Medical news headlines

Seen in a chart

 

Medicine cabinet

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Clueless: "Hi, Dr. Grumpy has my wife on Fukitol, and it's either not helping, or it's making her sick. I'm not sure which."

Annie: "Okay, there's a big difference between those two things. Can you check with her, or just put her on the phone?"

Mr. Clueless: "She's at the casino with some friends, I can have her call you later?"

Annie: "Yeah, please have her..."

Mr. Clueless: "She's taking 2 and 1/2 pills twice each day."

Annie: "All right, it looks like she has both the 50mg and 200mg pill sizes from past scripts. Which size is she taking 2 and 1/2 of?"

Mr. Clueless: "I don't know. What difference does that make?"

Annie: "A lot. Just have her call me."

Mr. Clueless. "I will. Actually, maybe it's the Tidepod he has her on that's doing it."

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy doesn't have her on Tidepod. It's not in his field. Maybe one of her other doctors?"

Mr. Clueless: "Well, it's either Fukitol or Tidepod that she's taking, regardless of size, and it either isn't working or she needs a higher dose. Does that make sense... Actually, I'll just have her call you when she gets back, it will be in about an hour."

Annie: "That's probably for the best."

Best. Wikipedia. Page. Ever.

 

December 31, 2021

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call."

Mr. Scan: "Hi, doc, I need to talk to Annie, or whoever schedules tests for your practice."

Dr. Grumpy: "She's off this week, sir. My office message says we're closed until after New Years."

Mr. Scan: "Yeah, I heard that. Um, okay, maybe you can help me... Back in, uh, July, you sent me an order for an MRI. I have to get one every few years to follow up on my meningothingioma whatever, to make sure it isn't growing?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Mr. Scan: "Anyway, I've been busy, and I need to get the scan done today, otherwise my deductible starts over tomorrow. So I've been calling MRI places, and none of them can get me in today, and I guess I need an insurance authorization for it, too, so I need you or Annie to get an authorization ASAP, and call one of these places and tell them I'm in a life threatening situation or something to get it done. Let me give you the numbers of the places I've called..."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, sir. Look, this isn't going to happen. Your MRI is not medically urgent, for one thing, and..."

Mr. Scan: "You don't know that! If the tumor is growing I could die from it tonight!!!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, it was ordered back in July, as you pointed out. You're the one who didn't call to set it up until the last day of the year. My staff is on vacation now."

Mr. Scan: "It's not like your note said 'please call before Christmas or we'll be closed,' did it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not going to argue with you sir. The bottom line is that the last day of the year is not the time to call to get a test done that you should have had 5 months ago. Just because you didn't think about this until today doesn't make it an emergency. Call back next week and we'll get it set up for you."

Mr. Scan: "You medical people are all such inconsiderate assholes."

Click

Shutting down for holidays

See you next year!

Bad Reputation

Dr. Grumpy: "How's your floral business doing?"

Mrs. Dixon: "I had to close down... The pandemic just wiped it out."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm so sorry."

Mrs. Dixon: "Yeah, I mean, nobody saw that coming, but still... Anyway, in some ways it's been a blessing because it let me open a business that's closer to what I really wanted."

Dr. Grumpy: "What are you doing now?"

Mrs. Dixon: "I'm a psychic."

Reruns

Mr. Fatherly: "It was really stressful 3 months ago, because my son and his fiancée moved in with me."

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things now?"

Mr. Fatherly: "Better, my son finally moved out last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "What about his fiancée?"

Mr. Fatherly: "I married her. That's why he moved out."

Round and round we go

Dr. Grumpy: "Has the medication helped?"

Mr. Son: "I think mom is doing okay with it, and the staff at the Alzheimer's home tell me..."

Mrs. Mother: "Wait... the place I'm living at is for Alzheimer's disease?"

Mr. Son: "Yes, mom."

Mrs. Mother: "Why do I live there, anyway?"

Modern life

Guy comes into office, Mary slides open her window.

Mary: "Hi, you have a 1:00 appointment? Okay. Can I make a copy of your insurance card? Thank you... Do you have a mask?"

Mr. Beijerinck: "No. I don't need one."

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy asks that all patients wear them. Let me give you one."

Mr. Beijerinck: "Little lady, the pandemic is over, if there ever was one. I ain't wearing a mask."

Mary: "Sir, because of the nature of his field, Dr. Grumpy sees a lot of patients on medications that suppress their immune systems, so for their protection we ask that everyone wear a mask when they go back to see him. Here's one you can wear during your visit."

Mr Beijerinck: "You want me to wear this?"

Mary: "Yes, just while you're here, please."

Mr. Beijerinck: "Okay, here."

He tears the mask into little pieces, tosses them through the window onto Mary's desk.

Mr. Beijerinck: "That's what I think of your bullshit rules. Now, honey, just go tell the doctor that I'm here for my appointment."

Mary: "Thank you for letting me know. Here's your insurance card back, I haven't copied it. I'll let the doctor know that I cancelled your appointment. Have a nice day."

Mary closes her window, pretends to answer her phone, and ignores him until he leaves.

1:47 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Lacune: "Hi, thish ish Dave Lacune, you shaw me at the hoshpital a few days ago, when I had a shtroke."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes sir, are you okay? Your speech is pretty slurred, and I don't remember it having been affected by the stroke."

Mr. Lacune: "I'm fine. Look, you preshcribed Nomocva to me, to keep me from having another a shtroke, but I read about all itsh shide effectsh, and sho now I shtopped it and I'm afraid to take it."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm kind of concerned you've had another stroke, sir. Your speech is pretty slurred."

Mr. Lacune: "Nah, my shpeech ish like thish because I've been doing tequila shotsh and shmoking weed all night because I'm anxioush."

Pause

Dr. Grumpy: "What are you so anxious about?"

Mr. Lacune: "Becaushe I shtopped Nomocva, sho now I'm worried I might have another shtroke."

Seen in a hospital chart

 

Second opinion

Dr. Grumpy: "Let's see... At your last visit I prescribed Flipazol. Did that help?"

Ms. Webb: "No, it didn't do anything."

Dr. Grumpy: "Were there any side effects?"

Ms. Webb: "There were a lot of them. It was terrible! I can't believe you prescribed it for me!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Ms. Webb: "Actually, I never even had it filled. I didn't like all the side effects I read about."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why did you say it didn't help you?"

Ms. Webb: "A lady I met online told me it wouldn't."

Memories

In the early 1970's, my mom was found to have breast cancer. I was too young at the time to really understand it, and fortunately she's still around.

Anyway, she had a right mastectomy. At the time they waited about a year before they'd put in a breast implant, so during that time she used a prosthetic boob. She'd put it in her bra before leaving for work, and take it out when she got home.

Anyway, there was one day where she had a lot of errands to run, and when she got back was telling my dad how, everywhere she went, she got some strange looks. Nothing horrible, just people seemed surprised. She figured it was something she was wearing, or a large food stain on her blouse, or whatever.

My dad took her down the hall to their bathroom, where she'd left the fake breast lying on the counter.