Marketing Errors

Avinza is a once-daily form of Morphine. A few years ago they ran this ad, to show a typical patient who may need once-daily narcotics.

I hope she's supposed to be a waitress. Because I'd hate to think they're encouraging a typical patient on sedating and addictive pain medication to start downing daiquiris, and a whole tray of them at that.

They pulled this ad rather quickly. I can't imagine why.

(Click to enlarge)

Unforgettable Weddings

I have a lady with Trigeminal Neuralgia. This causes episodes of sudden, severe, facial pain, which can be quite disabling when they occur.

Her daughter's wedding was this past weekend, and the patient had been asked to stand up front as the couple wed. She's been anxious about it for months, terrified that if she has an attack of pain during the ceremony she'll start crying, and make a scene.

So to prevent pain she decided to a take a handful of Percocet just before the ceremony. About halfway through the wedding she suddenly began vomiting uncontrollably, then passed out on the alter.

I'm glad she didn't make a scene.

One Good Stroke Deserves Another...

There's an irregular heart rhythm called V-tach (short for ventricular tachycardia). Sometimes it's harmless and transient, but at other times can lead to more life-threatening heart rhythms. Therefore, when it shows up on the cardiac-telemetry monitor, it needs to be checked out FAST.

So this morning, around 5:00 a.m., I was on hospital rounds, reviewing a chart on the cardiac floor. I'd been asked to see the gentleman in room 31 (Reverend Jones, of Local Church), for a small stroke he'd had.

Suddenly the monitor tech paged overhead: "Room 31 is in V-tach! Check patient STAT!!!".

About 5 nearby nurses jumped up and ran into the room, throwing the door open, flipping the lights on, racing to the bed.

Reverend Jones was, uh, playing with certain things. Without sheets over him, either.

He explained that he "just wanted to see if my man-parts still work after the stroke".

I decided to just see him this afternoon, after his MRI is done. He's had enough embarrassment for the morning.

In Memoriam

This week marked the passing of a dear friend and associate.





This is my Panasonic electronic pencil sharpener. I have no idea what the model number was, if it had one.

I don't know when it was bought. I first remember seeing it in my Dad's law firm when I worked there in the summer of 1982 (I ran the copy machine for $2/hour).

At some point it got relocated to our house, and I took it with me to college, then medical school. It's since sat patiently on my desk, heroically and faithfully performing it's services when called to do so. It's been with me for at least 20 years, and likely more.

This week, it passed into the great machine heaven, done in by having to sharpen 6 dozen pencils in preparation for the new school year. It tried valiantly, but just couldn't handle it.

Besides the Grumpy family, it leaves behind many friends, including a stapler, tape dispenser, and desk lamp.

Services will be held in the next few weeks, as Frank requested an autopsy be performed to see what's inside an electric pencil sharpener.

Thanks, But I Did That This Morning

Took the Grumpy tribe bowling today. I went to the counter to pay for shoes and a lane.

The guy rings me up and says "Sir, would you like a ball wash?"

It may be part of his job, but I couldn't say that with a straight face.

Checking Out

Mrs. Grumpy sent me over to Local Grocery for some tomatoes today. She also wanted me to pick up Danimals, those drinkable yogurt things for kids.

So I'm at the check-out and Mr. Cashier starts chatting.

Mr. Cashier: "Dude, you can't send these Danimals to school with your kids. They need to be refrigerated".

Dr. Grumpy: "My kids have them at home for snacks."

Mr. Cashier: "Good. They need to be refrigerated, ya know."

Dr. Grumpy: (getting out my wallet) "I'll put this on my debit card."

Mr. Cashier: "Okay. Maybe, instead, you should get snacks that don't need to be refrigerated, and that way your kids could have them at home or school".

Dr. Grumpy: (frantically trying to get out of there) "I'll just bag these myself, don't worry about it"

Mr. Cashier: "Or you could make your own protein shakes for kids, like with Ensure or ice cream or Slim-Fast? Or you could buy protein powder at health food stores? Or... Hey, you want your receipt? Where you going, Mister?"

Today's Mail

Included a letter, with this address:

"Grumpy Neuro Logical Neurological Neurology Office
Attn: Mr. Dr. Grumpy Mister, M.D."


I feel so special now.

No, Thank You

Mr. Gagmewithaspoon, while I understand that the abscess on your scrotum, which you saw a dermatologist for this morning, is of great concern to you, it is not why you are seeing me, your friendly neurologist.

