Foot, meet mouth

Mrs. Sadd: "I'm sorry I'm late, my husband and I just got back from Hawaii last night."

Dr. Grumpy: "Awesome! That's a fun trip! What did you guys do while you were there?"

Mrs. Sadd: "We went to my father's funeral."

Think green

I was out of syringes and needles, so I ordered some.

They came in cardboard boxes that said "Made from recycled materials."

I really hope they mean the boxes...

Wow! What a great policy!

I noticed this authorization in a patient's chart yesterday. Isn't it awesome?

The patient is only 44, and yet his insurance has been covering him for over 110 years, just waiting for his visit with me earlier this year.


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Monday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, let me get an MRI form... Are you claustrophobic?"

Mr. Bakpayn: "I don't think so. Can I take a blood test to find out?"

Mary's Desk, March 22, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss GPS: "Yeah, where are you? I'm here for my appointment, in building 1."

Mary: "We're in suite 605."

Miss GPS: "Okay, I'll be right up" (click).


1 minute later


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss GPS: "Yeah, your door is locked, and there's no sign on it?"

Mary: "Are you at suite 605? The door is open."

Miss GPS: "Crap, I'm at 505, sorry, hang on" (click).


1 minute later


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss GPS: "There is no 605 in building 1!"

Mary: "Ma'am I promise you there is."

Miss GPS: "There's only a plastic surgeon and a huge cardiology office up here".

Mary: "You must be in building 4."

Miss GPS: "I AM? How do you know? Are you tracking me on Google or something?"

Mary: "That's where the cardiology practice is. We're in building 1."

Miss: GPS: "When did you move there?".

Mary: "We've been here since 1998."

Miss: GPS: "That can't be! Downstairs it says this building was built in 2005".

Mary: "You're in building 4! It was! We are in 1! Look, you need to get here soon, or the doctor won't have time to see you!"

Miss: GPS: "I'm coming! What building did you say you're in?".

Mary: "Building 1. Go out the front entrance of building 4, turn left and go..."

Miss: GPS: "You don't need to lecture me! I have my own GPS unit, so I won't get lost!"

(click).

Sunday night, 7:45 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Phone: "Yeah, I see you for epilepsy, and I take Tegretol. Anyway, I'm in Outofstate City, and I left all my pills back in Grumpytown."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, how long has it been since your last dose?"

Mr. Phone: "Um... I've been here since last Sunday, so I guess it's been a week."

Dr. Grumpy: "A WEEK?!!! Have you had any seizures?"

Mr. Phone: "No."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, is there a pharmacy I can call some Tegretol into for you?"

Mr. Phone: "No, I don't know any here. I'm at the airport, at the gate, so I really can't leave, either."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where are you heading now?"

Mr. Phone: "I'm flying back to Grumpytown tonight. My flight leaves in about 40 minutes."

(long pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Let me get this straight. You've been without Tegretol for a week. In Outofstate City. And you didn't call me until now, 3 hours before you get back to your home pill supply. And you did this knowing that there is really no way for me to easily call in a refill for you."

Mr. Phone: "Er, yeah, that's about it. There was a magazine lying here, and to kill time I began reading it, and there was an article about how important it was to take your medications as prescribed."

This is Mrs. Grumpy

Due to my husband pretending to be sick, so I had to cancel the babysitter tonight, posting has been temporarily suspended.

He is pretending to be barfing, pretending to be achy, and pretending to have a fever (I think he had the thermometer in Snowball's ass before putting it in his own mouth to fake that one).

Okay, so he's not really faking (it sure sounded better, though). But anyway, I'm not allowing him anywhere near the computer until he's unlikely to puke on it.

I need him healthy and back to work so he can continue to support my lavish school-nurse lifestyle. And because Mary pulls her hair out if she has to reschedule a whole day of patients. And we don't want her to be bald.

Don't call us, we'll call you

She showed up 30 minutes late for her 10:00 appointment.

Normally I wouldn't have seen her, but since the 10:30 had canceled at the last minute, I did.

She apologized for being late, because her pain medications made her so confused she got lost finding my office.

She spent most of the visit telling me how her chronic pain kept making her late for work, on the days when she was able to go to work at all.

She talked about how she didn't think she'd be able to work much longer, and was looking into applying for disability.

And when I asked her if she had any further questions, she whipped out a copy of her resume and asked me if I was interested in replacing any of my current staff.

Dear Drug Company,

Thank you for running an ad campaign that helps dispel the myth that neurologists are eccentric and have no sense of modern fashion. We REALLY appreciate it.

Lying kid? Thermodynamic fail? All of the above?

Dinner is cooking. It will be ready in 20 minutes.

I walk into the kitchen, and startle Craig. He's standing at the toaster, and I've caught him putting Pop-Tarts in it.

"Craig! What are you doing?!!!"

"I'm, uh, making Pop-Tarts."

"I can see that. Dinner is in 20 minutes. Why are you making a snack?"

"Because..."

"Craig, you know better then to have a snack this close to dinner."

"I'm not! It's, um, for my breakfast tomorrow. I'm toasting them now, so they'll be warm when I get out of bed in the morning."

What the hell?

Dr. Grumpy: "So we'll see how the medication change works. Any other questions?"

Mr. Baker: "Have you tried the Local Grocery cinnamon coffeecake?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I, uh..."

Mr. Baker: "They're HUGE! How do you think they can afford to sell them for only $3.99?"

Dear Fleet Enema Company,

Thank you for your recent press release about a new product. Marketing people are truly an amazing group.

I have absolutely no idea how humanity managed to survive so far without it, but now that it's here, the planet can keep rotating safely. We can all be secure in the knowledge that there's finally an enema available for "elective cleansing", "before or after anal intimacy."

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Thank you to my reader Amy for submitting this.

Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy.

Attention Miss Hogtie, the 3rd grade teacher:

I don't mind treating grown-ups for minor injuries, either.

But when you come to me looking for something you can put on rope burns, that are ONLY around your wrists and ankles, AND which we all know occurred during your recent trip to Vegas with your boyfriend, DON'T try to make up some crap about how you had an accident weeding your backyard. We both know what you REALLY did.

Just take the aloe lotion, and spare me the details.

March Madness starts tomorrow! Lets get snipped!

I'd like to thank my reader Joey for submitting this ad. For my non-American readers, March Madness is the college basketball championship tournament. It's played out over 3 long weekends, and the first weekend, in particular, is non-stop games on TV from Thursday morning to Sunday night.

(clip, I mean click, to enlarge)