Survey Fun

I'm doing an early morning market research phone survey about a new drug in development. The guy just asked me this question:

"Do you prefer prescribing drugs that are more effective? Or less effective?"

You Don't Say!

Okay, Grumpyites.

Our Science Marches on Department has brought this earth-shattering research to my attention.

In today's edition of ScienceDaily.com a study was published which found that...

(drumroll please)

PEOPLE WHO DRINK COFFEE (or use caffeine in general) BEFORE THEY TRY TO SLEEP HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING!!!

This is not a joke. They kept a bunch of people up all night. 3 hours before they were allowed to sleep half of them took a 200mg caffeine pill (equivalent to 2 cups of coffee or 5 Diet Cokes) and the other half didn't get caffeine.

They found (sarcastic astonishment) that the patients who got the caffeine had more trouble sleeping than the ones who didn't! No shit!

I am not making this up. Here's the link.

Does Anyone Read My Notes?

Dear Dr. Bozo,

I'm not sure if you're lazy, or stupid, or too busy, or all of the above.

I appreciate you sending Mrs. Oldlady to me. Her symptoms certainly were concerning for a TIA, so I ordered a work-up.

Her MRI yesterday showed a small right brain stroke, while the MRA showed a critically narrowed right carotid artery.

I saw her urgently this morning, and set up plans to change her medications and to see a vascular surgeon. After she left I quickly typed up a letter to you summarizing my plan. Since I believe in good communication, I faxed over all the MRI/MRA reports with my letter.

I therefore found it comical that about an hour after I faxed it over, your office immediately faxed the MRI report AND MY OWN NOTES back to me, with your handwriting on the report saying "HAS HAD STROKE! GET HER INTO A NEUROLOGIST ASAP!"

My Readers Write

Given that my name is Ibee Grumpy, you'd think I'd be the last person to laugh at someone else's name.

But, since my alert reader Stephanie brought this to my attention, I thought I should share it with all of you (I should be above such juvenile humor, but I'm not). I suspect this group is known in local circles, but...

Anyway, this is a Urology group in Texas, whose members include Dr. Wang, Dr. Hardemann, and (of course) Dr. Dick Chopp.



Sorry, Drs. Wang, Hardemann, and Chopp, but I'm sure you guys hear the jokes all the time. Plus, there's no such thing as bad publicity!

For those of you who don't believe me, here's their website.

And a great big Dr. Grumpy thank you to Stephanie!

No, You Can Do That Yourself

I'm examining a guy this morning who's chewing a toothpick, repeatedly doing the thing where he turns it around in his mouth, then gnawing on it some more.

I asked him to open his mouth and stick out his tongue.

So he takes the spit-covered, chewed-up, soggy toothpick out of his mouth, holds it out, and says "Can you hold this for me?"

Product Testimonial

I saw a 62 year old guy this afternoon with diabetic nerve pain, which is controlled on the medication Neurontin.

Dr. Grumpy: "Fred, the last time you were here, in June, your wife was complaining that the Neurontin made you irritable. How has that been going?"

Fred: "It's fine now. I left her."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, you what?"

Fred: "Well, she told me it was either her or the Neurontin, and I decided I liked Neurontin better."

Mrs. Grumpy Writes

Mrs. Grumpy just sent me the following email:

"I took the kids for their flu shots (regular and H1N1) this morning, before school.

"Frank always goes nuts when he gets a shot. I tried to bribe them by offering ice cream if they behaved. We walked in and Frank started wailing and yelling uncontrollably. He got louder when the nurse told us that he would have to have 2 shots because of his asthma.

"Craig and Marie were able to get 1 nasal mist and 1 shot. After they found out that they were going to have to get a shot (although we've been telling them for the last week!) they started crying. Frank was already nuts so I just had him go first. He was crying and yelling, but took the shots.

"Craig grabbed his chair and refused to let go. A nurse and I had to pry him off it. We almost broke his fingers. He screamed and cried through his shot.

"Then Marie started screeching and screaming and yelling during her shot. A doctor and another nurse from the office came running into the room to find out what was happening. They wouldn't leave even after we assured then that everything was okay. I kept expecting the police, fire department, and CPS to come rushing in.

"When we were done I said to the kids, "What do you say"? Frank and Marie said, "Thank you". Craig yelled, "Thank you for trying to kill me!"

"They stopped crying as soon as they got a sucker. When they got to the car, they all told me that it didn't hurt.

"I think we owe that office a lunch."

Brevity is the Soul of Wit

I'm reading some notes on a new patient who's coming in later today. This was from her previous neurologist:

"Impression: Headaches.

Plan: Appropriate treatment.

Thank you for this consult."

Halloween Nightmares

Daddy, my stomach hurts from all the candy. Bleeaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!





Last night, while walking my kids around trick-or-treating, I noticed a new degree of laziness. I suppose nothing should surprise anymore, yet it still does.

Parents driving their kids between houses.

For the record, we were in a decent, safe, low-crime, area. Front doors were roughly 50-100 feet from each other. The streets and sidewalks are in good condition and well-lighted, and the weather was nice.

