Seen in a medical journal

This is an advertisement for:

A. The new James Bond flick? Did they fire Daniel Craig?

B. That hot new cologne, eu d'Charcot.

C. Boy, those leather scrubs are really sexy. Wish my neurologist looked like that.

D. The DocMatic electric shaver for when (like this guy) you spent the night on the doctors lounge couch.

E. The sequel to "Hysteria" showing Dr. Granville perfecting his invention.

F. An ultrasound machine? Really? Are you kidding me? An effing ultrasound machine?

The tube

Mr. Barone: "My symptoms all get worse around 8:30.”

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't we talk about this at your last visit? I suggested taking your pills at 8:00, to see if that helped. Did you try it?"

Mr. Barone: "It doesn't work. I can't take them at 8:00.”

Dr. Grumpy: "Why not?"

Mr. Barone: "I'll miss the beginning of "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Weekend on call

On Saturday night I was at the nurses station, writing a note. A demented elderly man kept calling for his daughter, (who'd gone home for the night).


Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse: "Morris, Dana went home. She'll be back in the morning."

Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse: "Morris, Dana's not here. You're okay, and she'll be here again tomorrow."

Patient: "Dana! Dana! Dana!"

Nurse (in deep voice): "There is no Dana, only Zuul."

Overheard at the nurses station

"I'm so pissed. I paid $80 for this eyelash treatment, and it looks like I'm being attacked by tarantulas."

Dear Webmaster,

Thank you for your recent letter asking that I send $75 to remain in your online doctor directory. I'd put its name up here, but I'm not even going to give you the traffic.

Regrettably, I won't be sending you the $75, and really don't give care if you remove my name.

I'm sure this hurts your feelings, so I'd like to explain why I'm not sending you any money.

1. I never signed up for your directory in the first place. In fact, your letter asking me to renew was the first I'd heard of you.

2. Most companies take credit cards for payment. The fact that you only accept 2 methods of payment is a little alarming. One was for me to do a direct bank-to-bank transfer, and your letter included your bank name, account number, and routing information. This is not a typical way to pay for a medical listing.

3. The other way you accept payment is for me to send a cashier's check to an address in Bucharest, Romania. Nice try.

4. Your math was somewhat concerning, as the letter says that for $75 I get "1 year + 3 FREE months! That's 18 months for only $75." Granted, maybe you use a different calendar than I do.

5. You spelled "doctor" as "docter."

6. You didn't spell my name correctly. Or my street name for that matter. Or even my fucking city. This does not give me a lot of confidence in your ability to provide an accurate listing for my $75.

7. Lastly, as if the above weren't big enough concerns, I was still curious to look at the website listed on your letter. I was suitably impressed to see that it:

- Had nothing on it mentioning a doctor locating service.

- The first link featured said "MEET BEAUTIFUL RUSSIAN GIRLS!"

- The second link was for an online Viagra pharmacy (maybe useful if you click on the first link).

- The third link said "This domain name is for sale! Click here to buy it."

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Mary's Desk, Tuesday afternoon

Mary: "So we can see you this Thursday at 4:00. What's your insurance?"

Mr. Ximénez: "Major Illness, Incorporated."

Mary: "Are you on their PPO or HMO plan?"

Mr. Ximénez: "PPO."

Mary: "And what's your birthday?"

Mr. Ximénez: "My, this is a lot of questions. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"


Sadly, she didn't get it, and asked me about it later.

"NOBODY..."

Queen Square

Dr. Grumpy: "Now I'm going to check your reflexes. Let me tap you with this rubber hammer..."

Miss Temmi: "My boyfriend has one of those hammers, and also taps on my knee reflexes with it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, is he a doctor?"

Miss Temmi: "No, he says it turns him on."

Wake up call

Due to the death of our 15-year-old television, Mrs. Grumpy and I bought a new TV for our bedroom a few months ago.

