Nutritional supplements

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you on any medications?"

Mr. Farmdee: "No. I only take supplements that I get from my other doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "What supplements?"

Mr. Farmdee: "Um... I think they're called Coumadin, Cardizem, and Zoloft."

Monday morning incontinence

Over the weekend they were doing a CPR class in my office building. I saw them bringing the resuscitation dummies in on Friday afternoon.





This morning I got to the building, parked, and sleepily walked to the elevator.

The door opened, revealing a head and torso - separated from each other - lying in it.

After my pulse returned to normal, I called the hospital to let them know they'd left one of the dummies in the building, and where to find it.

Sunday reruns

I'm busy with all kinds of junk today, so thought I'd re-post this one. It was from the days when I was my only reader.


First, let me say that I'm an experienced hiker. When I was in residency I'd hike all over, regardless of time of year. I've hiked pretty much all terrain short of tundra. I've hiked to mountaintops in temperatures of 110 degress. I'm well aware of what precautions have to be taken, supplies carried, amount of water, and other emergency precautions.

So I recently took Craig on a Boy Scout hike. I'm not a member of the den or any of that stuff. I'm just a parent who went on the hike with my kid. They told us to bring water, so I grabbed 2 of my old hiking bottles and we each took one, and some other junk, and took off.

The hike in total was a 2 mile round trip in a well maintained, ranger-patrolled, trail area.

We got to the meeting place, and I was AMAZED at what people were carrying for this pissy little hike on a surprisingly nice day. Water by the truckload. Cases of granola. Two people had backpacks with tents in them (no, rain was NOT forecast, or even suspected). Another guy was carrying a little coleman stove with a gas container (but no food to cook on it). There was a lady dragging a cooler with wheels on it, loaded with water (even though everyone had their own water bottle). Another bozo was even packing a BB gun, assumedly in case we ran into some dangerous, aggressive fauna, like a rabbit.

The leader was a guy in his late 50's with a beer belly, wearing a boy scout uniform. I have to say that nothing could possibly look more dorky on an adult male (not to mention a paunchy one). They say women love a man in uniform, but I don't think that's the uniform they mean.

So the leader introduces himself, and says he'll take the front of the line, and his grandson, who had been an Eagle scout, will be the back of the line. At that point he gestured to his grandson, who was a sullen, glaring, teenager with multiple piercings, a few tatoos, and a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. He was mumbling into a cell phone and exuded a sense that he would rather be having his nuts chopped off than following his dorky looking grandfather around on a hike.

And off we went. 40 people and enough supplies to survive a nuclear war, for a 2 mile hike (NOT a "3 hour tour"). It was scenic and fun, and took about an hour. The only unexpected happening was when we wandered out of the grandson's cell phone range and he began screaming bloody murder. The lady with the cooler offered him a bottle of water to cheer him up.

I was walking ahead of 2 dentists, who spent the time discussing different drilling techniques, the most pus they've ever seen in a dental abscess, and other interesting topics.

And so, at the end of this, we had to fill out a form for my son to get his hiking badge. As I've learned in the last year, the Boy Scouts award badges for the most mediocre of accomplishments, such as a 2 mile hike, attending a rodeo, or breathing. I think the badges would be more meaningful if they were for more challenging things, such as swimming the Amazon, kayaking over waterfalls, and hand-to-hand grizzly combat.

Instructions

Dear Mrs. Tremor,

I apologize for the misunderstanding concerning your medication.

When I wrote: "Take 1 each morning after you wake up", I meant to take it when you wake up, first thing in the morning, and are getting up for the day.

I DID NOT mean for you to take it when you get up to pee at 3:00 a.m., and are going back to bed. Or when you nod off after breakfast for 5 minutes, then wake up again. Or if you lie down for a nap after lunch and then wake up at 2:00 p.m. (which isn't in the morning anyway).

Thank you.

Urgent matters

Dr. Grumpy: "I'd like to start you on this medication because..."

I looked up. Mary is in the doorway. She never interrupts me when I'm with a patient unless it's urgent.

Mary: "Dr. Unka, from down the hall, is on the phone. Says he needs to talk to you right now."

Dr. Grumpy: "Thanks, Mary. Sorry, ma'am, let me just take this call." (picks up phone) "Hello?"

Dr. Unka: "Ibee, I've been meaning to tell you that your office door slams too loudly."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I..."

Dr. Unka: "It's really distracting. Can you please call the building people to do something about it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Sure..."

Dr. Unka: "Thank you." (hangs up).

Can't argue with that

Last night I was reading EEGs at the hospital. They always have a patient form attached, to give you some background on why they're having the test.

So last night I found this.

(click to enlarge)

Trust me. I'm a doctor.

Just read this. Keep reading. It's worth it.

Thank you, Kim!

Specifics

Mrs. Senior: "I can remember exactly when my migraines started."

Dr. Grumpy: "And when was that?"

Mrs. Senior: "I guess when I was younger."

Why my staff hates me

Annie: "Sandy Hormone just called. She said you found a tiny aneurysm on her MRA?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, it's too small to do anything about, so I'm just going to repeat the study in 6 months to see if it's changed."

Annie: "She wants to know if it's okay for her to have sex with the aneurysm?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Only if it pays for dinner."

My current patient and her husband...

Have just started arguing over which of them sneezes more loudly.

Where do I find these people?

CanUSA, land of idiot crooks

Yes, once again proving that stupidity and crime don't mix, we have this bozo from Ottawa.

While robbing a convenience store at knifepoint, he tripped and fell ON HIS OWN KNIFE, and is currently in critical condition.

Here's the story.

Thank you, Alison!

Mary's Desk, November 16, 2010

(guy walks in, stands at counter)

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Gregorian: "I have an appointment today with Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Sure... Wait. Sir, your appointment was last Monday. You missed it."

Mr. Gregorian: "No, it would be this Monday, because we went on daylight savings time this month."

Anatomy 101

Maybe I'm just a dumb old neurologist, and I sure don't know much about candy, but this here picture ain't lookin' right to me.





From Fail Blog.

Dear Dr. Imed,

Thank you for your referral of Mrs. Panik,

I'm writing and faxing you this expedited letter, and also left a message with your secretary, as I want to explain what happened yesterday. I'm sure you'll be hearing Mrs. Panik's side of the story soon enough.

My secretary, Mary, has a daughter who is a few years younger then mine. As a result, we give Mary our hand-me-downs when our kids outgrow them. This has been a satisfactory arrangement on all sides for several years (my kids get their hand-me-downs from my sister's kids).

So yesterday I brought in some things for Mary, but due to a busy day forgot to give them to her.

During my appointment with Mrs. Panik I went to get a blood pressure cuff. In doing so I accidentally knocked over the bag of clothes, spilling little girl Disney Princess undies all over the floor.

As I picked them up, Mrs. Panik suddenly stood up and accused me of being a pedophile. She wouldn't listen to my explanation, and said she didn't want to continue the appointment.

So far we haven't received any calls from the local police, but I wanted to alert you of this misunderstanding in case Mrs. Panik calls you.

Yours truly,

Ibee "Not a pedophile, I swear" Grumpy, M.D.