Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Doesn't your dog deserve something nice this year, like clean and shiny fur?

I can't vouch for the quality of this brand, but I must say they have an, um, interesting name for their line of pet-hair-care products. The kind that will make snooping dinner guests call the ASPCA when they see it in your medicine cabinet.

"Oooh... They even have one called 'Dirty Talk' and another named 'Quickie.' "

Commodity trading

Here in the U.S., and pretty much ALL of the civilized world, money is still the standard method of financial transactions. Barter is generally not accepted. Especially when it involves a large, potentially dangerous, carnivore instead of currency.

Apparently, though, Mr. Fernando Aguilera of Florida hadn't heard of this. Thirsty, wanting a beer, and having no money, he decided to catch a live ALLIGATOR (a 4 foot long juvenile), carry it into a liquor store, and offer to trade it for a 12-pack. Being a gentleman, Mr. Aguilar was willing to take any brand they'd give him.

The owner of the store not only declined Mr. Aguilar's gracious offer, but called police (the alligator was underage).

Police have charged Mr. Aguilar with possessing an alligator (and, subsequently, assaulting a TV reporter). The alligator has been returned to the wild. And, inevitably, a local official said “I have never experienced anything like this in 25 years in law enforcement.”

And in Florida, that means something.

Thank you, Don!

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Guys are terrible at thinking of gifts. I know I am. You just never know what to get your special someone, something that says it all.

But now there's an easy answer: coated globs of moose shit!

 

These lovely accessories are available in earrings, necklaces, cufflinks, and a wide variety of forms. No moose were harmed in the manufacturing process, though I suspect some intestinal bacteria didn't fare as well.

Holiday memories

Back where I trained, he ran one of the country's top neurosurgery residencies. Before his retirement he was widely considered one of the best brain surgeons in the world, and people came from all over the planet to see him.

His position, and skill, brought him enormous financial rewards. Because of the size of his house he threw a large Christmas party every year to which all the neurology and neurosurgery people were invited, including peons like me and the other neurology residents.

He was also socially inept, and entertainment was never his thing. Obligated to host the party, he firmly planted himself by the door, greeting all who came with "Glad you could make it. Food is to your left, bar on the right." This was his mantra, repeated endlessly all evening until it was replaced with repetitions of "Thank you for coming. The valet is to your right."

For one night every year he was the highest paid doorman on Earth.

I went to his parties for 4 consecutive years. In that time I never once saw him leave the door (maybe he had a foley) and never heard him say anything there outside of those 2 phrases.

We all learn a lot from residency. Among other things, I learned I didn't want to be a doorman.

The fun ships

In a court filing concerning the Carnival Triumph's "cruise-o-sewage" last February, the cruise line's lawyers stated that a cruise ticket "makes absolutely no guarantee for safe passage, a seaworthy vessel, adequate and wholesome food, and sanitary and safe living conditions."

Thanks for clearing that up Carnival. I'll keep it in mind when planning next summer's vacation.

Source.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Ladies, how often have you wanted to pee standing up? Well, now you can!

Yes, with the GoGirl funnel you can whiz without having to touch that disgusting thing on the toilet seat. It's ideal for camping, road trips, and bypassing that long line at the ladies room. Simply walk up to a mens room urinal (there's always one open) and strut your stuff!

The Go-Girl is available in lavender and camouflage colors. And has the awesome tagline "Don't take life sitting down."

Dude, remember to turn off your microphone

On call, Sunday morning, 2:18 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Dr. ER: "Hi, Ibee. It's Susan, over in emergency. I need your help."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Dr. ER: "I have a 20-something guy here, who a few hours ago abruptly became paralyzed from the waist down, with severe lumbar pain. He can't move his legs at all. I sent him for a STAT MRI, which was normal, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Does he have reflexes?"

Dr. ER: "Yeah, and sensation is good, too. But he can't move either..."

(yelling, screaming, swearing in background)

(pause)

Dr. ER: "Ibee, are you still there?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah. What was all that noise?"

Dr. ER: "Never mind... When we refused to give him more Dilaudid he just got up and walked out. He's gone."

