"It was for a Halloween costume, I swear!"

Dating tips: Don't try this one.

Is there anybody out there?

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Image: "Hi, I need to set up my MRI."

Annie: "Hmmm... You're not on my list. When was the MRI ordered?"

Mrs. Image: "Last week."

Annie: "That's weird. I can't find you in our computer. Did Dr. Grumpy see you at the hospital?"

Mrs. Image: "I've never seen Dr. Grumpy."

Annie: "Um... I can't set up an MRI when you're not our patient. You'll have to call the doctor who ordered it."

Mrs. Image: "But his staff is busy taking care of patients."

Hello, telephone line

Dr. Grumpy: "How long were you unconscious?"

Mr. Shakin: "47 minutes. See, it happened while I was on the phone with my Mom. I'd just dialed her up, then I blacked out. When I came to the phone showed the call was still going on, and it was at 47 minutes. Mom was still on the other end, and driving over to my place."

Dr. Grumpy: "So then what..."

Mr. Shakin: "So, can you write a note for me? Because I only get 500 minutes a month, and want a letter for my cell phone company so they'll credit me for the 47 minutes I was out, because it wasn't my fault."

And it's a Smart Car, too...

Thank you, Kate!

Today's criminal tip

If you're going to inhale spray paint for a living, it's a good idea to change location here and there.

Mary's Desk, January 3, 2012

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy on Thursday, and am trying to decide if I should come in."

Mary: "Okay, are you still having problems?"

Mr. Vertebrae: "Yeah, but I don't know if it's worth the drive. What do you think?"

Mary: "Well, I recommend you come in, but I can't make that decision for you."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Well, I'm just not sure... What do you think? Don't you have a medical degree?"

Mary: "No, sir, I'm his secretary. I have a high school degree."

Mr. Vertebrae: "A high school degree? And you work at a doctor's office?"

Mary: "Sir, you'd be seeing Dr. Grumpy, not me, and he's a board-certified..."

Mr. Vertebrae: "Just cancel the appointment. I'm going to an office with qualified staff."

Technicalities

Mr. Webster: "I have a question. There's an error in your last note."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's wrong?"

Mr. Webster: "In the 3rd paragraph you said Fukitol made me tired."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes..."

Mr. Webster: "It didn't. It made me sleepy."

2012 - Signs of the apocalypse

Last night I bought MS Office for the kid's new iMac. And found this review on Amazon:


(click to enlarge)

Sunday hot tub reading

A recent study showed a protein (called PZP) increases in the blood as an early sign of Alzheimer's disease. I'm not bashing this research at all, because most neurologists would love a simple, reliable, blood test to offer patients.

However, the same protein also increases in one other human condition.

Pregnancy.

And I just can't wait to tell someone "The labs show you're pregnant. Or have Alzheimer's disease. Or both."

New Year's Eve, 10:55 p.m.

"Hi, I'm a patient of Dr. Grumpy's and I need him to call in some migraine medicine. I'm at a bar, and the loud music is giving me a headache, and the DJ won't turn it down, and I don't want to leave 'cuz I already paid my cover charge."

Kids

Dr. Grumpy: "So, Marie, what would you like to do tonight for New Year's Eve?"

Marie: "Um... Have dessert?"

Saturday guest post

Today I'm featuring a post sent in by Officer Cynical.

HOW TO GO TO JAIL

1. Drive a car with really loud exhaust pipes, so I'll notice you. AND

2. Have license plates on your car that, when I run the number, come back to a completely different color, year, make and model car. AND

3. Have a suspended driver's license. AND

4. Have no insurance on your car. AND

5. Have 2 pounds of marijuana, a supply of baggies, and a scale in plain view on your back seat.

"Tell me I'm illogical! Then spank me harder!"

Because sometimes Lt. Uhura just isn't enough to get you going...

Thank you, Tab!

Games I'm not playing

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll put in the MRI order. It will take 1-2 weeks to get authorization from your insurance, then Annie will call you to schedule the test."

Mr. Oig: "Can you do it today? My insurance changes on the first."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm sorry, it takes 1-2 weeks for routine studies."

Mr. Oig: "My co-pay goes from $75 for an MRI to $100."

Dr. Grumpy: "I understand, but it takes 1-2 weeks to even get it covered."

Mr. Oig: "Why don't you just order it STAT and say it's a medical emergency? You and I both know that will get it covered."

Dr. Grumpy: "But it's not an emergency. You've had these symptoms for over 2 years."

Mr. Oig: "So what? It's not a big deal."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's insurance fraud."

Mr. Oig: "Well, if you're not going to order it as STAT, then you better be willing to spot me the $25 difference."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm not going to do that."

Mr. Oig: "Fine. Then I'm just going to find an ER that will." (leaves)