Wednesday

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any trouble talking?"

Mr. &%$@#!!!: "Not that I've noticed. My wife says I swear a lot, but that's nothing new."

Timing is everything

Dr. Grumpy: "What brings you in to see me today?"

Mr. Chronos: "Well, I had this really bad back pain going into my right leg after moving some furniture, and it lasted about a day, then got better."

Dr. Grumpy: "When was this?"

Mr. Chronos: "Last spring, maybe around March."

Dr. Grumpy: "So, wait... You had back pain for one day 9 months ago? And you're coming to see me now?"

Mr. Chronos: "I didn't want to forget about it."

Living legends of medicine

This post is in honor of the two best doctors in America, and possibly the world.

While their names aren't known to the general public, they're instantly recognizable to all of us in the medical profession. And, in spite of their amazing talents, neither has ever been recognized by any of the various "Best Doc" magazines published in different cities.

So I feel that, after years of them laboring in secret, it's time to honor them.

AND THE 2 BEST DOCTORS ON THE PLANET ARE:

Some Guy, M.D. and This Lady, M.D.

And here is why they so richly deserve this honor:


1. Accessibility.

I don't know either of them personally. In fact, they have no phone listing. Yet, they're far more accessible than any other doctor I know. While I only see people in my office, or the hospital, during certain hours, Drs. Guy and Lady are accessible anywhere, anytime. Patients tell me they run into them at grocery stores, beauty salons, amusement parks, laundromats, hardware stores, cocktail parties- anywhere.

I might get a little irritated (okay, a lot irritated) if patients were to corner me for a consultation while I was out with my family, but not Some Guy or This Lady! In fact, from what I've been told, they don't mind at all, and often initiate the discussions themselves!


2. Cost.

This is how I make a living. I like this job, but it's still my job. I have a family to support. So Mary has to make sure we take your insurance, collect your co-pay, etc.

But not Drs. Guy and Lady! They don't check those minor details before providing treatment! As best I can tell, they don't charge anything for their time and advice.


3. Sheer brilliance.

I, and most doctors, do physical exams and order tests. They may vary from a few labs to an MRI, but generally that's how we get an idea of what's going on, and what the best course of action will be. Not Some Guy or This Lady, though!

They appear to have an uncanny knowledge of EXACTLY what's going on with you, even though they never touch you, ask detailed questions, or order any studies whatsoever! I can only assume they must always be right, as my brief search of American medical board records showed that neither of them has ever been subject to a single complaint or lawsuit!


4. Treatments

I prescribe medications. Some are cheap, some hideously expensive. But I do it to help you.

But Drs. Guy and Lady apparently have knowledge of treatments beyond the medical realm, which they generously share free of charge, involving a number of simple over-the-counter remedies that can apparently cure anything.


5. Knowledge.

I'm a specialist. I know a lot about common things in my fields, less about rarer disorders, and only a little bit about other fields. I think most other specialists would say the same.

But this amazing pair knows about EVERYTHING. They are general practitioners extraordinaire, with a knowledge fund that puts even the greatest doctors, like Osler, Charcot, or (my personal idol) Oscar London, to shame.

I can only assume this tremendous knowledge has come from experience. Some diseases are so rare that many of us go through an entire career without seeing them, but these two have seen ALL OF IT! They have incredible connections that have led to this (usually involving their uncle's friend's second cousin's wife, who once met a lady who's sister might have had the rare disorder).


6. Trust.

There's this mysterious thing called the Doctor-Patient relationship. It involves trust, and can take a while to build. There's some chemistry in it, and conversation, and voodoo. But it's critical to helping people.

But while it can take 1 or more appointments for most doctors and patients to reach this stage, for these two it's amazingly instantaneous. Most patients who get advice from them trust them automatically and completely, and are quite confident in their diagnostic and treatment abilities. This is in spite of (or perhaps because) they don't appear to have the same, years-long, formal medical training that I and my colleagues do.


7. International reputation.

I only practice in Grumpyville, and only have one medical license. But these 2 apparently are somehow EVERWHERE. I've had patients run into them in all 50 states, and even on overseas trips. Quite frankly, hearing about them makes me embarrassed to only be able to cover 1 hospital.


So, as 2011 comes to a close, I salute these 2 giants of medicine, and their numerous contributions to patient care.

Danger: Exploding snack food!

Wow. And I thought shaking up a can of Diet Coke was dangerous.

Beware of the Dragon!

I'd like to thank Brent for sending this in. It's from a cardiologist's dictation done with Dragon, that was mailed without being proofread.

While I can understand what the doctor is trying to say, this just sounds bad, and makes him look sloppy. And the little "This dictation was done with voice recognition software and may contain errors and omissions" disclaimer (that everyone puts at the bottom these days) is just a fancy way of saying you're too damn lazy to proofread.


