Ee-i-ee-i-o

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. McDonald: "Hi, I'm on my way there for my appointment, but I'm running late."

Mary: "Okay, well, the one after you just cancelled, so come on in and he'll see you when you get here."

Mrs. McDonald: "What a mess. The neighbor's asshole rooster came into my yard, and my dog got it. Feathers every-fucking-where."

Mary: "We'll see you soon."

Mrs. McDonald: "The bird had it coming, too. I mean, every day he struts around on top of MY fence like he fucking owns the place, and taunts Bitsy. If he was stupid enough to come down to the ground, he deserves whatever she did to him."

Mary: "..."

Mrs. McDonald: "My goats saw the whole thing. They were probably cheering for Bitsy the whole time. And then, when I finally got the damn bird away from Bitsy, and it was still alive, I handed it over the fence to the bitch owner. And you know what she said? She said that if he dies, I owe her a new rooster. The hell I do."

Mary: "I..."

Mrs. McDonald: "I told her she could get her ass over and clean up the feathers that are all over my yard. If it's her bird, then they're her feathers, aren't they? So she better have them all picked up and gone when I get home."

Mary: "Okay..."

Mrs. McDonald: "Anyway, I can show you the pictures of the feathers and the bird when I get there to prove I'm telling the truth. I took a lot of them for evidence, because, you know, this is probably going to end up in front of Judge Wapner or something. I'll be at your place in a few."

click

Overhead hospital page

"Will the owner of a red fire truck parked in front of ER please move your vehicle?"

Thank you, Marsha!

Memories...

In 1995, in the usual tradition, my nephew was circumcised.

The ceremony was at my parent's house. Mom placed the foreskin in a Ziploc bag and put it in her freezer. Her plan was to give it to my sister on the kid's first birthday...  I'm still not sure why.

When my nephew was a year old, Mom went looking through the freezer. She couldn't find the bag. Multiple attempts at moving things around, looking through piles of frost, etc. were unsuccessful. The foreskin had vanished into some sort of interdimensional void.

This became a running family joke. Was it accidentally slipped into a quart of ice cream? Mixed in with the Thanksgiving stuffing? Served with a brisket? Inquiring minds wanted to know.

My mother never gave up. It was wrapped in gauze, in a Ziploc bag with the kid's name on it. No one else in the family said they'd removed it. Repeated searches were unsuccessful.

Last year, after my nephew moved away for college, Mom decided to get rid of the old freezer. She defrosted it, carefully removed and inspected everything in it, and checked every single corner and shelf.

Nothing.

We have no idea. And likely never will.

Beware of the Dragon

Sent in by a reader, seen in a cervical spine MRI report.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess what was said in the first line was "the lesions are as follows."

If the report is accurate, then it's the worst case of wandering uterus ever.

Thank you, Diane!

Gigantopithecus

Dr. Grumpy: "You're lucky to be alive. Looks like you had a pretty serious head injury."

Mr. Patterson: "That's what they told me. They had to open my head up 3 times in the first 2 days to get the brain bleeding to stop."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah... I'm looking at the CT scans here... How did this happen?"

Mr. Patterson: "I was on vacation, and my wake-up call was for 3:30 a.m. I don't normally get up that early, and when the phone rang it really startled me. I jumped up in bed, and knocked this heavy painting off the wall and it cracked me on the head. Then, when I was trying to get the phone to stop ringing, I fell out of bed and hit my head really hard on the night stand. When I tried to get off the floor I knocked that over, and this metal lamp landed on my head."

Dr. Grumpy: "Wow. Why were you getting up so early on vacation, anyway?"

Mr. Patterson: "I had to meet my group at 4:15. I'd signed up for a tour to search for Bigfoot."

Holiday road

Taking a week off to visit relatives. Will be back next week, sometime.

Nuts!

Seen at Wal-Mart:

"Boy, that was a clumsy Mohel."

Thank you, Dave!

Sorry for the lack of inspired writing recently, kids are on Summer Vacation and I'm swamped with them.

Shampoo

Mr. Rerun: "I had another migraine yesterday."

Dr.  Grumpy: "Did the medication help?"

Mr. Rerun: "I didn't take it. I don't think I need anything."



6 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "What brings you in today?"

Mr. Rerun: "I woke up last with a migraine. It was awful."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, next time it occurs, why don't you try taking..."

Mr. Rerun: "No, I don't want to take anything right now."



8 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up? You asked Mary to work you in today?"

Mr. Rerun: "Yeah, thanks for seeing me. I was in ER yesterday for a terrible migraine."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry. Let's have you try..."

Mr. Rerun: "I don't want any medication, I just thought you should know about it."



3 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Rerun: "Hi, sorry to wake you up, but I'm having a bad migraine. I thought I should tell you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you want me to call anything in?"

Mr. Rerun: "No, I just wanted to give you an update."



5 weeks later

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things going?"

Mr. Rerun: "I had a migraine over the weekend. I spent the whole time in bed."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you let me prescribe something?"

Mr. Rerun: "No, I don't want any medication, but since you're my doctor I thought you should know what's going on."

Seen in a chart

Whatever that is...  I don't want it.

 

Reading material

Mrs. Complain, I'm sorry You don't like our lobby magazine selection. Maybe you should hang out at this doc's office instead:

Thank you, K!

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Angry: "Hi, I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, let me get my schedule up... What insurance do you have?"

Mr. Angry: "Health Security, Inc."

Mary: "Hmmm, hang on. I've never heard of that one, let me get my list out."

Mr. Angry: "YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF HEALTH SECURITY? IT'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST INSURANCE COMPANIES OUT THERE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR OFFICE?!!!"

Mary: "I'm sorry, it's just not one I've gotten a lot of calls on. Let me just look through my list of companies we're contracted with and..."

Mr. Angry: "The hell with you people. I could drop dead while you're looking at your list."

(click)

Overheard at the store

"Did you see her? She looks at least 3-4 weeks pregnant."

Meow

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, these headaches you've recently had sound like migraines. I'm not convinced they're from a sports concussion 15 years ago."

Mr. Macho: "Of course they're related. It's post-concussion syndrome! You see it on the news everyday. I didn't have headaches before my concussion."

Dr. Grumpy: "But your concussion was 15 years ago, and your migraines started in the last 6 months."

Mr. Macho: "Stop saying they're migraines! I don't have migraines! Migraines are for women!"

Dr. Grumpy: "That's not true, sir. Guys get migraines, too. I have migraines."

Mr. Macho: "Then you're a pussy!"

(walks out of my office)

Helpful

I get out of my car and walk down the driveway to the mailbox. As I'm glancing through the usual pile of bills & junk there, I hear the door open behind me and Frank comes out talking. It's his usual random word salad about video games until he sees me at the box.


Frank: "Those 2 video games I ordered from Amazon came in today's mail. I've been inside playing them."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's good... They were in today's mail?"

Frank: "Yeah, I checked when I get home. I've been waiting for them."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why didn't you bring in the rest of the mail when you did that?"

Frank: "It wasn't addressed to me."