It may be expected that you kiss the Queen's hand when meeting her... But I'd have to decline. Looking at those sores, I don't know where it's been. For that matter, I don't want to know, either. Especially if it's reindeer Brucellosis.

No matter what happens, Elsa is likely going to need time to get back to normal. Which brings us too...

"Wait. Why the hell is there a paintbrush in here? Some horrible crafting accident?"

 And, I think it's about time to... let it go.

Thank you, Craig, for bringing these horrifying games to my attention.


Anonymous said...

those are great games! i've only played the first so far but you can tell it's legit because the ice shards that elsa has in various body parts arent just melting. oh and i also learned something playing that game. you can heal broken bones (especially a broken neck) with an x ray machine. no wonder the guy who discovered those got a nobel prize.

Reds Kevin said...

You should really keep an eye on what your son is playing sir!

Anonymous said...

Oh, my sweet horrors in freeze frame!

I'm sorry, but I'm substituting my reality for this..this...I don't even know what this is.

In my reality, these are not a thing, these are not a thing, thesearenotathing..

No, no, nope and nope.

Sweet nail polish, though.

Anonymous said...

You are hy-ster-i-cal! I could hardly contain myself when I was supervising a study hall and reading this. Thanks for the laughs!


Packer said...

Has all the look of a former Soviet Block Country invention.

Brent said...

Okay, these games might be tacky. But, did anyone notice that these aren't (for the most part)your stereotypical girl games?

Anonymous said...

You made all this up, right?? These 'games' aren't really out there??

Grumpy, M.D. said...

All real. Google them yourself if you don't believe me.

Lizard said...

easily the most horrifying games I have ever seen. Glad to know Craig is looking out for us, finding this stuff.

I will say that diagnosing rashes is not my favorite part of primary care, but I am confident those things on her hands aren't warts or she'd have frozen them off herself.

Ms. Donna said...

Take away or monitor Craig's Internet access. He's obviously not researching hair products. :-)

Anonymous said...

I do not even want to imagine what a Rule 34 search would find.

Anonymous said...

I think they've got the polar ice blue and bublegum pink color scheme down pretty well, as well as the consternated or constipated facial expression, and bottle-golden hair, too.

Anonymous said...

There is a pregnancy bathroom clean up game as well. And hearing "Let It Go" while looking at a tsunami of crap just made my day.

"Here I sit, and here I stay! Let the stomach rage on! Cold seats never bothered me anyway..."

Anonymous said...

Fusing spine in a very young child? You mean the game makers don't care about crankshaft phenomenon?

Anonymous said...

Oh, I'm sure the Disney copyright patrol will be so _very_ pleased with these...

Anonymous said...

The Chinese never cease to amaze me with copyright infringement.

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