More Weirdities

Today just seems to be shaping up as weirdness in the medical world.

While I'm not trying to take sides online in the animal rights vs. medical research issue, this article today caught my attention.

A group of animal rights activist in Switzerland have targeted the CEO of Novartis pharmaceuticals by (among other things) stealing his mother's ashes!

Medical Research

The West Virginia branch of our Science Marches On Department has brought the following enormously important medical research to my attention.

(click to enlarge)



FOLLOW-UP COMMENT: The Texas branch of our Science Marches on Department, upon reviewing this article, had several questions which I thought were worth printing:

"(a) Does it matter what you read? Sci-fi, romance, action-adventure, military history, self-help, etc? More work in this field is needed.

(b) Since this was done in Israel, does it make a difference if you read left-to-right or right-to-left?

(c) Is this why they call Jews the People of the Book?

(d) Do you get the impression that the Primary Investigator did this research because his wife complained about his reading on the john and gave him some old wives' tale about how it's bad for you?

(e) I know (from personal experience) that Haifa isn't the most exciting city in the world, but how bored do you have to be to come up with this?"

Good Causes For All Things

On the way home from the Grumpy Neurology Emporium tonight I passed a sign: "This is National Stop-at-a-Red-Light Week. Remember to stop at red lights this week."

I'm not making this up (you can google it if you don't believe me).

I had no idea we were in need of this. Are there weeks for other traffic laws (Slam-on-the-Gas on Yellow Week, or Swerve-to-Avoid-Pedestrians week)?

And if I try to remember to stop at red lights this week, do I still have to do it next week?

Attention Other Specialists

I am a neurologist. This means I deal with brains and nerves. I do this for a reason, just like you have your reasons for doing whatever you do.

This means that I do NOT want you to send me any of the following:

From GI docs: vivid bright color endoscopic pictures of a mutual patient's hemorrhoids, the inside of his rectum, or a bleeding ulcer in his duodenum. I will take your word that he has problems, and you don't need to send graphic evidence. Sending it by fax, however, has helped Mary stay on her diet.

From OB/GYN's: close-up photos of herpes sores on a mutual patient's hoohah, shots of her cervix at 28 weeks, and slides from her pap smear.

From any surgeon: A DVD of you taking out Mr. Smith's gallbladder or fixing his inguinal hernia. I treat his migraines. You stay on your side of the body and I'll stay on mine.


I don't send you people samples of spinal fluid, EEG clippings, or a DVD of abnormal reflexes. So stop it.

Bad Ways to Wake Up

My cell phone beeps at 3:47 a.m. on a Monday morning. It's the coroner's office, urgently needing records on one of my patients.

Sunday in the Pool

I'm sitting on the pool steps today, watching the kids swim. Marie comes over and starts fanning water onto my submerged torso and legs. After a few minutes of this, I asked her what she was doing.

"I'm getting the barnacles off. On Spongebob, Mr. Krabs said old people have barnacles grow on them."

This parenting thing can be SO flattering at times.

Does Anyone Else Think This is Wierd? Or is it Just Me?

Mrs. Grumpy went to a funeral last week, and just returned yesterday.

I've never heard of this (and neither had she) but the family had hired a professional photographer! I am not making this up. As each group of guests came in they were asked to have their picture taken standing by the casket (mercifully closed) and widowed spouse ("say 'cheese' everyone!").

After everyone was there, the photographer filmed the whole ceremony, including burial. You could sign up to have a free CD of the funeral soundtrack sent to you, or (for only $9.95) also get a DVD with video so you can always revisit the excitement.

This was all part of the package that was offered by the mortuary.

I have nothing against photographers. They work at weddings, parties, Bar Mitzvahs, etc. But I've never heard of similar stuff being done at funerals.

Am I out of touch? Is this normal these days? Does anyone else think this is strange?

"When will my labs be back?"

Labs fall into 3 groups:

1. Regular tests (done at the lab, back within a few hours).

2. Local send-outs (done in the city, but we "send-out" the sample to another hospital. Can take a few days).

3. Major League send-outs (only a few places in the country, or even the world, may do these. Several weeks to get back).


