Thursday, August 21, 2014

Skool Nerse time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

School is starting soon, and, as your school nurse, I'd like to offer some tips to help make this a better year for all of us.

1. I'm happy to handle your child's medications. That's part of what I do. Please be sure to bring them in with useful instructions. DO NOT drop them off outside my office door after I've left, or hang them in a grocery bag on the school's front gate overnight. Have you people seen the kind of neighborhood Douglas C. Kenney Elementary school is in? Billy's bottle of Adderall is worth a lot of money here, and likely made some junkie very happy. Can't imagine how you explained that to your pediatrician.

2. Where it says "Allergies" on the form, writing "yes," "sometimes," or "depends" doesn't give me much useful information. Please be sure to include details, like what Sara is allergic to (unless she really is allergic to Depends).

3. Writing movies you don't want your kids seeing is not what the forms are for. Talk to the teacher. I understand, as I'm sick of the music from "Frozen," too, but I'm not the person who deals with this.

4. Some of your kids know my kids. Fine. As a result, they know my kid's cell phone numbers. That's fine, too. BUT my kids are NOT a reliable way to pass messages to me in my capacity as the school nurse. Hell, they aren't a reliable way to pass messages AT ALL. Having your kid text my kid something like "Lacey has a fever of 104 and rash, can she still come to school?" or "Please have Phil in your office at 8:15 so I can take him to the dentist" should not be relayed through my kids. Stop it. I have a direct line and emails. They're on the school's website.

5. Calling the above number is not going to get you an appointment with my husband. Depending on how badly you piss me off when trying, the opposite might occur.

6. Although I said this before, I need to emphasize it. DO NOT claim to be part of Jenny McCarthy's Army just because you're too damn lazy to get me your kids vaccination records. If as many of you were anti-vaccine as claim to be, you wouldn't be alive.

7. On the form where it asks who's allowed to pick up your kids "anyone I send" is not an acceptable answer.

8. Writing "Do not allow wasps or bees to sting Evan" will not prevent them from doing so. Please address such requests to the Apocritae. I will only show it around the office, and we will laugh at you.

9. I keep "emergency" clothes up here for accidents. This is not the charity shopping mall. Do not send your kids in to "see if there's anything good."

10. No matter what you put on the form, there is absolutely no medical reason for a 7 year old to be carrying a cigarette lighter to school. Don't argue with me.

Thank you! Everyone have a great year!


Anonymous said...

The interaction between school, health services, and consent and confidentiality gets a bit bizare at times.
Our school nurse (in highschool) was allowed to give us condoms, arrange for STD or pregnancy testing without our parents knowing, and even take us offsite for related treatment, but couldn't give us a throat lozenge or paracetamol unless our parents had signed a consent form.
Once the sixth formers hit 18, they had to sign their own consent forms.
The paperwork deity, it must be obeyed.

Anonymous said...

The wasps won't hurt Evan. They took an apocritic oath.

Anonymous said...

A 7-year-old carrying a lighter? What excuse was offered?

Packer said...

I am just , in the can't wait to see frame of mind.

Can't wait to see what sort of tropical malady has crossed the border in our recent history only to grab hold of some child in Sept.

Don't anyone even say the word EBOLA, we will lose the entire school year.

Flower Dwarf said...

Ok, I cannot for the life of me understand why a child would need a lighter for medical purposes. An allergy to not burning things?

Anonymous said...

All I can say is thank God my kids are all grown and out of school. LOL

Lily Dixon said...

Number 8 made me laugh so much. Reminds me of some of the things that happen while I'm at work as a health care (nursing) assistant.

I'd love to know what the parent's reasoning was for their 7 year old to have a lighter though...

likebedsheetsRN said...

I always enjoy Skool Nerse Time. Look forward to it each year!

Candi said...

I'm trying to figure out the drug one. Just, what? (I handle my kids' occasional sick-meds at relevant paranoia levels.)

In our state, if your kid's not vaccinated, they don't go to public school. Be prepared to home school or pay for private school.

A lot of parents shut up their complaining about the policy last year when a new student at my son's middle school, from a state that doesn't have such a policy, was found to be carrying the live polio virus. Yay for herd immunity.

KeepSmiling said...

I don't know about McCarthy or her Army, but I do know in my state a couple years ago, so many parents actually did opt out of vaccinating that we had an epidemic of whooping cough. That was a fun year. Ever seen someone cough and cough and cough until they vomit?

Anonymous said...

Awww come on, the lighter is for that all important smoke between classes! I mean think about the area, Really people.

08armydoc said...

Nurse Grumpy needs her own blog

Tsunoba said...

Regarding number ten, how else is she going to light up the bong for her medical marijuana?

(Also lol'd at number eight.)

Marc Cabot said...

Don't be silly. Without the lighter, how is the kid supposed to cook their heroin?

And if you don't take your heroin, you get sick. Therefore, the lighter is a medical device. QED.

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