Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Call: "Hi, I'm trying to reach Dr. Freenbeen."

Mary: "He doesn't work here, this is Dr. Grumpy's office. Let me look up Dr. Freenbeen's number for you."

Ms. Call: "I already have it. I can't reach him. That's why I called you."

Mary: "Oh... We're not affiliated with that office at all."

Ms. Call: "Yes, but I still need to reach them. I can't get through. The internet says you're both neurology offices, so I figured you'd have a way to."

Mary: "No, we don't"

Ms. Cell: "There isn't some secret network that connects you people? I saw that on the internet, too."

Mary: "There is no such thing. I have the same phone numbers you do."

Ms. Cell: "You people are so unhelpful."

Click.

Beware of the Dragon

Seen in a chart:

Thank you, J!

College

College kid: "Uh, hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Frank, what's going on?"

College kid: "Oh, hi Dad... Um, with what?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I got copied on an email from the university this morning that last night you'd violated some dorm rule by having an extension cord going all the way down the hall?"

College kid: "Oh, that... Yeah, I promised them it won't happen again. It was just an extension cord, though. I think they're making a big deal over it. Everyone has an extension cord."

Dr. Grumpy: "They told me it went from your room, down a hall, down 2 flights of stairs, down another hall, down the main front staircase, through the lobby, and then outside and about halfway across the parking lot."

College kid: "Yeah, I, uh, it was actually pretty impressive. I had to borrow extension cords from a lot of people to do that."

Dr. Grumpy: "They said people were tripping over it."

College kid: "Well, I mean, that explains why it's against the rules, I guess. It's a good idea, actually, if you think about it."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's a big "if." Why weren't you thinking about it? And what the hell were you doing that you had to have an extension cord going that far, anyway?"

College kid: "You know, uh, Dave, that guy down the hall from me? The one with the weird BO? Anyway, we were arguing about how far the dorm's WiFi range goes, so decided to take my laptop into the parking lot to find out."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's a laptop. Why did you need an extension cord?"

College kid: "Well, that girl, Kelly, in my graphic design group, needed a battery for her laptop, and the one she ordered online isn't in yet, so I loaned her mine. So to get my laptop to work to test the WiFi I had to have it plugged in, and to get it far enough out there needed a REALLY long extension cord. So I had to borrow a lot of them from other people in the building."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why didn't you just connect your phone to the dorm's WiFi and walk outside to test it that way instead?"

Long pause.

College kid: "That's a, uh, really good question. Look, Dad, I have to go, because I've got a bunch of extension cords I have to return to people."

Avast ye, mateys!

It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day!

To celebrate, here's the pirate-themed heavy metal band (you probably didn't know this musical genre existed, did you?) Alestorm, singing about stealing rum and beer.

And the guy elevates rolling the letter "R" to an art form.

Seen in a chart

"Make up your mind, will you?"

Chief complaint

My colleague, Dr. L., says she's studying for her neurology boards, and was taking a practice test last weekend.

This question was on it, and she says she's never had a patient report answer E to her.

I'd have to agree. At least not without a Ouija board.

Thank you, Dr. L!

Thanks, Sherlock

A drug rep marketing an epilepsy medication brought lunch in for Pissy and I, so we were having the usual 30 minutes of catered sandwiches and pamphlets full of glossy pictures, graphs, and small print.

As we talked, she mentioned that, as part of her new-hire training, she was sent to volunteer at Camp Shaking Pines this past summer. This is a summer camp held for children with epilepsy who, for medical reasons, can't go to other camps. The purpose of her 3 days there was to "raise my awareness" of epilepsy.

Then she said "Doctor, do you know that some of those kids, the ones with seizures, will actually have seizures, right there, at seizure camp?"

I heard a thud behind me as Pissy's hand hit his face.

Breaking news!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape your world.

DATELINE: LONDON

British police have apologized after what they previously described as a "huge drugs bust" turned out to be vegan cake mix.

Staff of Purezza, a vegan restaurant, were transporting a large amount of vegan cake mix in a suitcase when it was confiscated at Gatwick airport by transportation police.

After identifying the powder as cake mix, the bags were returned to the restaurant. The staff has offered the police free cake, though at press time the police haven't accepted.