Although most people and their kids were doing this the old-fashioned way, by walking, I saw several cases where a humungous SUV would pull up in front of a house and disgorge 5-7 kids. The kids would run up to the house, get candy, pile back into the family truckster, which would then drive 50 feet down to the next house and the process would repeat itself. While the kids were out, the parents would sit there revving the engine.

I saw several cars doing this, none of them with handicapped plates and way too many to be explained by a parent or child who was unable to walk. In addition to SUV's I also saw this being done with a few golf carts.

Let's look at this: Childhood obesity and diabetes are approaching insane levels. I have nothing against pigging out on candy here or there (especially on Halloween), but couldn't kids use the exercise of walking? Oh, and besides encouraging our kids to be couch potatoes, let's burn some gas, pollute the Autumn air, and contribute to global warming.

At one point An SUV went by, towing a flatbed trailer with a bunch of unfastened plastic yard chairs on it. Each with 2-3 small kids sitting on it. THAT looks safe! And these same people, when their kid ends up in ER with a serious head injury, will blame society for having Halloween in the first place. Dipshits.

But, since this is a humor blog, a horrifyingly humorous ending.

One cul-de-sac had a block party going on in a driveway. In front of it they'd set up a table with a bunch of bowls of candy, the combined neighborhood trick-or-treat buffet. As kids went up there a lady in a witch costume would tell them to take one thing from each bowl.

We'd brought Snowball along, so he was happily padding away next to me. When Mrs. Witch saw him, she began looking around the table, and said "How cute! I love dogs! Hang on, I have some treats for dogs."

Then she called her husband: "Dave, honey, have you seen the bag I had over here?"

Dave came over: "Um, you mean the little yellow bag?"

Mrs. Witch: "Yeah"

Dave: "I gave it to some kid who came by. Why?'

Mrs. Witch looked horrified, and slowly turned back to me "Uh, I guess we don't have any dog treats anymore, sorry."

So, if your kid found a bag of mini-Milk Bones in his candy sack, it was an accident. Mrs. Witch felt sorry.

Happy Halloween!

(When I was 7, I screamed and cried so loudly in the elevator part that they stopped the ride to let me out. And my parents still remind me. Like I could forget.)

When the crypt doors creak,
And the tombstones quake.
Spooks come out for a swinging wake.
Happy haunts materialize
And begin to vocalize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize.

Now don't close your eyes,
And don't try to hide.
Or a silly spook may sit by your side.
Shrouded in a daft disguise,
They pretend to terrorize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize.

As the moon climbs high over dead oak trees,
Spooks arrive for the midnight spree.
Creepy creeps with eerie eyes,
Start to shriek and harmonize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize

When you hear the knell of a requiem bell,
Weird glows gleam where spirits dwell.
Restless bones etherealize,
Rise as spooks of every size.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize.

If you would like to join our jamboree,
There's a simple rule that's compulsory.
Mortals pay a token fee.
Rest in peace, the hauntings free.
So hurry back, we would like your company.

Hurry back...

Hurry back...

Be sure to bring your death certificate...

Got Wild Kids?

"Daddy! Why do we all have to dress up as babies for Halloween?"

"Shut up, Frank, and put on the diaper."

Like, You Know

Okay, Grumpyites, the following quote was uttered to me by a drug rep about 5 minutes ago:

"So, Dr. Grumpy, you know, I came in because I'd like to know, you know, what you, like, know about our new product, and what your patients know about it, and, like, what you think about it, and all that stuff, like that, you know?"

You're Driving Your Pharmacist and I to Drink

Before an appointment ends I always ask patients if they need any refills or scripts written. It saves time later.

So yesterday I asked Mrs. Brainless if she needed any refills on her seizure medication, and she said no.

Last night, around 9:00, a pharmacist called me. Mrs. Brainless was there, needing a refill on her med. The same one I'd offered to refill earlier (for the record, she told the pharmacist it was "my seizure pill, whatever it's called". Fortunately, they know her there and could look it up).

I authorized the refill, then called her cell phone (1-800-BRAINLESS), and asked her why she'd told me she didn't need any refills a few hours earlier.

"I didn't then. I still had one pill left for my night dose. But I took it, and now I'm all out, so I'll need some for tomorrow morning".

Bank Of Idiots, Can I Help You?

Late this afternoon Annie came looking for me. She'd just gotten off the phone with our branch of BigBuck Bank. Britney, an account manager, had called and said she needed to talk to me about the Grumpy Neurology, Inc. account.

Since I'm not one to screw around with the financial health of my business, I called her back between patients.

Britney: "BigBuck Bank, this is Britney."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Ibee Grumpy, returning your call."

Britney: "Oh! Thank you for calling me back so quickly. I was reviewing your account, and found you qualify for a BigBuck Bank corporate Visa card!"

(pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "I already have a BigBuck Bank corporate Visa card."

(longer pause)

Britney: 'You're right! Thank you for calling me back, and have a nice day!"