So when I asked you how your carpal tunnel syndrome is doing, there was no reason to drop your pants. Especially since the door to my office was open, as I hadn't expected you to do something like that. Neither did the rest of my staff, though you may have unintentionally helped their diet plan.

So kindly pull them up, put your inflatable donut cushion on the chair, and tell me how your carpal tunnel syndrome is doing.

Wii Fit Boxing

While exercising last night with the Wii Fit, I realized the boxing could be improved by allowing you to put a face on the punching bag. Like Dr. Dipshit. Or Mrs. Idiot. Or evil drug rep Rikki.

On the other hand, if I did this I'd likely die from exhaustion, or break the TV.

You Don't Say!

I always ask patients if they've changed any of their other docs since I last saw them. I think it's important they get my letter, so we all know what each other is doing. Good communication is good for patients, and in this age people change docs often.

So I asked that question of a lady in her 50's today.

She said: "I'm seeing a new Gynecologist. I don't remember her name. She specializes in women."


Best kind, I guess.

Dear Dr. Dipshit

You sent a fax over to my office this morning that only said "PLEASE CALL ME ASAP TO DISCUSS MUTUAL PATIENT IMA DINGDONG!!! I'M AT 867-5309!!!".

I can only assume you did this because you are incapable of actually dialing a phone by yourself. Obviously, if someone at your end could look up my fax number, they could have found my phone number, too.

Mary brought it back to me about 3 minutes after it printed, and interrupted me while I was with a patient because it looked urgent.

I don't mind being interrupted, because a patient emergency should always take priority. So I called 867-5309.

The call was immediately transferred to your answering service, who told me your office was closed and offered to page another doctor on call, who likely had no idea why you were trying to reach me urgently. I begged the operator to see if your office had a backline she could connect me to, and she kindly did.

The lady who answered your backline obviously didn't give a shit. I told her I was Dr. Grumpy, and I was returning YOUR fax about Mrs. Dingdong. She told me the office was closed, and I should leave a message with the answering service. When I repeated that YOU HAD FAXED ME, she said you were having coffee with a drug rep, and didn't want to interrupt you (I guess it's better for a doctor to be interrupted when with a patient, huh?).

I told her that the fax said it was an emergency, so she sighed heavily (I know she rolled her eyes, even without a video link), whined, and said, "okay, let me go see if he's done".

I was then placed on hold for 2 minutes and 38 seconds (while I'm with a patient at my end) before another of your staff came on, said you were still with the drug rep, and asked me which patient it was on, what their date-of-birth was, and why was I calling in the first place? Could it wait until your office opened?

Sorry I hung up at that point, but I didn't want to scream and swear at some poor staff member that you'd stuck between us. Obviously, you and I have a different definition of "emergency".

And you can call me back if you need me. Or better yet, just have the patient call me, since apparently no one at your end believes in patient care.


(Friday morning update: Nope. I never heard back from him.)

No! Not that!

From my first patient of the day:

Dr. Grumpy: "What kind of neck surgery did you have?"

Mr. Neckpain: "It was a bone graft. They put a cadaver in my neck. I mean a bone graft from a cadaver, not the whole cadaver."

The Dog Ate My Homework, but the Cat.....

Too awesome not to share. Here's a guy caught with kiddie porn on his computer, who tried to convince the police that HIS CAT downloaded it!

Check it out!

Phone Phun

Today ended with me doing an evening telephone and internet conference with 15 other neurologists across the country to review data on a drug that's in development.

The meeting took place after we were all home. So you'd hear the occasional sounds of home life. A kid yelling, a dog barking, somebody laughing in the background, etc.

Usually these things go fairly smoothly. Tonight's, however, had 2 noteworthy interruptions:

Interruption #1:

The "click" of a receiver being picked up, and suddenly a young female voice cuts off the moderator:

Young female: "Daddy! My boyfriend is supposed to call tonight! Why are you on the phone?"

Neurologist X: "Britney! Get off the phone NOW! I'm in a meeting!"

Young female: "Daddy! This isn't just any boy! This is TREVOR!!!!!!!!!!!!" (click)



Interruption #2

The Moderator was asking a few questions. He was interrupted when a neurologist with a thick Brooklyn accent apparently had an interruption at home, and loudly said:

"What? Tell him to fuck off! I'm on the phone!"


Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.