Turing test

Guy in suit comes in and stands at the front. Mary was tied up on the phone, and Pissy's staff had run out to pick up lunch. So I walked over to deal with him.

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, can I help you?"

Suit guy: "HI! I'm your rep for the all-new Ginsu surgery center! Are YOU" (points finger at me) "Dr. Grumpy?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, yeah, but I don't do..."

Suit guy: "I'm here to get YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "to start doing YOUR outpatient procedures at the all-new Ginsu surgery center! What kind of outpatient surgical procedures do you do that we can help YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "with?"

Dr. Grumpy: "None, actually, I'm a neurologist and..."

Suit guy: "Of course you do! ALL doctors have procedures! Which ones do YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "do?"


(I look around. I'm alone. I hear Mary, with Pissy's returned secretary, out in the hall trying not to crack up in hysterics)


Dr. Grumpy: "EEG's. But those aren't..."

Suit guy: "We don't do THOSE at the all-new Ginsu surgery center, but we can help YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "achieve better results on your outpatient laparoscopic appendectomies, gall bladder removals, and orthopedic arthroscopies. Why don't YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "give the all-new Ginsu surgery center a try? I bet YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "would be pleasantly surprised at what we can do for YOU, Dr. Grumpy" (points finger at me) "and your patients!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude, but you're wasting your time here. I'm a neurologist. I don't do surgery of any kind."


Long pause


Suit guy: "None at all?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Zero. Nada. Zilch."

Suit guy: "Okay, so what do you, um, Dr. Grumpy" (sort-of points finger at me) "as a, uh neurologist doctor do, exactly?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I sit at a desk all day and try to look smart."


Longer pause


Suit guy: "Um, I mean... uh..."


He left.

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that shape your world.



DATELINE: FLORIDA: Xavier Moran was in a car accident, and told police that his dashboard camera could prove he was cut off by another driver. To prove it he turned the camera over to police and signed a waiver allowing them to search the data file.

Unfortunately, the same camera also had footage of Mr. Moran using a baseball bat to burglarize a beauty supply store a few hours prior to his accident.

He was arrested for the burglary. No word yet on whether someone really did cut him off in traffic.



DATELINE: NEW YORK: Police were mobilized last Thursday after someone reported an escaped tiger running loose in Manhattan.

Investigating officers found it was actually a racoon.

A local news reporter suggested the caller visit a zoo to learn the difference.

The racoon has been turned over to the ASPCA.




DATELINE: not sure, somewhere in the U.S.

A reader sent in this pic of an, uh, innovative way to replace a broken rear window:

Special

Now I really feel valued. Thanks, Medscape!

Thank you, CU!

Teenage boys

Craig texted me after his zoology/botany class.

Mary's desk

Lady comes in, stands at counter.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Lady: "I'm here for my blood draw."

Mary: "We don't do labs draws here... Are you one of Dr. Grumpy's patients?"

Lady: "No, I'm enrolled in the research study, and was told I needed to have my blood drawn."

Mary: "Oh, okay. You're looking for the research center. They're 2 doors down the hall. Just go out  and take a left."

Lady: "You know, you people don't make it very easy to participate in your studies. I mean, I drove all the way here from south Grumpyville, and now you're refusing to draw my labs."

Mary: "You're not in the right office for that, ma'am. It's 2 doors down the hall, on your left. They have a big sign that says "Medical Research."

Lady: "Who is in charge here?"

Mary: "Uh, Dr. Grumpy."

Lady: "I want you to know I'm reporting your unhelpful attitude to him. Getting here on time wasn't easy."

Mary: "But..."

Lady: "Have a nice day."

Walks out.

Majority rules

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other questions?"

Mrs. Kroger: "I just can't believe you don't think I have Parkinson's disease! They all said I did!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Who's 'they?' Your other doctors?"

Mrs. Kroger: "No, the cashiers over at Grocery World."