Skool Nerse Time

This is Mrs. Grumpy. He didn't want to hear me bitch about my day at the school, and told me to tell you guys. So here.

School nursing brings you an amazing collection of hypochondriacs, and it gets worse with winter break coming and they get restless. So today, besides the usual collection of snotty noses, stomach aches, and "I can't do PE because..." I had this.

Kid #1: "Somethings wrong with my eyes. I can't read the board today."

Me: "Don't you wear glasses?"

Kid#1: "Yeah, but I left them at home."


AND


Kid #2: "I've had this bump on my little finger since I was five, and it looks the same."

Me: "You're ten now. So why are you here?"

Kid#2: "I wanna know what it is."


I also want to thank the 2 teachers (neither of whom was a sub) who sent these kids to my office during regular class time for these complaints.

Whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you have any other medical issues?"

Mrs Barph: "I vomit every afternoon at 3:05 p.m. This started in 1987 and I haven't missed a day since."

I Bet the Cops Love You

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, why did you call 911?"

Mr. Bozo: "I forgot my doctor's phone number, and thought maybe they would know it, and could call him for me to make an appointment. I need to see him."

More Fun Junkie Quotes

These guys just make a weekend on call so entertaining.


"I've been using crack since I was 18, and I'm 27 now. I mean, that's almost 7 years I've been doing this stuff. I've spent 2 years in jail for it. I've been in and out of every rehab program in town. I've never had a real job, and still live with my parents. It's time for me to turn my life around, and I'm going to start by being honest and telling my parents about my habit. I've been able to hide it from them, but It's time they know I've got a problem."


Dude, if your parents haven't figured that out yet, they're probably on it, too. Also, your math sucks.

Lifestyle Changes

Yesterday I admitted a lady in her 50's who had a stroke. So I'm rounding on her this morning.

Mrs. LDL: "Doctor, I'm changing my whole life right now! I'm going to start being healthy. For many years I've always had a cheese omelet for breakfast. So, today, when they took patient breakfast orders, I realized I had to start doing things differently."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good for you! What did you order?"

Mrs. LDL: "A vegetable omelet, with cheese."

Tis The Catalog Season

With the pentuplet of seasonal holidays approaching (Hanukkah, Festivus, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and Solstice), my home mailbox is full of catalogs selling all kinds of things that these people apparently feel my family and friends can't live without.

Since so many of my patients call my office asking if we have any gift ideas (NO! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FREAKING IDEA WHY THEY CALL ME!!!) I figure many of you are dying to do the same (Dr. Grumpy merchandise is always nice).

So I've personally combed through these many catalogs to help you, my loyal readers, find some of the most useful gifts out there, and will present them over the next few weeks.

Today I'm going to kick off the list with this tasteful item:



Yes, it's a shower soap dispenser (comes with green gel soap! Wow!) that dispenses soap out of it's nostrils. I suppose next year they'll have one that makes a sneezing noise when you squeeze it.

I'd order one for that special coworker who continuously complains about allergies and leaves wadded-up Kleenex all over the office.

Public Service Announcement

Attention ladies:

It is NOT, generally speaking, normal for you to be woken at night by your guy shaking the bed violently, turning blue, and peeing on the sheets. If he does this, and hasn't done it before, he needs medical attention.

You also should not allow this to go on for several nights in a row, and then call his mother to see if she can help you wash all the bedsheets, and (when she asks you why), let her be the one to make the CORRECT decision that he should go to ER.

It is also not cool that you sent him in by himself, so you could stay home and catch up on washing sheets. Your description of the events is usually helpful to those of us in the "med-biz".

Thank you.

Live! From ER! It's Dr. Grumpy!

I'm on call.

While rounding, I was paged overhead to come down to ER for a stroke that had just arrived. Guy who can't move his right side.

So I'm sitting here in ER, watching him from the nurses' station, waiting for my turn to go in. Nurses are hooking him up to stuff, techs in there drawing blood, an EMT going over info with another nurse.

In the middle of this all the patient is lying there, calmly texting with his left hand.

Starting and Ending With a Survey

Well, just as my day began with a strange marketing survey question, apparently it's going to end that way. I'm doing one tonight over the internet, and this question came up:

"When managing a male or female MS patient who wishes to become pregnant, what action do you typically take with their current MS medication?"

You Must Live REALLY Far Away

"I only get migraines when there's a full moon. In my neighborhood I think that's around once a week we have one."

Okay, Let Me Get A Blindfold

I did an online marketing study this morning, in which I was looking at various ad concepts to see which parts of the ads interest, and don't interest, doctors.

So at one point I came to these instructions:

"On the following screen, we'd like to know which parts of the picture did not get your attention. Please click only on those parts of the image that you don't look at."

Homecoming

I pull into the driveway, and walk down to the mail box to get the bills & junk. The neighbor family is out putting up some Christmas lights. Mr. Neighbor comes over to chat for a minute.

Suddenly, my front door flies open. Frank comes out, screaming at the top of his lungs.

Frank: "DAAAAD!!! THE FRONT HALL TOILET BACKED UP ON ME 'CAUSE I USED TOO MUCH PAPER AND NOW THERE'S POOP ON THE FLOOR AND SOME STILL IN THE TOILET AND PAPER EVERYWHERE AND IT SMELLS BAD AND THE TOILET KEEPS RUNNING AND..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Frank, calm down. Why didn't you tell Mom as soon as this happened?"

Frank: "I did. She told me to wait and tell you as soon as you got home."


Mr. Neighbor doubled over laughing. Perhaps for the first time he was glad to have teenagers.

Just Say No

Things are tough all over. Occasionally I get patients asking me if I'll forgive their appointment co-pay. Usually I can't, because most insurance contracts forbid it, and because I'm trying to stay afloat, too.

So today I had a lady tell me she can't afford her $25 visit co-pay, and could I PLEASE write it off? She used the "I need the money more than you do" line.

I know she has legitimate financial hardships, but I refused.

Why?

Do I need the $25 that badly?

I did it because she smokes 2 packs a day. And ADAMANTLY refuses to quit.

Let's look at this:

The average price of a pack of cigarettes in the U.S. right now is $5. This varies by brand & your state taxes, and whether you buy them by the pack or case. But roughly $5 a pack.

So for her, that's $10/day. Or $300/month. Or $3600/year.

I told her that. If she quits smoking, that would be like her getting a $3600 annual raise, without any additional taxes. Ignore the health benefits, just look at the money alone.

All that money for making one life change. That would help her financial situation A LOT. It's a hell of a lot more money than making a $25 co-pay once or twice a year.

She got pissed off and left. Told me that I "don't understand".

She's right. I don't.

For an excellent post on drug co-pays from the pharmacy view, check out this one from The Angry Pharmacist.

Now THAT'S Exciting!!!

From a fax on my machine this morning:


"Our company is looking for males over age 25 who do their own shopping. We're doing a very exciting market research study on the following topic:

PACKAGED SALAD

We think you'll find the discussion to be exciting and enjoyable, and will reimburse you for your time. Please contact us today, as spots will go fast!"