No, You Can Do That Yourself

I'm examining a guy this morning who's chewing a toothpick, repeatedly doing the thing where he turns it around in his mouth, then gnawing on it some more.

I asked him to open his mouth and stick out his tongue.

So he takes the spit-covered, chewed-up, soggy toothpick out of his mouth, holds it out, and says "Can you hold this for me?"

Product Testimonial

I saw a 62 year old guy this afternoon with diabetic nerve pain, which is controlled on the medication Neurontin.

Dr. Grumpy: "Fred, the last time you were here, in June, your wife was complaining that the Neurontin made you irritable. How has that been going?"

Fred: "It's fine now. I left her."

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, you what?"

Fred: "Well, she told me it was either her or the Neurontin, and I decided I liked Neurontin better."

Mrs. Grumpy Writes

Mrs. Grumpy just sent me the following email:

"I took the kids for their flu shots (regular and H1N1) this morning, before school.

"Frank always goes nuts when he gets a shot. I tried to bribe them by offering ice cream if they behaved. We walked in and Frank started wailing and yelling uncontrollably. He got louder when the nurse told us that he would have to have 2 shots because of his asthma.

"Craig and Marie were able to get 1 nasal mist and 1 shot. After they found out that they were going to have to get a shot (although we've been telling them for the last week!) they started crying. Frank was already nuts so I just had him go first. He was crying and yelling, but took the shots.

"Craig grabbed his chair and refused to let go. A nurse and I had to pry him off it. We almost broke his fingers. He screamed and cried through his shot.

"Then Marie started screeching and screaming and yelling during her shot. A doctor and another nurse from the office came running into the room to find out what was happening. They wouldn't leave even after we assured then that everything was okay. I kept expecting the police, fire department, and CPS to come rushing in.

"When we were done I said to the kids, "What do you say"? Frank and Marie said, "Thank you". Craig yelled, "Thank you for trying to kill me!"

"They stopped crying as soon as they got a sucker. When they got to the car, they all told me that it didn't hurt.

"I think we owe that office a lunch."

Brevity is the Soul of Wit

I'm reading some notes on a new patient who's coming in later today. This was from her previous neurologist:

"Impression: Headaches.

Plan: Appropriate treatment.

Thank you for this consult."

Halloween Nightmares

Daddy, my stomach hurts from all the candy. Bleeaaghhhhhhhh!!!!!





Last night, while walking my kids around trick-or-treating, I noticed a new degree of laziness. I suppose nothing should surprise anymore, yet it still does.

Parents driving their kids between houses.

For the record, we were in a decent, safe, low-crime, area. Front doors were roughly 50-100 feet from each other. The streets and sidewalks are in good condition and well-lighted, and the weather was nice.

Although most people and their kids were doing this the old-fashioned way, by walking, I saw several cases where a humungous SUV would pull up in front of a house and disgorge 5-7 kids. The kids would run up to the house, get candy, pile back into the family truckster, which would then drive 50 feet down to the next house and the process would repeat itself. While the kids were out, the parents would sit there revving the engine.

I saw several cars doing this, none of them with handicapped plates and way too many to be explained by a parent or child who was unable to walk. In addition to SUV's I also saw this being done with a few golf carts.

Let's look at this: Childhood obesity and diabetes are approaching insane levels. I have nothing against pigging out on candy here or there (especially on Halloween), but couldn't kids use the exercise of walking? Oh, and besides encouraging our kids to be couch potatoes, let's burn some gas, pollute the Autumn air, and contribute to global warming.

At one point An SUV went by, towing a flatbed trailer with a bunch of unfastened plastic yard chairs on it. Each with 2-3 small kids sitting on it. THAT looks safe! And these same people, when their kid ends up in ER with a serious head injury, will blame society for having Halloween in the first place. Dipshits.

But, since this is a humor blog, a horrifyingly humorous ending.

One cul-de-sac had a block party going on in a driveway. In front of it they'd set up a table with a bunch of bowls of candy, the combined neighborhood trick-or-treat buffet. As kids went up there a lady in a witch costume would tell them to take one thing from each bowl.

We'd brought Snowball along, so he was happily padding away next to me. When Mrs. Witch saw him, she began looking around the table, and said "How cute! I love dogs! Hang on, I have some treats for dogs."

Then she called her husband: "Dave, honey, have you seen the bag I had over here?"

Dave came over: "Um, you mean the little yellow bag?"

Mrs. Witch: "Yeah"

Dave: "I gave it to some kid who came by. Why?'

Mrs. Witch looked horrified, and slowly turned back to me "Uh, I guess we don't have any dog treats anymore, sorry."

So, if your kid found a bag of mini-Milk Bones in his candy sack, it was an accident. Mrs. Witch felt sorry.

Happy Halloween!

(When I was 7, I screamed and cried so loudly in the elevator part that they stopped the ride to let me out. And my parents still remind me. Like I could forget.)

When the crypt doors creak,
And the tombstones quake.
Spooks come out for a swinging wake.
Happy haunts materialize
And begin to vocalize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize.

Now don't close your eyes,
And don't try to hide.
Or a silly spook may sit by your side.
Shrouded in a daft disguise,
They pretend to terrorize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize.

As the moon climbs high over dead oak trees,
Spooks arrive for the midnight spree.
Creepy creeps with eerie eyes,
Start to shriek and harmonize.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize

When you hear the knell of a requiem bell,
Weird glows gleam where spirits dwell.
Restless bones etherealize,
Rise as spooks of every size.
Grim grinning ghosts come out to socialize.

If you would like to join our jamboree,
There's a simple rule that's compulsory.
Mortals pay a token fee.
Rest in peace, the hauntings free.
So hurry back, we would like your company.

