Bones

The orthopedic surgeon who occasionally rents office space from Pissy & I has this ortho tech named Larry.

Larry looks like a character from Dr. Seuss. His eyes point in completely different directions, his hair is a LONG ponytail that goes past his rear end, he keeps the ponytail tied up at different levels with multi-colored scrunchies, he has this massive unkempt beard, and he always wears these 1970's era tie-dye scrubs.

So yesterday I'm sitting in my office with a patient when Larry suddenly shows up in the doorway (his shirt triggering a migraine in my patient)

Larry: "Hey, sorry to bother you, Dr. Grumpy, but can I borrow your cast saw?"

Dr. Grumpy: "My what?"

Larry: "You know, cast saw. What you use to cut off casts. Mine just broke."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm a neurologist. I don't have a cast saw."

Larry: "REALLY? I thought every doctor did. Do you think I can borrow Dr. Pissy's?"

Dr. Grumpy: "He doesn't have one either."

Pause

Larry: "Well, what am I supposed to tell Dr. Ortho?"

Sigh

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Dr. Launchpad: "Yeah, I'm the hospitalist working today, and I consulted you on Mrs. Sick."

Dr. Grumpy: "I saw her this morning. I think I ordered an MRI and some labs."

Dr. Launchpad: "You did! But that wasn't what you were supposed to do!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What was I supposed to do?"

Dr. Launchpad: "I wanted you to just write 'okay for discharge' so I could send her home!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Your note said 'consult neurology for confusion.' It didn't say anything about sending her home."

Dr. Launchpad: "I just wanted you to evaluate her, not order tests! I want to get her out of here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but ordering tests is a pretty common part of an evaluation."

Dr. Launchpad: "What does that have to do with it? I'm trying to send her home, and you've screwed it all up!"

Radiology 101

The aside: a good reason to turn off the microphone when dictating.

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Thank you, Gary (who claims his partner did this- yeah, sure)!

But wait! There's more!

The dreaded A-word has now come to the medical field.





Yes, we now have artisanal control cardiac catheters, for all your heartfelt needs.


Within a few minutes of the catheter showing up in my mailbox, a friend of mine who's currently in Portugal sent me this picture, to show that the problem continues to spread across the planet.

Monday night, 11:58 p.m.

Tap, tap, tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmmmph... What time is it? What's up, Craig?"

Craig: "I can't sleep."

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you okay?"

Craig: "Something is bothering me."

Dr. Grumpy: "What?"

Craig: "Did people at Target have to work on St. Patrick's Day?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I guess so. They were open. This is why you can't sleep?"

Craig: "I don't think it's fair. They only wear red shirts at work, so won't people pinch them? For not wearing green?"

Long pause

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sure for St. Patrick's day they're allowed to wear green pins or something."

Craig: "Oh. I guess that's okay. Thanks! Good night, Dad."

Specialists

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Leigh, good to see you again. What brings you back in?"

Mrs. Skin: "Well, my internist told me I needed to see a dermatologist about this thing on my shoulder."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... I'm not a dermatologist. I'm your neurologist."

Mrs. Skin: "I know, but I wasn't able to get in to one this week, and you had an opening. So I figured I'd ask you about it instead."

Weekend reruns

This afternoon I saw a great little old lady, sharp as a tack, who got dragged in by her overprotective daughter, and was NOT happy about it.

The daughter was one of those huffy types who tried to answer every question for her mom, even though the old lady was clearly fine, independent, and a helluva lot brighter then her offspring.

Mom tried to talk around her, but the daughter just wouldn't let her answer my questions, even when asked directly of the patient.

Finally, when her daughter interrupted her for the millionth time, Mom looked at me and said, "You'll have to forgive my daughter. Normally she wouldn't be accompanying me to doctor visits, but 52 years ago my diaphragm broke."

Of Flies and Men

Okay, for those of you live under a rock, you missed THE BIGGEST SCIENCE STORY OF THE DECADE yesterday.

Now, we humans are what biology types call vertebrates. Like birds, snakes, fish, turtles, and horses, we have spines.

Invertebrates is the really big group out there (97% of animal life on Earth). It includes flies, spiders, lobsters, coral, squids, and lots of others.

