My readers write

From the wonderful world of law enforcement, my reader Officer Cynical sent in this story yesterday:

"This morning I arrested a woman for DUI, after she drove off the street and hit a tree at 7:30 a.m. She was quite drunk, and thought it was 11:00 at night and that she was going to her overnight shift at Walmart.

Anyway, once in the little ER exam room for blood draws and jail clearance, my partner said to her: "Doris, this may take a while. Why don't you have a seat?"

She said "I can't sit down. I have a turd in my pants."

Oh, for hell's sake

Even the menu at Local Theater's Friday Night Kids Show isn't safe.

(click to enlarge)




Although personally I think charging $13 for a freakin' turkey sandwich and bag of Doritos is a bigger atrocity than overuse of the word.

Thursday evening, 7:10 p.m.

We have a clock by the front sign-in sheet. It's part of a kitschy ceramic black & white statue made to look like some type of cartoonish farm animal. I have no idea who bought it originally. I've never paid it much attention.

Last night, just after 7:00, I got called that a patient needed to talk to me.


Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Miss Tangent: "Hi! I was there earlier today, for my arm pain. I brought my sister to the appointment. Do you remember?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. What can I do for you?"

Miss Tangent: "I need your help. My sister and I have been arguing since the appointment, and we need to know if that clock statue thing on your front desk is supposed to be a horse or a cow?"

Pop quiz

Okay, folks, today we're going to look at some pictures (not those kinds of pictures, get your minds out of the gutter). Take out your #2 pencils. After we're done pass your paper to the person behind you for grading.

If you need a better look, click on the pictures to enlarge them.


1. This picture is from:




(A). A promotional piece for Extreme Cage Fighting, 2011

(B). A "don't litter, or else" public service announcement.

(C). A notice not to pick up hitchhikers.

(D). The Halloween costume your kid wanted last year.

(E). An advertisement for a narcotic pain killer.



2. This is:




(A). A polar bear. What kind of stupid question is that?

(B). A commercial for the new show on Animal Planet.

(C). What are those red lines... Wait a minute! Do polar bears really have a tail covering their butt? I better google that.

(D). An ad for a new treatment for shingles pain.

(E). A and D.




3. This is:




(A). An ad for a rustic fishing supplies shop.

(B). The symbol for the new "Jesus loves you and your aquarium" campaign.

(C). From a fish conservation group.

(D). The new logo for Osteichthyes Bank & Trust.

(E). In an ad for a muscle relaxant.




4. This makes me think of:





(A). A promo for "Beauty and the Beast"

(B). Do Halloween and Valentines fall on the same day this year?

(C). OMG! Simba killed a florist!

(D). Aslan is "in the mood."

(E). Yet another ad for an expensive painkiller.




5. This next picture is:





(A). That guy you owe money to.

(B). An ad for World Championship Wrestling

(C). Wow. Bobby Knight sure looks different these days.

(D). The neighborhood chiropractor.

(E). An ad for the same narcotic as picture #1.


In case you didn't guess, (E) is the answer to all of them. And no, I'm not in marketing. I have NO IDEA WHATSOEVER where they came up these pictures. But I want to hire the guy in #6 to work as my office bouncer. And yes, polar bears really do have small tails.

Healthy Lifestyle

Miss Tuber: "I try to stay active and keep in shape."

Dr. Grumpy: "How do you do that?"

Miss Tuber: "I watch reality shows on TV."

Okay, that's a good excuse

My 9:15 yesterday, Mrs. Plum, didn't show up for her appointment. This surprised me, as she hasn't missed an appointment in the 5 years I've been caring for her. Mary had even confirmed her on Monday.

This was unexpected enough that I kept bugging Mary, asking her if Mrs. Plum had come in yet. Finally she just said "No! She's not here! I'd tell you if she's here! Maybe she's in a coma!"

I felt bad about irritating Mary, so apologized and went on to my next group of patients.

About an hour later Mary came back to tell me the ER was on the phone, so I picked up.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. ER: "Yeah, I have a patient of yours here, Frieda Plum. Her husband couldn't wake her up this morning, and it looks like she's in a coma..."

I need to be REALLY nice to Mary. She has terrible powers.

Half-assed surgery

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc., think your butt looks fine as it is.

But if you insist on having a new rump installed, we recommend that you seek a trained medical professional.

While a Hampton Inn is a perfectly nice place, with free WiFi and a continental breakfast, they are generally NOT known for their in-room surgical capabilities.

Like this lady found out.

Thank you, Erin!

Aaaaaauuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other questions?"

Mr. Oldguy: "Yeah." (reaches into coat, pulls out plastic bag with a bunch of white powdery stuff in it) "What do you think of this?"

Dr. Grumpy: (thinking: cocaine? talcum? dandruff?) "Uh, it looks some sort of white powder..."

Mr. Oldguy: "I scrapped it off the bottom of my foot this morning."

Great drug rep moments

"Doctor, our company is actively involved in Alzheimer's research. In fact, one of our internal studies recently found that patients and their families are concerned the disease may cause memory loss. They worry about being forgetful, too."

Thanks for whatever

Yesterday we sat the twins down, duct-taped them to chairs at Taserpoint and politely asked them to complete their birthday thank you notes.

Here are some excerpts:

"Thank you for Wii Music. It's musical."

"Thanks for the presents. Now I have something to do."

Sunday reruns

From February, 2009:


My first consult at the hospital this morning was an elderly gentleman who passed out while watching the Super Bowl yesterday. I quote directly from the note of the admitting internist:

"He was in his usual state of good health when he awoke this morning at around 10. He normally has eggs and toast for breakfast, but this morning decided to skip it and went straight to cocktails. He had 7-8 Manhattans over the course of the day while waiting for the game to start."

Oh, for freak's sake!

See? It's every-damn-where!




Thank you, Shannon!

Today's criminal tips

Okay, since learning from experience is good, here are today's suggestions for you budding criminals out there:

1. When burglarizing a home, it is NOT a good idea to stop to charge your cell phone. You might accidentally leave it there.

2. If you take up growing marijuana as a hobby, do not call 911 with questions about it.

Dear American Academy of Dermatology,

I, the great Dr. Grumpy, Neurologist-at-large, have absolutely NO FREAKING IDEA how I ended up on your email list. I don't even go to my own specialty's meetings (my idea of hell is a room with more than 1 neurologist).

Nevertheless, thanks for the invite today. If I find myself in New Orleans this weekend, and have absolutely nothing to do, and the French Quarter is closed, and Mrs. Grumpy has let me off my leash, and Ignatius J. Reilly is unavailable for dinner, and I have a few hundred bucks in conference registration fees burning a hole in my pocket, then I will most certainly attend.




Because, as an elite neurologist, I find the latest news on skin, hair, and nails to be absolutely fascinating.

Hoping you've found a way to stop my remaining hairs from falling out,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.