Gee, thanks

Dr. Grumpy: "What brings you in today, sir?"

Mr. Honest: "Dr. Asshat referred me. He said all the good neurologists couldn't get me in, and so I should see you instead."

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Bekins: "Hi, I need to make an appointment with the doctor."

Mary: "Okay, what's your insurance?"

Mrs. Bekins: "Um... Gee, I really don't know. I'm in the process of relocating to Grumpyville, and don't have a job yet."

Mary: "All right... Would you like to call back when you know more?"

Mrs. Bekins: "No, I still want to set something up."

Mary: "Okay, when are you moving here?"

Mrs. Bekins: "I don't know yet. Could be anywhere from 3 months to a year."

Pause.

Mary: "I think it would be better if you call back when you know when you'll be here."

Mrs. Bekins: "You're probably right. What part of town are you in?"

Mary: "Do you know the areas of Grumpyville?"

Mrs. Bekins: "No. Can you send me a map? And recommend a realtor?"

Market share

In medicine there's a mysterious villain called "Big Pharma." This is a secret conglomeration of drug companies working to deprive you of both money and health as part of the New World Order. Depending on how far you buy into this bullshit, doctors are a part of this Medical-Pharma complex, along with (depending on your Haldol dose) any religion you hate, the United Nations, space aliens, homosexuals, and the Dead Milkmen.

Now, obviously, I don't believe this. The one grain of truth in the "Big Pharma" idea is that obviously companies that manufacture something want to sell it. This applies to medicines, car manufacturers, potato peelers, whatever.

Drug companies are required to do research to prove safety and efficacy of their stuff. But they also do smaller studies to try and prove they're at least better than a competitor. These studies, I must admit, tend to favor whoever sponsored them- but keep in mind they're trying to knock down competitors- NOT work with them.

A drug company sponsors a study that showed their drug worked. THE NERVE! Because, after all, no other industry would dare act like this...

So let's look at this article.

Basically (for those of you too lazy to click the link), it's a study that found "stone fruits" (those with large, singular, pits, like peaches) help with obesity and diabetes.

Some out there will claim this shows that Big Pharma is keeping "natural" secrets from them (because you'll otherwise NEVER hear that fruits & vegetables are better for you than a Big Mac). But let's read the disclaimer at the bottom of the article:

"The studies on the health benefits of stone fruit are funded by the California Tree Fruit Agreement, The California Plum Board, the California Grape and Tree Fruit League and the Texas Department of Agriculture."

Here's the bottom line: Everyone will pay for research to sell you their product. Whether it's Big Pharma or Big Farm.


Thank you, SMOD!

That's Amoré!

Mr. Fatherly: "It was really stressful 3 months ago, because my son and his fiancée moved in with me."

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things now?"

Mr. Fatherly: "Better, my son finally moved out last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "What about his fiancée?"

Mr. Fatherly: "I married her. That's why he moved out."

Wanted: Students with partial amputations

Somehow I think this could have been worded better:

Thank you, Maridyth!

OH, FOR HELL'S SAKE!!!

 

Thank you, WH!

Notes

Mrs. Flight: "I need a note, saying I'm too sick to travel to New York."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... but you're not sick at all."

Mrs. Flight: "I know, but I'm trying to get out of this trip, and a note would help."

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't falsify a note for an airline."

Mrs. Flight: "No. It's for my sister. I don't want to go see her because she's a bitch."

Airborn drug transference

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm going to start you on Coumadin."

Mr. Wisconsin: "But I'm already on it!"

Dr. Grumpy: "You are? I didn't see that in your chart..."

Mr. Wisconsin: "Well, I mean, I'm not on it myself, but my wife takes it. So wouldn't that cover me, too? Just from being near her a lot?"

WTF?

I've shown you guys some seriously strange drug company ads over the years.

After 15 years of reading journals I thought I'd seen every weird eye-catching trick an advertising agent can think up.

But, even I was taken aback by the sheer WTFness of a veterinary drug ad my esteemed colleague Webhill sent me yesterday:

 

 Thank you, Webhill!

Decimal fetish

Dr. Grumpy: "Any changes in your weight?"

Mr. Precise: "Yes." whips out iPhone "As of this morning, since January 1, 2012, I've gained 1.5873 pounds."

Saturday night, 11:38 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Miss Hedayk: "Yeah, I see you for migraines, that I, uh, only get during sex..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes?"

Miss Hedayk: "Well, I'm over at the Meat Hook bar, and met this really hot guy, and I'm um, out of my migraine pills, and, uh, could you call some into the pharmacy, so I can pick them up on the way to his place?"

Happy Father's Day, Dad!

Language

Dr. Grumpy: "It looks like you have high blood pressure?"

Mr. Semantics: "I wouldn't characterize it as such."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but you're on 3 blood pressure medications."

Mr. Semantics: "My internist and I have a difference of opinion of both vital signs and common vernacular."

June 15, 1944

Officer Cynical asked to do a guest post today, in memory of those who gave all in one of the most vicious battles of World War II. Take it away, Officer!

On June 6, 1944 the largest amphibious invasion in history took place in Normandy. Lost in its shadow are equally important events that happened at the same time on the other side of the world.

Today, June 15, 2012, marks the 68^th anniversary of the U.S. Marine assault on Saipan.

On June 5, 1944, the same day the allied invasion ships set off across the English Channel for Normandy, another amphibious force left Pearl Harbor to carry out a mission of equal importance in the Pacific. It's almost-forgotten today, but the effects were tremendous. As one Japanese admiral commented, ""Our war was lost with the loss of Saipan."

Saipan was an important objective, both to cut off Japanese supply lines and to provide an airbase from which bombers could reach the Japanese home islands.

At 8:00 a.m., 8,000 Marines came ashore against 31,000 Japanese defenders. Many Marines later stated it was the most savagely opposed amphibious landing of the Pacific war.

Japanese artillery (pre-aimed at the invasion beach), along with machine-gun and sniper fire, made the landing murderous. You can see in the photos below the desperation of the men who have just hit the beach.

Men & machinery coming ashore.

Crawling to duck snipers

The Marines at the center and far left have just been hit by enemy fire.

Many enemy artillary positions were neutralized by gunfire from American warships, which was guided by Navajo code-talkers who'd gone ashore with the troops.

The morning after the landing, the Marines awoke to find every support vessel except a hospital ship had left. The Japanese Imperial Navy had counterattacked the U.S. Task Force near Saipan in an attempt to reinforce and resupply the defenders. The result was the naval/air Battle of the Philippine Sea, and the decisive allied air victory called The Great Marianas Turkey Shoot.

Ultimately, the combined American forces of Marine and Army units numbered about 70,000 men. After three weeks, the Japanese staged a last-ditch banzai charge of about 4,000 soldiers, including their wounded and conscripted civilians. Some had no firearms, but carried sticks with knives tied to the ends and other crude weapons.

Shaking out a shoe, sitting on an unexploded shell from a battleship.

 In the end, 13,790 American (19%) were killed or wounded. 29,000 Japanese (94%) were killed; only 920 prisoners were taken. Some 20,000 of the 25,000 civilians living on Saipan also died, almost all by suicide, either by jumping from cliffs (after throwing their children off) or by blowing themselves up with grenades. They had been convinced by the Japanese military that suicide was preferable to capture by the Americans. 

The nightmare of Saipan shows on the face of this Marine:

The "thousand-yard-stare"