Today's featured gift

Do you have neck problems? Do you need more support under your head? Are you looking for a way to strangle yourself, but don't know how to tie a noose?

Well, look no further!




Here we have a gadget that you simply strap around your neck and gradually pump up until it reaches the level of asphyxiation and/or comfort desired.

We at Grumpy Neurology, Inc. DO NOT recommend that you have another person inflate this for you. Especially if they are your ex-spouse, or someone who will benefit from your life insurance policy.

On call- Live the adventure

A nurse called me yesterday because a patient was getting worse, fast. So I ordered a STAT CT scan of her head.

So Ms. Nurse asked if I wanted just a head CT, or a if I'd prefer to do a "Stroke Alert!".

This was a new one to me. She explained that a "Stroke Alert!" is a new protocol developed by my hyperactive colleague, Dr. Nerve. When a "Stroke Alert!" is ordered they automatically do a head CT, EKG, a few labs, and call a Nurse Practitioner who's in the hospital to come assess the patient.

So I said what the hell. Let's do a "Stroke Alert!". She said she'd take care of it, and got off the phone.

Roughly 3 minutes later my cell phone rings again. It's the clerk for that floor.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Mr. Clerk: "Yes, I'm calling to tell you that there's a Stroke Alert! in progress in room 52."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes... I ordered it."

Mr. Clerk: "Well, the protocol says we have to immediately notify the neurologist on call for all Stroke Alert! situations."

Dr. Grumpy: "Even if the neurologist is the same person who just ordered it?"

Mr. Clerk: "Look, I'm just following the protocol."

Yet more gifts

Hi, Zuktar the Mighty here, penning a guest column for Dr. G's gift guide.

In the good old days, after vanquishing an opponent, we would celebrate by drinking from their skull. Sure, they leaked a little, and were tricky to grip, but they could hold a lot of wine or espresso, and made a decent insulated container if the coffee were too hot.

But for a modern barbarian, things are different. I mean, that block party tends to empty early if you put skulls next to the punch bowl. And if you hold up a skull at Starbucks and ask the barrista to pour your latte in there, you get some funny looks. Once she collapsed, though luckily a guy dressed as Elvis ran in and saved her.

So what's a 21st century barbarian doing a pencil-pushing desk job to do? Well, fortunately there are options. I can get pen holders made from vertebrae and femurs. These handsome accessories make any desk special.

Particularly when your new boss realizes what happened to the last person who didn't give you a raise.

Click to enlarge

Gifts for the ladies

Diamonds, pearls, and emeralds are so passé and 20th century. Buying jewelry in this era can be such a challenge.
What is it that the modern lady wants as an adornment? Why a necklace with carefully preserved anatomical sections from a bull's penis and testicles of course!

If bull gonads aren't your thing, you can also get pieces of horses and ducks, too.

Of course, some woman prefer bracelets or earrings when displaying dead animals in plastic. Fortunately, you can look here for other tasteful options. Just click on the subcategories.

Stop the presses! Shocking medical research!

Getting hit in the head likely isn't good for you.

Getting in the head repeatedly is probably even worse.

And getting hit hard enough to make you lose consciousness is assumed to be really bad.

Of course, as always, somebody felt the need to prove this. So they studied boxers and found that (GASP!) getting hit in the head repeatedly is bad for you!

Here's the article.

Thank you, Cherie.

Dear Health Monitor magazine,

Thank you for the letter that came this week asking me to remove your pulp rag magazine from my lobby.

(click to enlarge)




A couple points I'd like to make:

1. Your magazine came in freakin' MAY! There's no way my awesome office staff would have left it out there until December to read, anyway.

2. In fact, there's no way it would have made it to the lobby at all. It went into recycling shortly after it arrived. My patients prefer reading "People", "Sports Illustrated", and "Better Homes and Trailers".

3. I'm kind of sorry now that I did toss them, as I'd like to know what sort of "advertiser error" would lead you to recall it 6 months after the fact. Please feel free to comment if it's something juicy.

4. (MOST IMPORTANT). There is a DAMN good reason your magazine should have been recalled (or never published in the first place). The issue in question is the one I already featured on this blog because of the wild-eyed, Haldol-deprived, migraine patient you had on the cover!!!

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Biting my tongue

Mr. Bright: "I had a brain MRI."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have the report?"

Mr. Bright: "No. That's personal information. Why would you need that?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm the brain doctor."

Mr. Bright: "You are? Oh, I thought you were a neurologist."

Dr. Grumpy: "I am. Brains are what a neurologist does."

Mr. Bright: "Oh. Well, my regular doctor said it showed nothing."

My inner voice: "I'm sure it did."

More fine gifts

I use pens in my office, but at home I use pencils for most things (some of you may remember my tribute to an old friend).

I still haven't found a good pencil sharpener, either (the new X-Acto one we got is a POS).

So I was glad to learn of Mr. David Rees. This former political cartoonist quit his job to pursue a lifelong dream of being a professional pencil sharpener. I am not joking.

Now, I can't afford $17 for a hand sharpened pencil, but I have to respect someone for finding a career that hadn't existed before him.

Here's his site. Check it out. Even if you don't buy a pencil, it's worth the entertainment.

(Disclaimer- I don't know Mr. Rees at all, nor was I paid to put this up. But I do like his idea.)

Using the Jedi Mind Trick

Dr. Grumpy: "When did your headaches start?"

Daughter: "6 months after the car accident."

Mrs. Mother: "NO! You mean they started immediately after the car accident!"

Daughter: "I mean they started immediately after the car accident."

Whatever

Mr. Mesial: "I had another seizure on Sunday morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "What happened?"

Mr. Mesial: "One of my buddies had a bachelor party on Saturday, and I stayed up late and forgot to take my medication."

Dr. Grumpy: "It sounds like that's the cause."

Mr. Mesial: "Um, actually no. I think it's punishment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Punishment?"

Mr. Mesial: "Well, when I was in church later on I realized it was because I had impure thoughts about the stripper we'd hired."

Near death experience

"I was dying... And then, suddenly, Elvis was standing over me! And then he ran away! And then he got married!"

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Jokes aside, this guy did good.

Thank you, Lauren!

More gift ideas

Toilets. We all use them at least a few times a day.

So why not make it more and start drinking out of one?




Yes, now you too can have the same drinking privileges your dog does!

If you enjoy coffee, experiment with adding different amounts of cream, and guess what GI disturbance they could be.

Yes, I'm a geek

Dear Starbucks,

Due to the cold spell, I stopped off for some hot caffeine this morning, and noticed you were selling a polar bear cookie.





Technically, I think they're polar bear pi. But that's just me.

The price of $1.25 seemed like a good deal. I figured they'd be $3.14.

Yours truly,

Dr. Grumpy

Attention patients!

I'm sorry you were 30 minutes late for your appointment yesterday, and Mary had to reschedule you.

I try to run on time as best I can. I understand that traffic/weather/building collapses are not under your control, but I can't set my entire day back to accommodate you, either.

So I appreciate you being willing to reschedule to next week.

And I understand you having to stop in the lobby bathroom after your prolonged stop behind a broken truck/burning bus/crashed blimp.

BUT

When you come out of the john, and notice Mary is busy with a drug rep, YOU SHOULD not sneak back to my exam room in hopes of being seen. I'm not that ignorant of my schedule. When Mrs. Jones and I walked from my office over to my exam room, and found you sitting in there claiming that Mary had told you to go back and wait for me, you looked pretty damn stupid.

Especially since you thought that I'd somehow be less likely to toss you out if you put on a paper gown.

Take your clothes out to the lobby bathroom, get dressed, and I'll see you next week.