But he doesn't look a day over 400!

On rounds last night, I discovered this line in a new patient's chart:

(click to enlarge)

Questions I'm sorry I asked

Mrs. Migraine: "I'm not sure I want to start any medicines, because my husband and I are thinking about trying to have children."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, when do you think you'd be starting?"

Mrs. Migraine (blushes): "Um, like today, during his lunch break."

Dear Americhoice Healthcare

On your website, you feature this picture under "Our doctors", and I'm honestly not sure what you're trying to say.





1. Our doctors are afraid to show their faces.

2. Our doctors are afraid of getting kicked in the genitalia.

3. Our doctors wear scrubs coordinated to make them look like a roll of Life Savers candies.

4. Our doctors are protesting against the new TSA scanners.

5. You're in good hands with our gynecologists and urologists.

6. We're so germaphobic here that our entire staff wears gowns & gloves.

7. "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, don't touch my crotch."

8. We desperately need a manicure, but are wearing gloves so you don't see.

9. Americhoice pays us so poorly we can't afford clothes.

10. We have glow-in-the-dark scrubs so bright that even the color-blind will notice them.

Thank you, Nicole!

Mary's desk, January 11, 2011

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Timepiece: "Hi! This is Mr. Timepiece! It's 10:55, my appointment is at 11:00, and I'm running late!"

Mary: "Um, actually, sir, your appointment is at 3:00 today."

(pause)

Mr. Timepiece: "Then I'm running early! Never mind!"

(click)

Medical research

While doing some Sunday hot tub reading, I came across a remarkable article in last week's Neurology Today (January 6, 2011, page 18).

Basically they caused rats to have a stroke by occluding an artery, and half of them repeatedly had their whiskers petted during this. They found that rats who had their whiskers stroked ("mild tactile stimulation" in medical talk) had less damage from the event.

Interesting? Yes. But to use the cliché, "further research is needed."

I have a hard time suddenly extrapolating this finding to humans (for one thing, we don't have whiskers, at least not the sensory type rodents have). We may be physiologically similar to rats, but we aren't the same.

Someone who's having a stroke certainly gets their share of "tactile stimulation"- family members holding hands, doctors & nurses examining them, IV's getting put in, blood drawn, blood pressure cuffs, etc.

But I don't see anyone showing that the touch component alone makes a big difference in Homo sapiens.

Not even in this guy.

I'm also not so sure how this could be studied. Since we don't have sensory whiskers, what do you touch in humans? Hair? Limbs? Ear lobe? And how do you sort out real tactile stimulation vs. placebo tactile stimulation? Touch only the side the patient can't feel anything on, since they won't know?

On the other hand, after many years in the trenches giving the so called "miracle clotbuster" TPA, I must say this new treatment (in my opinion) appears to be at least as effective as TPA, and a helluva lot safer.

Attention guys!

Penis enlarging methods are SCAMS. Regardless of what the email from Zlygovistan says, whatever they're trying to sell you WILL NOT INCREASE ANYTHING but your credit card bill.

If someone were to attach some sort of s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g device to my winkie, I think it would get pretty uncomfortable after a minute or so. Maybe some guys are into putting their private parts on the rack, but I'm not one of them.

But a truly determined guy in Quebec decided to give it, not 1 or 2 measly minutes of use, BUT 500 FREAKIN' HOURS OF PENILE TENSILE TESTING!!!

At the end of this tumescent marathon, with no visible improvement, he decided to sue the manufacturer.

His case, I swear, is being heard in small-claims court.

Here's the original news story.

Thank you, Webhill!

Monday morning, 4:53 a.m.

Get 15% off hello kitty scrubs with code "hellosale"

"Hey, um, this is Jennifer Jail, and my boyfriend is supposed to see Dr. Grumpy at 11:00 today, and kind of needs help in order to make that appointment, so I was hoping you'd call me back. We're trying to raise bail money to get him out by then, and if you can help that would be great. Otherwise he's gonna have to cancel the appointment. Thank you."

Skool Nerse Tyme

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Since school started again last week, kids have been coming by my office to show me their new toys. So many cool things they didn't have when I was a kid.

I think it's absolutely great that so many of you parents gave your kids these new "spy camera" toys that can see in the dark and take pictures around corners and other stuff. It certainly gets their imaginations going. All last week I saw blurry shots of carpet, startled dogs, and sleeping siblings.

But my favorite were the ones I saw of Mrs. Claus wearing a Santa hat while riding St. Nick. Obviously, you guys were so involved that Junior had plenty of time to focus properly and get a few good pics. He also had a 10 second video clip, with sound.

Anyway, since they don't teach you how to handle these situations in school nurse class, I asked him to delete the files and not do that again. I told him to ask you guys if he had any questions about what you were doing. You're his parents, not me.

I also recommend that you guys learn to lock your bedroom door before playing "hide the yule log."

Happy new year!

Bedside manner with Dr. Grumpy

Mr. Aspirin: "Doc, I've had 2 strokes. The first was in 2007, when I was visiting friends in Canada, and the 2nd happened last month while I was at a Bible class. Does that mean anything?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. You should avoid Canadian Bible classes."

Fortunately, he had a sense of humor.

Parenthood

Is when you wake up at 2:00 a.m., and realize you forgot to put money from the tooth fairy under your kid's pillow.

And you left your wallet out in your car.

So you find yourself barefoot, wearing only boxer shorts, in an unheated garage (28°F/-2°C) in the middle of winter.

And, because your wallet has slipped under the car seat, you have to kneel on the freezing concrete to try to reach around and find it.

It's hard to fall back asleep after that.

Criminal of the week

Okay, let's look at this:

1. If you burglarize homes, it is NOT recommended that you keep breaking into THE SAME ONE.

2. Unless you're a professional wine/beer/tequila taster it is NOT recommended that you drink heavily on the job, no matter what you do. This includes being a burglar.

3. If you ignore #2, get drunk on the job, and can't remember how to get out of the house, it is NOT recommended that you call the cops for help.

1, 2, 3, strikes, YOU'RE OUT! Like this guy.

Oooo! Tell me more!

This was left on Mary's voicemail during lunch today:

"Hello, this is Cindy Athome. I just got out of the shower, and I'm completely naked, and wet, and dripping on the floor, and I just realized I missed an appointment with Dr. Grumpy this morning. I'd like to reschedule, if someone could call me back. I can't come in right this instant, because I'm not wearing anything, but am going to go get dressed."

OH BOY! It's time for my pap smear!

Dear Medical Supply Catalog,

While I understand that attractive, Prozac-overdosed models may sell merchandise effectively, you should know that, in reality, NOBODY looks this happy about having to put on an exam gown.




Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Challenging case

Dr. Grumpy: "How did this all start?"

Mr. Lenz: "When I woke up yesterday, everything was blurry."

Dr. Grumpy: "Has it gotten better?"

Mr. Lenz: "Oh, it was fine as soon as I put on my glasses."