DATELINE: NEW JERSEY

An 80 year-old woman had her vehicle stolen. While she was asleep in it.

Police say the lady had dozed off after parking her car, and when she woke found herself lying in the driveway. She had no recollection of being taken out of the car.

The car has since been recovered.



DATELINE: NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

No one was injured when a bear landed on a police car.

In an unusual chain of events, a Humboldt county sheriff's deputy was driving on Route 96 when a bear fell off a steep embankment and landed on his patrol car. The hood and windshield were smashed.

The surprised officer lost control of his bearmobile, which slammed into the embankment, rolled onto its side, and burst into flames.

This resulted in a small forest fire, that burned about half an acre.

The officer was unharmed.

The bear fled the scene, and was not available for comment.

Uh...

Today's post is dedicated to the marketing genius at Boehringer-Ingelheim pharmaceuticals who came up with this name for their veterinary portal:

Good luck on your job search.

Thank you, Webhill!

Free samples

Mr. Dixie: "Hey, doc, do you need to check levels on my seizure medication today?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I don't."

Mr. Dixie: "You sure? Like, need a urine sample?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, and it would be blood, anyway."

Mr. Dixie: "Oh... Well, I thought you might, so I left a cup full of piss out in your lobby bathroom, just in case. It has my name on it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, we don't have sample cups out in the lobby bathroom?"

Mr. Dixie: "I know. I took it off your water cooler."

Big Donor

Dr. Grumpy: "How you doing today?"

Mr. Big Donor: "I'm tired. You wouldn't believe what happened to my daughter's husband last night."

Dr. Grumpy: "He okay?"

Mr. Big Donor: "My son-in-law, Todd, was hanging up some pictures last night and accidentally hammered his thumb. It was really killing him. Maybe he broke it. He ended up having to go to ER."

Dr. Grumpy: "Ouch. That must have hurt."

Mr. Big Donor. "So he finally went there around midnight, and they left him sitting in the lobby. He said they kept bringing all these people from ambulances in ahead of him, and this one lady who had something stupid, like chest pain, got taken right back."

Dr. Grumpy: "  "

Mr. Big Donor: "So he finally called me when he remembered I'm on the hospital foundation's board. I was so angry. I called Dr. Brown... you know him? He's CEO over there? I have his home number and woke him up and told him about this bullshit they were doing to Todd. He took care of it, and they got Todd back in the next 5 minutes. But it's such crap that I even had to do that. I mean, I'm not a doctor, but even I know how a health care system should work. But the dimwits in ER have no clue."

Seen in a chart

I have no idea what this means, or why it's listed as a therapy.

Memories...

About 10-15 years ago, there was an internist who took night call doing hospital admissions. He worked from 5pm - 7am, and I was usually there from 5am to 6pm, so we encountered each other a fair amount toward beginning and end of day.

He was an eccentric dude (though a good doc), the type who tends to be best working night shift. He always had a large briefcase with him. Everywhere. It never left his side. No one but him knew what was in it, was never seen open. He took it in patient rooms, the bathroom, the doctors lounge... everywhere.

Late one afternoon I got called to see a guy admitted for a minor stroke. He was a retired baseball Hall-of-Famer. So I went in, and was talking to he and his wife, doing my usual neurology stuff.

I’d just finished answering their questions when Weird Doc and his huge briefcase wandered in to do the admission. He came in, set the briefcase down. I handed him the chart, since I was done with it and headed for my next consult. He glanced at it, then said “OH MY GOD! YOU’RE MIKE HOMERUNSLAMMER! CAN I PLEASE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?”

He opened the briefcase. I may have been the only person on Earth (besides him) to have seen its contents. It was crammed full - and I mean REALLY full - of baseball cards. I'd never seen so many. All neatly arranged by teams and years.

He rummaged through it and pulled out the guy’s card from some year. And a pen. And a clipboard. and handed them to the patient. Somewhat stunned (I was kind of in shock myself) he signed it, handed it back, and the briefcase was closed.

Then he pulled his stethoscope out of his pocket and started business. "Thank you! So, what brings you to the hospital today?"

"I'll take that as a yes."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you have a headache when these other symptoms occurred?"

Ms. Patient: "Well, I believe I may have, if that was my awareness of how I felt was to have had a headache at the time than it could have been that I was possibly aware of having a headache."