Family Fun

Part of taking a patient's story down is getting a family history. This is often skipped by docs in a hurry, but can be quite helpful in looking for the odd genetic disorder. So I still try to do it on each new patient.

Sometimes, though, you can get some mighty weird answers. So, to help you enjoy the 3 day weekend, here are a few from my archives.

"My mom had diabetes, but only when she was alive."

"Both my grandmothers got menopause. My mom may have it, too."

Dr Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"
Mr. Bozo: "No, but my Dad was a Lieutenant".

"My mom died of liver cirrhosis. Nobody knows how she got it, because she never smoked a day in her life."

"My brother has diabetes. I think it's gestational diabetes."

"My mom is 80 and healthy as a horse, except for her lung cancer."

"My grandparents were from Norway, or maybe Germany, or it could have been England. You know, one of those Russian countries."

"My parents are both fine, but my goldfish has been sick."

"My father died of uterine cancer".

"Family illnesses? Hell, Doc, I don't even know my Mom's last name anymore. She changes it all the fucking time".

Nice to Meet You, Mom

My 11:00 was a migraine patient who refuses to take medications, or Botox, or do anything else I have to offer for her migraines. Fine, that's her decision.

Yet, she keeps coming back to me to complain about them!

So today she brought her mother to the appointment. After reviewing (yet again) all the commonly used migraine treatments, the patient again refused them.

So then Mom starts yelling at me! "You are incompetent! You are a fool! You should be able to fix my beautiful daughter's migraines! I see her suffering every day!"

When I pointed out that I'd offered several treatments for migraines, and her daughter had refused all of them, she got even angrier! "That has nothing to do with why she is suffering! You are trying to change the subject!"

Then they both got up and walked out. Mom said she's going to take beautiful daughter to see "a real doctor!".

Does Anyone Else Think This is Weird?

For the record, I'm not in Cincinnati. In fact I'm nowhere near it. I am easily one LONG day's drive from there, maybe more. Keep this in mind. I have nothing against Cincinnati, or anyone living there, but I am not even close to the place. I've never been there.

So today, for no apparent reason, a guy (not even a patient) calls my office. Because of his yelling at my secretary I decided to set down my Diet Coke, get on the phone, and deal with him myself (most docs hide from confrontation- when I'm in the right mood I'll go looking for it).

Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Mr. Jackass: "I want to talk to the doctor NOW!"

Dr. Grumpy: "This is the doctor."

Mr. Jackass: "I need to know which hospitals are certified stroke centers!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, there's St. Hubbins, Pain Mountain, House of God..."

Mr. Jackass: "NO! Not here you idiot! I mean in CINCINNATI!!! I need to know the hospitals in Cincinati that are stroke certified!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Jeez, uh, I have no idea. I mean, I've never been to Cincinnati. I have no idea what hospitals are there at all."

Mr. Jackass: "You're a f--k--g neurologist's office, aren't you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, but we're nowhere near Cincinnati."

Mr. Jackass: "So what! You should know this shit! It should be part of your damn training!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look..."

Mr. Jackass: "You are absolutely NO help to me." (hangs up).


The sonuvabitch. He beat me to the hang up, too.

I'm Cruising with Stupid

A patient and I were chatting while I filled out some forms for him. Usually he and his wife go cruising a few times a year, though he's never been to Alaska. So I asked if they're going this Summer.

His response (and he was serious):

"No. They only have the real good deals early on. I don't want to go before tourist season starts because I don't think they put the glaciers out until June".

Marital Strife

Live! from Dr. Grumpy's office! In real time!

As I am typing this (they think I'm working on the chart) the couple across from me is actually fighting- and I mean swearing, cursing, and yelling at each other- over WHICH OF THEM DRINKS THE MOST WATER EACH DAY!!!

Dude, You're an Idiot

To make some extra money I do market research here and there. So last night I had a meeting on a new stroke drug.