From what we know, we branched off from them roughly 535 million years ago. So with our last common ancestor being PRETTY OLD, you'd think we wouldn't have a lot in common.

But, apparently we do.



(Drosophila, by the way, are flies)


As published in the journal Science yesterday, if you take a bunch of horny male fruit flies, and deprive them of female companionship, they turn to consuming alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Now, anyone who knows a guy, or is a guy, is aware that this behavior clearly exists in human males, but it's interesting to find it in a life form fairly different from ours. Of course, I'm not sure if this has been tested in closer relatives, like dogs or chimpanzees. So it's possible this is some odd vestige left from 535 million years ago that's persisted in only 2 species.

Granted, I think it's unlikely there were any bars open then (although one near Big State University when I attended it may have been, as I don't think the bathrooms had been cleaned since trilobytes had used them).


I'm left with a few questions:

1. Is this where the rejection line "buzz off" originates?

2. Do flies have flying-insect-based porn flicks to turn to? If so do they feature stars with names like Jenna Erecta?

3. Who the hell thought of studying this in the first place? Where did they get funding? And how did they keep a straight face while asking for a grant?

4. Does this somehow relate to the fact that fruit flies have the longest sperm on Earth (2.3 inches each sperm! I SWEAR!)*

5. If the sexually satisfied flies are the ones hanging out on dog shit, and the deprived are the ones getting shit faced, which is worse?

6. Did anyone do this on female flies? When sex-deprived do they go shopping?


And last, I should add Mrs. Grumpy's comment that this proves males are a lower state of evolution than females, and simply haven't changed much in 535 million years.


* If knowing this fact ever helps you win millions on Jeopardy, please remember who told you. I take Paypal.

Phone bill

Mr. Library: "Here, I brought in several articles about my condition that I downloaded off the internet..."

(hands over 3-inch-thick notebook)

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay."

Mr. Library: "And here are the office numbers of their authors. As you can see, they cover several major universities around the globe. I'd like you to call and discuss my case with all them."

Mrs. Bojangles

One of my elderly patients has just gone downhill recently, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why.

So I had Mary bring her in.

I learned that for the last 12 years she based when to take her medications on when her dog asked to go out and pee, which was apparently pretty regular.

The dog died last month. So now she doesn't remember to take her pills.

I wanted to cry.

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. High-Maintenance: "Yes, I need to make a follow-up appointment with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, we can see you tomorrow, at 1:15 or 3:30."

Mrs. High-Maintenance: "No, that won't work. I can only do 10:30 in the morning."

Mary: "All right... What about Friday at 10:30?"

Mrs. High-Maintenance: "Oh sorry, it has to be a Thursday. I work at our downtown office near you every other week, so I guess that would mean a 10:30 only on Thursdays that fall on odd-numbered dates."

Mary: "Hang on... Well, the next time we can see you then would be, um, Thursday, April 5."

Mrs. High-Maintenance: "I need to be seen sooner than that! Can't you just re-schedule someone else?"

Mary: "No, we can't do that. It's not fair to other patients."

Mrs. High-Maintenance: "Well, you could be more flexible."

Today's featured item

Yes, the product you've all been waiting for: Now a starving vegan can eat her own purse, and not feel guilty about it!

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It's made from "animal-friendly faux leather" (i.e. PLASTIC).

By this standard cell phones, pens, and credit cards are now part of a well-balanced non-animal-product diet.

I should also note that anything called "Sacs of Life" brings a different kind of bag to mind.

Thank you, Kim!

Fax machine fun

Dear Dr. Talus,

I'm sorry your patient's cheapshit insurance doesn't cover podiatrists.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to start doing foot surgery.

I'm a neurologist. So please stop sending referrals like this to me.





Thank you,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Love and marriage

Dr. Grumpy: "When did you call paramedics?"

Mrs. Leg: "Let's see... the numbness started around 10:20, and by 10:30 the leg was very weak. I couldn't use it to stand or walk or anything, so I asked Bill to dial 911."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's when they were notified?"

Mrs. Leg: "Well, no. He got up and brought me the phone during the next commercial break, then I called."