Maybe I should start using Old Spice

Mrs. Colostrum: "It's a burning pain on one side of my head. It's like... Doctor, you know what it feels like when you've been breastfeeding, and after the infant is done you have a burning pain in that nipple? Did you breastfeed when you had your kids?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No."

Drug company ads

There's nothing quite as manly as testosterone. Especially when you're rubbing it into your smelly armpits.

So does anyone else out there think this ad campaign:






Would be a helluva lot better if it featured the Old Spice Guy?





"Smell like a man, man."


Just wondering.

Family ties

Dr. Grumpy: "How are things going?"

Mrs. Xanax: "It's very stressful. My sister and I aren't speaking to each other right now."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry to hear that. Is this the one who's having a baby? Last time you were here you were knitting a blanket for her?"

Mrs. Xanax: "Yeah, but that's where it all started. I was going to have the blanket done when she got to 36 weeks, but then she had all kinds of complications, and had a seizure, and they had to deliver the baby at 29 weeks, and the blanket wasn't done by then. Now she just spends all her time at the hospital visiting the baby, and I finally called and told her that I wasn't happy about how she ruined my plans to have the blanket ready in time, and that it's not all about her."

Your tax dollars at work

I, Dr. Grumpy, am not a cannibal. I have never been a cannibal, nor do I have any interest in being a cannibal.

In Oklahoma, however, an elected representative of the people (state Senator Ralph Shortey) has decided that eating human fetuses is a SERIOUS problem in America. If not now, it still could become one by, say, 2022.

So we need to act now to keep this from happening. Because, with all the other issues facing our society, people eating fetuses is apparently one of the bigger ones. At least to Mr. Shortey.

So he has, I SWEAR, introduced a bill to ban the practice of using human fetuses in food products.

Comically, he even admits that he's unaware of anyone actually doing this, but decided the law is needed because he researched the subject on the internet.

And we all know how accurate that is.

Thank you, Ed!

Counting

I recently got a pile of medical records from Dr. Downthestreet, which featured these notes on the bottom of a 4-page lab report.

By jove, I think he's got it!

Mr. Gregory: "Today is the 24th. Doctor, do you realize what that means?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, no?"

Mr. Gregory: "It's been 24 days since the month started."

Meetings and conferences and grand rounds OH MY!

A large part of a medical career is spent half awake in a darkened auditorium. It starts in medical school with classes. During the 3rd & 4th years it expands to include grand rounds and teaching conferences of whatever rotation you're on.

In residency it continues, with most programs having at lease 1 daily conference. Residents who don't show up risk incurring the wrath of the program director.

In the REAL WORLD this stuff continues. It's worst if you stay in academics, but even in private practice there are CME courses, annual meetings, etc. to go to (okay, I haven't gone to any for over 12 years, but I'm atypical). My idol, Dr. Oscar London, pointed out that by the time they finish training most doctors are conditioned to doze off when they hear "May I have the first slide, please."

But I digress.

Anyway, the point here is that these meetings are BORING. Except for the occasional fistfight between doctors breaking out (I personally witnessed one at a tumor board between a medical oncologist and radiation oncologist) these things are dreary as hell.

But there are rare exceptions. The one that will likely live on as THE MOST INTERESTING MEDICAL PRESENTATION EVER was in 1983, at the American Urodynamics Association annual meeting.

The presenter was Sir Giles Brindley (knighted in 1986 for bioengineering research).

At this point, I'm going to send you over to a summary article for the remarkable story of that day.

Thank you, Science Marches On Department!

Set to music, too

Dr. Grumpy: "What can I do for you?"

Mrs. Windows: "Do you have Powerpoint on your computer?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes?"

Mrs. Windows: "Here's a complete presentation on my symptoms." (hands over memory stick)

Addendum to the previous post

While reading the drunk-driving article linked in yesterday's post (below) I noticed this name in the comments under it:

If you're gonna do it, do it right

I bet he and his son are proud of each other.

Thank you, Amanda!

The surgery mindset

On rare occasions an orthopedic surgeon will rent a half-day of office space from Dr. Pissy and I, and today was one of those.

Unfortunately, the power was out for a few hours this afternoon due to the snowstorm. This is a major inconvenience, but what can you do? So the patients and I work through it as best we can.

Not the ortho doc, though. 10 minutes after it went out he came storming out of an exam room and went up to his secretary.

"Suzy! This power outage is unacceptable! Call the electric company and have them turn it back on immediately!"

Pissy and I had a hard time not cackling as he marched back into the exam room.

Awesomeness

Some days a patient reminds me of the (dwindling) reasons why I still love this job.


Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "I have no idea."

Dr. Grumpy: "You don't know if you have neck pain?"

Mr. Awesome: "Look, doc, I'm 89. If you pay attention to every ache and pain at my age you become a fucking hypochondriac."

Patient quote of the day

"My Dad had cancer. I think it was prosthetic cancer."

Why do I bother?

Dr. Grumpy: "Did that medicine help?"

Mr. Pill: "I don't know. The pharmacy never filled it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Whaaa..."

Mr. Pill: "I dropped it off last month, but they never called to tell me it was ready."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you go by to get it? Or call them to ask if it was ready?"

Mr. Pill: "Was I supposed to?"