"Concerning symptoms are note above and the patient, who by history sounds like she has had brief episodes of PSVT. All his life. I would like to obtain an echocardiogram and if this is unremarkable. A stress echo to start her duration of the above. If these are unremarkable. We will obtain an event monitor.

He is instructed that he is not to drive a lesser correctable etiology of these spells can be found or if he does not have them for 6 months. As also instructed not to be in a situation where she has a spell. He didn't injure himself, such as being a ladder."

December 25

Today we celebrate the birthday of one of the most remarkable people in recorded history.




Sir Isaac Newton

At the age 25, he published the Principia, which laid out the laws of force, motion, and gravity. He went on to invent calculus, showed that light is made up of a spectrum of colors, and made significant advances in optics. Although others would likely have discovered these at some point, it’s truly remarkable that one incredible intellect did so much.

Therefore, Sir Isaac, in honor of your 369th birthday, I dedicate this. Without you, it couldn't have been written. And I imagine it would be even better if all the exoplanets were known when it was.

December 24, 1944

It was Christmas Eve. The most horrible war the world had ever known was slowly drawing to a close. Nazi Germany would collapse in 6 months, the Japanese Empire in 9.

But Hitler's last large offensive, the Battle of the Bulge, was raging, and the Allies desperately needed reinforcements to stop it. Troopships were frantically bringing soldiers across the English Channel.

And on Christmas Eve, 1944, the passenger liner Leopoldville was chugging 2,235 soldiers over to reinforce the army's 66th Infantry. She was escorted by 4 destroyers.

It was a stormy night, and winds reached sea force 6. Many of the troops became seasick, and spent the night in the bathrooms or bed.

German U-Boats were still fighting, and on that night U-486, under the command of Oberleutnant Gerhard Meyer, was prowling the area. He found an opening in the destroyer screen and put a torpedo into the Leopoldville, with devastating results.

Troop compartments G-4 and F-4 contained 355 soldiers. When the torpedo exploded, F deck collapsed into G, and destroyed all stairways out. Less then 20 men from these 2 compartments were ever seen again.

Curiously, in spite of the damage sustained, no order to abandon ship came for some time, leading many to assume it was safe to go back to bed. And when the order did come on the P.A. system, it was in Flemish, and wasn't translated for the soldiers.

The crew of the sinking ship knew the extent of the damage. They quietly gathered their belongings (including a parrot), loaded them into lifeboats, and departed. They didn't warn the troops they were carrying, and left no one behind who knew how to work the lifeboats.

The Leopoldville had a good chance of surviving if she could be beached, and calls went out for tugs to pull her the last 5 miles to land. But it was Christmas Eve. Many on shore were on leave, and didn't take the first warnings seriously. Officers at parties had left orders that they were not to be interrupted.

A few miles from port a disaster was happening. And when the first cries for help came (30 minutes after the explosion), it was from one of the destroyers attending the sinking liner- Captain Limbor of the Leopoldville (who went down with the ship) refused to send a distress signal.

One of the catalysts to saving lives was Lt. Colonel McConnell on shore. On his own authority he cursed, kicked, and pulled men out of bed and parties, and brought life to the dockyard to send help. 50 minutes after the explosion the first rescue ships left Cherbourg, but critical time had already passed.

In Cherbourg Lt. Commander Davis mustered whatever he could - 3 PT boats - and sent them racing to help. He sent staff into town to pull men out of bars and restaurants and get them back to their ships. He notified hospitals, hotels, and camps that emergency facilities and quarters would be needed.

Commander Pringle of the destroyer H.M.S. Brilliant took the gutsy step of bringing his little ship alongside the dying giant. As their hulls kept crashing together in the waves, Brilliant began leaking herself. But Pringle ordered his engineers to stay at the pumps and keep working. British sailors yelled up at the Leopoldville for their American allies to jump across in the rocky seas, and did their best to assist them in getting abroad. Comically, the other 3 destroyers hadn't been informed of the Leopoldville's damage, and after giving up the hunt for the U-Boat they went ahead into port.

After collecting 700 soldiers, Brilliant had to cut free to repair her own hull damage. Pringle had heard of the approaching PT boats and tugs, and planned to get into port, unload the survivors, and return to help. But the Leopoldville didn't have that much time.

Many died bravely that night. With the stairs gone, Colonel Ira Rumberg had himself lowered repeatedly into the ship's hold, bringing up a man under each arm every time. He went down with the ship, trying to save more. He was just one of many others who died when they willingly went below decks to lead others to safety.

The Leopoldville finally sank at 8:30 p.m., 2 1/2 hours after the torpedo struck. She left an estimated 1000 men floating in the stormy, 48°F (9°C), sea, many of whom died of exposure over the next few hours. The crews of an assortment of military and private craft worked through the night trying to save as many as possible.