So yesterday afternoon, around 4:00, I was trying to track down some results in category #3. The hospital lab kept switching me from person to person, and each time I had to tell them my story, the patient's name, etc.

Finally I reached a supervisor, who said: "Oh, those are rare labs. We had to send them quite a ways. I'm going to have to connect you to Israel."

I was quite surprised, but patiently held the line. After about 10 seconds it began ringing, and a male voice answered.

Male voice: "Lab, can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, I'm looking for some send-out results from about a month ago on Mr. John Smith..... Hey, what time is it there anyway?"

Male voice (surprised): "Uh, about 4 in the afternoon."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh..... I thought I was being connected to Israel."

Male voice: "I'm Israel Nunez. I work in send-outs. What's the patient's birthday?"


At least he got me my lab results.

My Readers Write

Dr. Phil (I assume not THE Dr. Phil) wrote in today with this horrifying story. Which I think is certainly worthy of sharing with the rest of you. So take it away, Dr. Phil:


"The following story happened just this morning, and I thought I'd share it with you....

Jackie is our newest employee, staffing the front desk, fielding phone calls from crazy patients, checking in patients, and in general controlling the chaos and preventing riots on a daily basis (and, if we're lucky, she brings doughnuts on Fridays!).

This morning, a patient showed up and handed her a Sephora bag. She told Jackie she was dropping off some samples.

When Jackie saw the Sephora bag, she immediately got excited. Once the patient left, she started digging through it to examine the contents. The plastic containers in the bag didn't resemble the typical Sephora product packaging.........

Fortunately for Jackie, she didn't apply any lipstick or hand lotion, as the "samples" were of the stool variety.

Next time she brings in doughnuts I'm going to avoid the chocolate. Poor Jackie."


Thank you for this awesome story, Dr. Phil.

Jackie, welcome to the medical office world. If anyone brings in a sample that looks like apple juice, I wouldn't drink it.

Math Issues

I was reading some news stories this evening, and found these remarkable poll results. The study is still in progress, so I have no idea how much sillier they'll get.

I think spending money on math lessons sounds a bit smarter at this point.

Fond Memories

A while back........

Pattie, RN’s comment on this recent post led me to remember this story:

As my regular readers know, I have boy/girl twins (Craig and Marie).

Years ago, just after they were born, I was talking to a drug rep. My secretary had mentioned to him that I had twins, and so he was asking about them.

Mr. Drugrep: “So it’s a boy and a girl?”

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Mr. Drugrep: “Are they fraternal or identical?”

To my staffs’ horror, and with a straight face, I immediately said “identical”, whereupon he humiliated himself even further.

Mr. Drugrep: “Wow! That is just so cool. So they look alike?”

Dr. Grumpy: “Yes.”

Mr. Drugrep: “And so, even though they're a boy and a girl, they will always look exactly alike?”

Dr. Grumpy: “Yes”.

Mr. Drugrep: “That is so neat. I’ll have to tell my wife about that tonight”.


When he left the office I told Mary that his wife will think that he either calls on the stupidest people in the world, or that she married one of them, or both.

Unfortunately, he got transferred to another territory 2 weeks later, and so I never saw him again.

Thanks, Ron

I got this voicemail last night at 6:45:

"Hi, this is Ron, at Local Pharmacy. An amazingly clueless patient of yours is here now, asking for a medication refill. She doesn't know what it's called, or why she takes it. If you have any idea, please call me."


Nice to know my patients are driving others nuts, too. I'd hate to think I was hogging it all.

So?

Mrs. X: "Is my muscle disease hereditary? Because I'm worried about my kids getting it."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, it's not." (pause) "I thought you once told me all your children were adopted?"

Mrs. X: "They are. So?"

Attention Patients

Leaving the following voicemail message for my nurse is NOT helpful:

"I have pain! Please call me back!"

If this was you, leaving your name and/or phone number in the future would be helpful. We do not have caller ID (if we did my staff wouldn't answer the phones at all).