I (male and over 6') walked into the market research place. The front counter was staffed by a teenage guy in a Black Sabbath T-shirt, who was reading a comic book and mumbling into a cell phone. When I signed in he asked me (I swear!):

"Dude, are you here for the doctor's meeting, or the survey on feminine hygiene products?"

Internists and Oxymorons

I got a letter today from a local internist. It featured this quote:

"His Alzheimer's disease is gradually worsening, but remains stable."

Uh, I Hate to Tell You This, But...

I see Alzheimer's patients all the time. Usually early on, but sometimes one is so advanced when they get brought in for the first time that you wonder how the family ever DIDN'T notice this before.

So today I had a talk with a family who swears grandma is fine, even though she doesn't know the year and thinks Eisenhower is President.

At one point the son said to me "Doc, Mama's perfectly fine. She can watch TV all by herself."

Sorry, folks. The ability to watch TV all by your lonesome does NOT constitute proof of a healthy IQ. Not even in the land of the couch potatoes.

You're lecturing ME???

We all have our vices. Mine is Diet Coke. I admit it. If my carbonation perversion offends you, go read another blog.

My 8:00 patient this morning, who smokes 2 packs a day and reeks of it, chewed ME out for drinking a Diet Coke during the appointment!

She gave me a 10 minute harangue of how bad it was for me, and how she never touches the stuff because she'd NEVER put something that dangerous in her body!

She had an unlit cigarette in her mouth the whole time, too.

More Wii

For the record, I'm not generally planning to make video, or non-medical posts, a major part of my site.

BUT since my post on self-inflicted Wii injuries (see below) has generated such an outpouring of comments and email, I thought I should put this up.

Death to the Wii Fit Trainer!

After returning from my exciting hour at the hospital, I decided to indulge in that perennial hobby of modern America- namely, trying to lose a few pounds.

So I got out the Wii Fit, chased the kids away from the TV (if I don't, they watch me exercise, like some sort of studio audience from hell, and make sarcastic comments).

I did some strength training exercises, as demonstrated by the Wii Fit trainer. For those of you don't have a Will Fit, this is a buff-looking computer animated trainer, male or female, that demonstrates exercises and tries to give you encouragement.

At one point, while balancing on one leg, I fell off and twisted my ankle. I'm lying there on the floor, in pain, holding it and trying to figure out if I broke something.

And while I'm lying there clenching my teeth, the Wii Fit trainer suddenly notices my weight is no longer on the balance board, and starts talking smack! "Hello? Are you still there? Where did you go? Your muscles aren't going to train themselves, you know!"

Without even thinking, and clouded with pain, I yelled "Shut the F--K up you digital a**hole!!!"

I looked up to see all 3 kids staring at me in shock. And Mrs. Grumpy looking REALLY pissed. All 3 dogs immediately ran away down the hall, realizing that this was NOT a good time for them to take my side.

I am in DEEP trouble.

Stupid Wii Trainer. This is all his fault.

Fun With Alcoholics

I got woken up this lovely Sunday to do a hospital consult. So I slugged down a Diet Coke and dragged myself in.

It was a guy in alcohol withdrawal (or "DT's" as we say in the medical biz).

Normally I'm used to these guys seeing bugs or animals crawling all over, but today I got something, uh, different.

I went into the patient's room. He was tied down to the bed (they usually are until they start to clear).

He thought he was at a pizza joint!

He offered me pizzas of various types, thick and thin crust, various toppings. As we talked he flirted with an imaginary waitress and spoke to imaginary friends that were going in and out of the restaurant.

He also kept asking if someone would bring him some Parmesan cheese and (of course) another pitcher of beer.

Why Didn't I Ever Get This Stuff?

The good old days of drug reps giving us pens, paper clips, and other pointless promotional items officially ended on January, 1, 2009. I miss them.

This was something the Viagra reps apparently gave to urologists. Regrettably, being a neurologist, I never received one.

New Antibiotics Research, Maybe...

I just had to put this up. It is so gross. Basically, an office refrigerator in San Jose was so full of moldy food that a Hazmat team had to be called to clean it.