The tragedy of the Leopoldville is that, outside of those who died in the initial explosion, all could have been saved if the ship's crew had been properly organized, distress signals sent out as soon as the damage became apparent, and the majority of the shore authorities weren't in a state of negligence. 802 men died that night- the only American ship with more casualties during WWII was the U.S.S. Arizona.

The U-486 with Oberleutnant Meyer and his crew themselves were all lost 4 months later when they were sunk by the submarine H.M.S. Tapir.

Sadly, the allied governments decided to cover up the sinking. Families were told their loved ones were dead or missing, without disclosure of circumstances. The files weren't declassified until 1996, more than 50 years after the disaster. So memories and memorials of the disaster are few.

Today the Leopoldville is a war grave, lying on her side at the bottom of the English Channel.

Friday afternoon

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Joseph: "Hi, I need to get in today."

Mary: "I'm sorry, but Dr. Grumpy is with his last patient of the day right now. We're closed for the holiday until Tuesday, but can see you next week."

Mrs. Joseph: "NO! I need to get in TODAY!"

Mary: "We're closing in 20 minutes, ma'am. Can I schedule you for next week?"

Mrs. Joseph: "You're like, that, that... INNKEEPER! You're turning me away! Like Mary and Joseph! And on Christmas eve, no less!"

Mary: "Ma'am, it's not Christmas eve, and I..."

Mrs. Joseph: "BITCH!" (click)

Today's featured gifts

This is the last installment of the 2011 gift guide. Thanks to all who sent stuff in, and remember to please keep sending them year-round. Before you know it the 2012 gift guide season will be here!


Featured gift #1

Ladies, are you tired of routine breastwear (is that a word)? Are you hopelessly addicted to playing Angry Birds?

Well now you can liven up your chest, and show your love of video games, with the Angry Boobs bra!





Yes, this once-in-a-lifetime bra is available from Etsy in sizes from 34A to 38DD. It does not inflate with wine, though consumption of beer by males may make it appear to do so.


Featured gift #2

In this era of trying to use clean, renewable, energy sources, it's nice to see a product that takes this to the point of idiocy:

Yes, folks, it's the solar-powered windmill!





This amazing product has unlimited potential: By harnessing the power of the sun, you can make a windmill turn! Then, by using the electricity generated by the windmill turning, you can power a lightbulb! And you can use the lightbulb to power the solar cell! Voilá! You've discovered a feedback loop with an endless energy supply!

(This company also sells a solar powered reading light! REALLY!)


Happy holidays to all!

Today's featured gift

What do we need more of?

I think all of us often wake up saying "Gee, I wish there was some way I could make my crotch more hot and sweaty than it already is."

Fortunately there's an easy answer: Vibrating Sauna Pants!





Now, even in a place as cold and snowy as Grumpyville you can keep your private areas sweaty and moving, and make believe this is a substitute for exercise.

These sexy pants come with a thermostat, so you can heat your junk to the desired temperature, and an adjustable vibration setting (so you can differentiate them from your cell phone ringing).

In the immortal words of Roosevelt E. Roosevelt "It's hot enough here to cook things in my shorts! A little crotchpot cooking." And now that can be you.

Dr. Grumpy's Salon

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office. This is Annie."

Miss Clairol: "Hey, I saw Dr. Grumpy last week, and I have a question."

Annie: "Okay, what's up?"

Miss Clairol: "If I washed my hair last night, would today be day zero or day one until I have to wash it again?"

Today's featured gift

Do you wish you could take your dog everywhere? Have you ever heard the expression "putting on the dog" and wanted to do it? Well, now you can!





Yes, with Woofspun products you can order quality knitted items made from genuine dog fur, or even collect your own from a favorite pet (or 2, or 3) and they'll turn it into yarn for you!

Given that 2 of the Grumpy dogs are less than 20 pounds, I doubt they give off enough in a lifetime to make a decent pair of gloves. Although if Mello doesn't stop pulling food off the counter and eating it (including a tub of artichoke & olive hummus, FFS!) she's going to be a rug pretty soon.

3-for-1 idiocy

Tonight alert reader Lee, from Phoenix, sent me not one, not two, but THREE articles on the exploits of some very special people.


First, if you're going to steal a vehicle, you should get something that blends into traffic.

Second, if you're going to court on drunk driving charges, try to show up sober.

And last, even if you're a cop doing a drunk driving demo, you should remember not to drive drunk.

Thank you, Lee!

Dear CNN,

Thank you for today's great "breaking news" headline.

(click to enlarge)





I'm glad to know NASA finally discovered the first Earth-sized planets in the universe. All this time I thought I was living on an "Earth-sized" planet, but apparently I was wrong.

For that matter, I always thought Venus was roughly "Earth-sized." I guess you found the "Earth-sized" planets are actually somewhere else.

So, when you decide what size planet the Earth is, please let me know. In case I ever get on Jeopardy or something.