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

You're a medical student on a gastroenterology rotation, watching a colonoscopy. As the camera snakes up some guy's nether regions, the attending suddenly points to the monitor, turns to you, and says "does that look normal?"

Of course, you have no fucking clue (neither did I, but there are reasons I'm a neurologist). So what do you do? Well, now you can just quickly check your iPhone!

These attractive iPhone cases come in a wide variety of pathology (normal is above) including inflammation, diverticulitis, malignant, pre-malignant, Crohn's disease, and many more! With this helpful guide, your biggest issue will be finding a way to change phone cases quickly without the attending noticing.

NOTE: Dr. Grumpy is not responsible for you failing the rotation, not clinching the GI fellowship you wanted, or getting GoLytely and shit on your iPhone.

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Love cupcakes? Who doesn't? (okay, I'm not fond of them, but am in the minority).

What could make a cupcake even more appetizing than it already is? More frosting? Sprinkles? Realistic sores from sexually-transmitted diseases?

Mmmmm... chancres.

These delectable "clapcakes" are available in Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Herpes, and, um, a handful of other reasons to use condoms.

Bon Appetit!

Mary's desk, December, 2013

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Dr. Manding: "Hi, this is Dr. Dee Manding, and I need Dr. Grumpy to order a STAT brain MRI on me."

Mary: "Hang on... I'm not seeing you in our system. Are you a patient?"

Dr. Manding: "No, I'm a doctor. I just moved here. And I need an urgent MRI. They won't let me order it myself, so I need your doctor to do it."

Mary: "Okay, I can run this by him, but if you're not an established patient we can't order tests on you."

Dr. Manding: "I can't believe this. I'm a doctor!"

Mary: "What do you need the MRI for? I can check with him and..."

Dr. Manding: "How DARE you ask me that! I'm a doctor! If I say I need an urgent MRI, that should be good enough for you!"

Mary: "Let me go ask Dr. Grumpy."

(goes and finds me, I agree with her. I've never heard of this person)

Mary: "Okay, Dr. Manding. I spoke to Dr. Grumpy, and he says that unless you're a patient he can't order tests on you. You're welcome to come in for an appointment, though. We can see you tomorrow morning at 9:30, or..."

Dr. Manding: "I wouldn't come see Dr. Grumpy at all with this level of service. I'm a doctor, and deserve better."

Click

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

Going to Nazi-themed dinner parties can be so awkward. The silverware is always a problem, as I never remember if I can mix Abwehr forks with Wehrmacht spoons, or if I'm supposed to butter pumpernickel with my Kriegsmarine or Luftwaffe knife.

I'm sure all of us encounter this problem regularly, and my fears of causing a serious breach of etiquette used to keep me from going.

But no more!

With this useful guide YOU VILL know which Gestapo fork is for eating strudel, what type of spoon to use for stirring kaffee, and the proper knife for cutting schnitzel.

Or else.

Come on, baby, light my fire

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. McGee: "Hi, my wife saw Dr. Grumpy about a month ago, and he started her on a new medication."

Annie: "Okay, let me look at the chart... Looks like it was Lotsix."

Mr. McGee: "Yeah, that's it. Anyway, she's been much more confused since starting this, and I'd like to stop it if we can."

Annie: "What's she been doing?"

Mr. McGee: "Well, she's obsessively setting things on fire, and..."

Annie: "Uh, did you just say she's setting things on fire?"

Mr. McGee: "Yes, all the time. Clothes, walls, furniture, at least 2 or 3 times a day I catch her trying to light something. I've gotten rid of all the lighters and matches around, but she always seems to find more. She's never done this before, and the fire department is getting tired of coming to our house. This morning they suggested I call you guys to discuss this."

Annie: "I'd definitely stop it. Immediately. This has been going on for a month with her lighting things? Why didn't you call sooner?"

Mr. McGee: "I figured she'd get used to it."

Dr. Grumpy's gift guide

You've perfected your sexy pole-dancing moves, but none of your local strip bars are currently hiring. What's a girl to do? You have to earn a living.

Now, for only $499, you can take your show on the road with the trailer-hitch dancing pole! No smoky bar needed! Pull up to a skanky street corner and start the show!

The stage supports up to 200 lbs. Dollar bill storage box and stereo & light systems not included.