Half-assed surgery

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc., think your butt looks fine as it is.

But if you insist on having a new rump installed, we recommend that you seek a trained medical professional.

While a Hampton Inn is a perfectly nice place, with free WiFi and a continental breakfast, they are generally NOT known for their in-room surgical capabilities.

Like this lady found out.

Thank you, Erin!

Aaaaaauuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other questions?"

Mr. Oldguy: "Yeah." (reaches into coat, pulls out plastic bag with a bunch of white powdery stuff in it) "What do you think of this?"

Dr. Grumpy: (thinking: cocaine? talcum? dandruff?) "Uh, it looks some sort of white powder..."

Mr. Oldguy: "I scrapped it off the bottom of my foot this morning."

Great drug rep moments

"Doctor, our company is actively involved in Alzheimer's research. In fact, one of our internal studies recently found that patients and their families are concerned the disease may cause memory loss. They worry about being forgetful, too."

Thanks for whatever

Yesterday we sat the twins down, duct-taped them to chairs at Taserpoint and politely asked them to complete their birthday thank you notes.

Here are some excerpts:

"Thank you for Wii Music. It's musical."

"Thanks for the presents. Now I have something to do."

Sunday reruns

From February, 2009:


My first consult at the hospital this morning was an elderly gentleman who passed out while watching the Super Bowl yesterday. I quote directly from the note of the admitting internist:

"He was in his usual state of good health when he awoke this morning at around 10. He normally has eggs and toast for breakfast, but this morning decided to skip it and went straight to cocktails. He had 7-8 Manhattans over the course of the day while waiting for the game to start."

Oh, for freak's sake!

See? It's every-damn-where!




Thank you, Shannon!

Today's criminal tips

Okay, since learning from experience is good, here are today's suggestions for you budding criminals out there:

1. When burglarizing a home, it is NOT a good idea to stop to charge your cell phone. You might accidentally leave it there.

2. If you take up growing marijuana as a hobby, do not call 911 with questions about it.

Dear American Academy of Dermatology,

I, the great Dr. Grumpy, Neurologist-at-large, have absolutely NO FREAKING IDEA how I ended up on your email list. I don't even go to my own specialty's meetings (my idea of hell is a room with more than 1 neurologist).

Nevertheless, thanks for the invite today. If I find myself in New Orleans this weekend, and have absolutely nothing to do, and the French Quarter is closed, and Mrs. Grumpy has let me off my leash, and Ignatius J. Reilly is unavailable for dinner, and I have a few hundred bucks in conference registration fees burning a hole in my pocket, then I will most certainly attend.




Because, as an elite neurologist, I find the latest news on skin, hair, and nails to be absolutely fascinating.

Hoping you've found a way to stop my remaining hairs from falling out,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Friday morning, 12:03 a.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Awake: "Yeah, I see you for headaches, and I called your office on Wednesday. You called in Imitrex for me, and it helped a lot."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, so why are you calling me now?"

Mr. Awake: "Um, because Annie told me to call back on Friday and let you know how I'm doing, and it's Friday now."

Heart? Appendix? Wurlitzer?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Helpful: "My dad is missing an organ. I don't know what it's called."

Dear Local Medical Career College,

Thank you for dropping off pamphlets about your new medical assistant training program yesterday.

In all honesty, they don't inspire a lot of confidence.

Annie's desk, February 1, 2011

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mrs. Copay: "Hi, I need Dr. Grumpy to call in some medication for my back. I also need him to order physical therapy and an MRI."

Annie: "Hang on, let me look up your chart... it looks like we haven't seen you since 2008..."

Mrs. Copay: "That's correct."

Annie: "... and at that time you were here for a completely different issue. It looks like Dr. Grumpy has never seen you for back problems."

Mrs. Copay. "Whatever. Let me give you the number for my pharmacy..."

Annie: "Look, he can't give you medications or order anything for a condition he hasn't seen you for before. Especially when it's been 3 years since you were last here at all. You'll need to make an appointment."

Mrs. Copay: "Well, my insurance copay is now $35, and I don't want to spend that just to come see him."

Annie: "We can't do anything without seeing you."

Mrs. Copay: "Why doesn't anyone care about patients anymore? All you people want is my money." (hangs up).

Being thorough

Dr. Grumpy: "Besides your gallbladder, any other surgeries?"

Mr. Eightyseven: "Yup. When I was a baby they clipped my pecker."

I'm feeling the love

This letter came in yesterday's mail.


"Dear Dr. Grumpy,

"You don't know me, but I'm a patient of Dr. Pissy's.

"I had an appointment last week, and noticed you standing in the hallway.

"Based on my observations, I'd like to offer you my services as a professional shopper and fashion expert. For a nominal fee I'd take your measurements, then carefully select clothes that are both fashionable and flattering to you.

"I want to reassure you that I understand your appearance is not your fault. I'm sure a man in your position doesn't have time to shop for himself, and your wife may be too hurried to select nice clothes for you. In addition, many men, in my experience, are color blind.

"I've enclosed my business card, and look forward to working with you.

Yours truly,

Cindy Polyester."