Hurry back...

Hurry back...

Be sure to bring your death certificate...

Got Wild Kids?

"Daddy! Why do we all have to dress up as babies for Halloween?"

"Shut up, Frank, and put on the diaper."

Like, You Know

Okay, Grumpyites, the following quote was uttered to me by a drug rep about 5 minutes ago:

"So, Dr. Grumpy, you know, I came in because I'd like to know, you know, what you, like, know about our new product, and what your patients know about it, and, like, what you think about it, and all that stuff, like that, you know?"

You're Driving Your Pharmacist and I to Drink

Before an appointment ends I always ask patients if they need any refills or scripts written. It saves time later.

So yesterday I asked Mrs. Brainless if she needed any refills on her seizure medication, and she said no.

Last night, around 9:00, a pharmacist called me. Mrs. Brainless was there, needing a refill on her med. The same one I'd offered to refill earlier (for the record, she told the pharmacist it was "my seizure pill, whatever it's called". Fortunately, they know her there and could look it up).

I authorized the refill, then called her cell phone (1-800-BRAINLESS), and asked her why she'd told me she didn't need any refills a few hours earlier.

"I didn't then. I still had one pill left for my night dose. But I took it, and now I'm all out, so I'll need some for tomorrow morning".

Bank Of Idiots, Can I Help You?

Late this afternoon Annie came looking for me. She'd just gotten off the phone with our branch of BigBuck Bank. Britney, an account manager, had called and said she needed to talk to me about the Grumpy Neurology, Inc. account.

Since I'm not one to screw around with the financial health of my business, I called her back between patients.

Britney: "BigBuck Bank, this is Britney."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Ibee Grumpy, returning your call."

Britney: "Oh! Thank you for calling me back so quickly. I was reviewing your account, and found you qualify for a BigBuck Bank corporate Visa card!"

(pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "I already have a BigBuck Bank corporate Visa card."

(longer pause)

Britney: 'You're right! Thank you for calling me back, and have a nice day!"

Guy Anatomy Issues

Mr. XY: "I have prostate cancer."

Dr. Grumpy: "Is it being treated?"

Mr. XY: "Yeah, they said it had spread to my uterus or something."

H1N1

Dr. Grumpy has now had his H1N1 vaccine. And I have to say that I'd have preferred a shot to the H1N1 vaccine I got, which involved having a few drops of liquid sprayed up each nostril.

It tickled like hell, and made me sneeze constantly for the next 5 minutes. I'm pretty sure that anyone who'd like to be vaccinated could get treated by licking my desk, phone, pens, and anything else that was in front of me during my sneezing fit.

Nevertheless, I'm glad I got it.

Sometimes Breast Isn't the Best

Yesterday afternoon I was seeing a lady who'd recently had a baby. She came in to talk about resuming her migraine medications after pregnancy.


Mrs. Nursing: "I couldn't wait for this appointment, so I restarted Topamax after I got home from the hospital."

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you breastfeeding?"

Mrs. Nursing: "Of course! You know what they say, 'breast is the best'."

Dr. Grumpy: "You shouldn't be taking Topamax while you're breastfeeding."

Mrs. Nursing "Oh, I don't. I wait till the baby is done".

Reality Check

"I don't want to pay for insurance for illegal aliens."

"I'm not going to pay for someone else's insurance."

"I have good insurance! Why should I pay for somebody else's medical care?"


I hear crap like this everyday. Somehow people really believe this, too.

GET REAL PEOPLE! YOU PAY FOR IT NOW! AND GUESS WHAT? THERE IS NO MODEL OF HEALTH CARE WHERE YOU WON'T!!!

Let's look at this: Mr. Poorsap has no insurance. Maybe he's unemployed. Or an illegal immigrant. Or he's working his ass off, but his job doesn't give him benefits.

Mr. Poorsap has a heart attack. Or gets cancer. Or falls down a manhole. Whatever. He goes to Local ER, and needs to be admitted. Legally, Local Hospital can't turn him away.

He's sick as shit. He needs surgery, maybe more than one. A lot of medications. He has a lot of tests. And a few complications. He's in the hospital for a month before he's finally able to go home.

His bill is $1 million dollars (hypothetical number). There's no way in hell he'll ever be able to pay a significant portion of that.

Local Hospital has to pay the nurses who took care of him, and the companies who sold them medical supplies and drugs to take care of him. They really can't afford to write off that $1 million. So they raise the rates on EVERYONE who comes to the hospital, to help offset the costs of the uninsured.

So they send all these bills to Giant Insurance, Inc., who pays them. Of course, Giant Insurance, Inc. has staff and rent and office supplies to pay for. They need to make-up the money to offset their losses on what the hospital charged them to make up their uninsured patient losses. And so Giant Insurance, Inc. passes the increased costs on to YOU, by raising your premiums.

And multiply this by tens of thousands uninsured Mr. Poorsaps every day, across the country.

Look at this like shoplifting, people: I don't shoplift (well at least not non-Diet Coke items), and I hope you don't shoplift. But somebody does. So if over the course of a year Local Grocery loses $100,000 to shoplifting, they need to make up that loss by increasing their prices. And we ALL pay those when we go grocery shopping.

So regardless of whether you oppose or support the current plans, or voted red or blue, the bottom line is that YOU ALREADY DO, AND ALWAYS WILL, pay for someone else's insurance. The only people who don't are the ones who have no coverage in the first place. Any politician on either side who tells you otherwise is full of shit.

This is a standard model of business (and health care is a business), and has been since the first business opened its doors a long time ago. You have to make up your losses somewhere.