So, early Sunday morning, around 1:00 a.m., we were both sound asleep when the TV woke us up. It was making a loud obnoxious beeping sound. Then the screen suddenly flipped on, all white, with gazillion megawatt intensity. Snowball's shadow was burned into the wall where he was sleeping.

Then, in huge letters, the screen said "CABLE CONNECTION HAS BEEN LOST."

Like I give a fuck when I'm sleeping.

After the adrenaline rush calmed down I got up, turned the TV off, and went back to bed.

20 minutes later I'd just started dozing again when the beeping and prison floodlight effects started again, but this time the screen said "CABLE CONNECTION HAS BEEN RESTORED."

So tonight I'm going to figure out how to turn this thoroughly worthless message off.

Attention TV manufacturers:

This is NOT a feature I want. If I'm watching TV, and the cable goes out, I will notice it and do not need you to tell me. Conversely, if I'm not watching TV, and the cable goes out, I DON'T CARE. Waking me up to let me know is only going to piss me off.

Thank you,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Today's tips

1. If you drive, don't drive drunk.

2. If you get caught for driving drunk, don't drive drunk again.

3. If you get caught for driving drunk a second time, don't drive drunk again.

4. If the police notice you're driving erratically because you're drunk (again), pull over.

5. Do not run away from your vehicle in the forest.

6. If you run away from your vehicle, do not leave your wallet in it.

7. Do not run through deep snow. You leave footprints.

8. If it is cold out, do not toss your jacket aside. If the footprints keep going, they will follow them, not your jacket.

9. Do not climb a frozen tree, especially to a height of 30 feet. You're not fooling anyone.

10. If cornered by police while up in the tree, do not ask them if they caught "the guy who was driving" in slurred speech.

11. If the police point out that there was only one set of tracks, do not insist that "the other guy" (presumably the one who was driving) carried you on his back.

12. Insisting that you're an innocent owl, instead of a drunk guy in a tree, isn't going to fool them.

13. Shaking the branches to make snow fall on officers, and then yelling "Look! It's snowing!" isn't going to make them go away. They will just get a chainsaw.

14. Claiming that you were "just out for a run" isn't compatible with previously claiming to have been an owl. They fly.


And if you don't think one drunk guy could do all of the above, think again.

Alternative medicine

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't you used to take blood pressure medication?"

Mr. Mercury: "I did, but I was able to control it with lifestyle changes."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you lose weight?"

Mr. Mercury: "Nope. Got a divorce."

Liar, liar, pants on fire

I'm with a patient, and Mary calls me out of the room.

Mary: "There's a lady on the phone, and she wants to be worked in today. I told her we don't have anything."

Dr. Grumpy: "So put her in for Friday. Don't we have an opening then?"

Mary: "Yes, but she's insisting on today. She says she's a close friend of your mother, and your mom told her that you'd get her in. That's why I'm checking with you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmmph. That's not something my mom would do..."

I walked over and grabbed Mary's phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy. What's my mother's first name?"

Mrs. Reede: "Carol."

Dr. Grumpy: "Wrong."

Mrs. Reede: "Um, Susan?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Nope, thank you for playing."

I hung up.

Mary: "That was awesome."

"CALL THE COPS! HE MIGHT CATCH A COLD!"

 

Thank you, Webhill!

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, can I help you?"

Mr. Prevost: "Yes, Dr. Intern referred me to see Dr. Grumpy, and I need to make an appointment."

Mary: "Okay, we have an opening this Thursday, at 1:30. Would that work for you?"

Mr. Prevost: "Sounds good. What bus number takes me there?"

Mary: "Uh, I'm not sure?"

Mr. Prevost: "Okay, it has to be either Red Line 42 or Blue Line 17."

Mary: "I really don't know, sir."

Mr. Prevost: "Screw this. I'll find a place with a helpful staff."

(hangs up)

Hmmm...

While flipping through a patient's hospital chart yesterday, I discovered this: