Today's featured gift

I know there are golf fanatics out there, who live to play.

But sometimes you can't get out to the course. Maybe the weather is bad. Or you're just too busy at work. Or you can't get a decent tee time.

And that's where this next gift comes in.

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Yes, it's a miniature golf course for your bathroom. It includes a putter, 2 balls (besides your own, guys) and a "Do Not Disturb" sign. I suppose you should also spring for some Clorox wipes to clean the putter between rounds.

Holiday travel tips

Attention potheads!

If you want to travel with marijuana and associated paraphernalia by plane, that's your business.

I'm sure there are many creative ways to try and keep airport security from noticing it.

HOWEVER disguising your marijuana grinder as a freakin' hand grenade isn't one of them!

Like this guy.

Thank you, Michelle!

Okey-Dokey

Mr. Acei: "I have terrible back problems."

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of symptoms do you have?"

Mr. Acei: "My blood pressure goes up."

Dr. Grumpy: "But where does your back hurt?"

Mr. Acei: "My back feels fine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Then why do you say you have back problems?"

Mr. Acei: "What else could make my blood pressure go up?"

Is there a doctor on board?

Now I, Dr. Grumpy, consider myself a reasonably good neurologist. And I stay in my comfort zone. I don't try to treat chest pain, snotty noses, or dogs.

And, unless I really had no other options, would definitely NOT pretend to be able to fly a plane.

But Captain William Hamman, a senior jumbo jet captain for United Airlines, has apparently been doing both. He really is a pilot.

At the same time (sort of like in Catch Me If You Can) he's been passing himself off as a doctor. Not just any doctor, but a cardiologist. And he's done training courses for the AMA, American College of Caridiology, and FAA. He's done CME lectures at accredited training programs.

Guess what? After many years of doing this, he turns out not to be a doctor at all! He never did residency, or fellowship. He briefly attended medical school in the late 1970's, but dropped out and never graduated.

And it took 30 freakin' years for someone to realize this!

Here's the story.

Thank you, Don.

Today's featured gift

Do you have neck problems? Do you need more support under your head? Are you looking for a way to strangle yourself, but don't know how to tie a noose?

Well, look no further!




Here we have a gadget that you simply strap around your neck and gradually pump up until it reaches the level of asphyxiation and/or comfort desired.

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc. DO NOT recommend that you have another person inflate this for you. Especially if they are your ex-spouse, or someone who will benefit from your life insurance policy.

On call- Live the adventure

A nurse called me yesterday because a patient was getting worse, fast. So I ordered a STAT CT scan of her head.

So Ms. Nurse asked if I wanted just a head CT, or a if I'd prefer to do a "Stroke Alert!".

This was a new one to me. She explained that a "Stroke Alert!" is a new protocol developed by my hyperactive colleague, Dr. Nerve. When a "Stroke Alert!" is ordered they automatically do a head CT, EKG, a few labs, and call a Nurse Practitioner who's in the hospital to come assess the patient.

So I said what the hell. Let's do a "Stroke Alert!". She said she'd take care of it, and got off the phone.

Roughly 3 minutes later my cell phone rings again. It's the clerk for that floor.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Clerk: "Yes, I'm calling to tell you that there's a Stroke Alert! in progress in room 52."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes... I ordered it."

Mr. Clerk: "Well, the protocol says we have to immediately notify the neurologist on call for all Stroke Alert! situations."

Dr. Grumpy: "Even if the neurologist is the same person who just ordered it?"

Mr. Clerk: "Look, I'm just following the protocol."

Yet more gifts

Hi, Zuktar the Mighty here, penning a guest column for Dr. G's gift guide.

In the good old days, after vanquishing an opponent, we would celebrate by drinking from their skull. Sure, they leaked a little, and were tricky to grip, but they could hold a lot of wine or espresso, and made a decent insulated container if the coffee were too hot.

But for a modern barbarian, things are different. I mean, that block party tends to empty early if you put skulls next to the punch bowl. And if you hold up a skull at Starbucks and ask the barrista to pour your latte in there, you get some funny looks. Once she collapsed, though luckily a guy dressed as Elvis ran in and saved her.

So what's a 21st century barbarian doing a pencil-pushing desk job to do? Well, fortunately there are options. I can get pen holders made from vertebrae and femurs. These handsome accessories make any desk special.

Particularly when your new boss realizes what happened to the last person who didn't give you a raise.

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Gifts for the ladies

Diamonds, pearls, and emeralds are so passé and 20th century. Buying jewelry in this era can be such a challenge.
What is it that the modern lady wants as an adornment? Why a necklace with carefully preserved anatomical sections from a bull's penis and testicles of course!

If bull gonads aren't your thing, you can also get pieces of horses and ducks, too.

Of course, some woman prefer bracelets or earrings when displaying dead animals in plastic. Fortunately, you can look here for other tasteful options. Just click on the subcategories.

Stop the presses! Shocking medical research!

Getting hit in the head likely isn't good for you.

Getting in the head repeatedly is probably even worse.

And getting hit hard enough to make you lose consciousness is assumed to be really bad.

Of course, as always, somebody felt the need to prove this. So they studied boxers and found that (GASP!) getting hit in the head repeatedly is bad for you!

Here's the article.

Thank you, Cherie.

Dear Health Monitor magazine,

Thank you for the letter that came this week asking me to remove your pulp rag magazine from my lobby.

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A couple points I'd like to make:

1. Your magazine came in freakin' MAY! There's no way my awesome office staff would have left it out there until December to read, anyway.

2. In fact, there's no way it would have made it to the lobby at all. It went into recycling shortly after it arrived. My patients prefer reading "People", "Sports Illustrated", and "Better Homes and Trailers".

3. I'm kind of sorry now that I did toss them, as I'd like to know what sort of "advertiser error" would lead you to recall it 6 months after the fact. Please feel free to comment if it's something juicy.

4. (MOST IMPORTANT). There is a DAMN good reason your magazine should have been recalled (or never published in the first place). The issue in question is the one I already featured on this blog because of the wild-eyed, Haldol-deprived, migraine patient you had on the cover!!!

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Biting my tongue

Mr. Bright: "I had a brain MRI."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have the report?"

Mr. Bright: "No. That's personal information. Why would you need that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm the brain doctor."

Mr. Bright: "You are? Oh, I thought you were a neurologist."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am. Brains are what a neurologist does."

Mr. Bright: "Oh. Well, my regular doctor said it showed nothing."

My inner voice: "I'm sure it did."

More fine gifts

I use pens in my office, but at home I use pencils for most things (some of you may remember my tribute to an old friend).

I still haven't found a good pencil sharpener, either (the new X-Acto one we got is a POS).

So I was glad to learn of Mr. David Rees. This former political cartoonist quit his job to pursue a lifelong dream of being a professional pencil sharpener. I am not joking.

Now, I can't afford $17 for a hand sharpened pencil, but I have to respect someone for finding a career that hadn't existed before him.

Here's his site. Check it out. Even if you don't buy a pencil, it's worth the entertainment.

(Disclaimer- I don't know Mr. Rees at all, nor was I paid to put this up. But I do like his idea.)

Using the Jedi Mind Trick

Dr. Grumpy: "When did your headaches start?"

Daughter: "6 months after the car accident."

Mrs. Mother: "NO! You mean they started immediately after the car accident!"

Daughter: "I mean they started immediately after the car accident."

Whatever

Mr. Mesial: "I had another seizure on Sunday morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Mr. Mesial: "One of my buddies had a bachelor party on Saturday, and I stayed up late and forgot to take my medication."

Dr. Grumpy: "It sounds like that's the cause."

Mr. Mesial: "Um, actually no. I think it's punishment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Punishment?"

Mr. Mesial: "Well, when I was in church later on I realized it was because I had impure thoughts about the stripper we'd hired."