This Ain't Hallmark

Today I had my twins at the office before school, because my wife had an early appointment.

Since one of my wife's aunts is sick, I kept them busy by having them make her cards.

Craig wrote one that said "I hope you feel better soon".

Marie's card said "I hope you don't die".

Maybe I Shouldn't Have Used My First Name.....

Okay, fans. I had a busy day at the office, so didn't get a chance to return calls until I got home. I had to call a 20-something patient to give her (normal) MRI results. Here was the conversation:

Miss Suzy Singlefemale: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi Suzy, This is Ibee Grumpy."

Miss Singlefemale: "Oh! I am SO glad you called. I've been meaning to call you back, but I've been sick for 2 days, and have been running errands, but I didn't want you to think I was blowing you off. I had the most INCREDIBLE time with you on Saturday night!"

I was speechless. Finally I said:

Dr. Grumpy: "Uh, I just called to discuss your MRI results."

LONG pause.

Miss Singlefemale: "Is this Dr. Grumpy? Oh, I thought you were someone else. How
are you this evening?"

Today Part 2

I thought the lady in the gown couldn't be beat in one day, but boy, was I wrong.

My 3:00 was a lady who had numbness in her feet, so I asked her to take off her shoes. She had a HUGE popped blister on her big toe. With blood all over it.

So what does this prize do? She sticks her finger in it and says "this looks like blood." Then she F--K--G LICKED THE BLOOD OFF HER FINGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Today, Part 1

Okay, today just sucked the big weenie. A remarkable collection of visits and phone calls from fruitcakes and nuts and lots of less friendly creatures.

My 1:00 was a lady in her 40's who went into my exam room, put on a paper gown, THEN wandered out to use the bathroom. She walked through the lobby (smiling at stunned patients) to the john.

After a few minutes she emerged, with the lower front half of the paper gown all wet. As she went back through the lobby she loudly said "That sink sure splashes you, huh?"

McD Bozos

Okay, Grumpy fans. Last night Mrs. Grumpy asked me to get a bag of ice on the way home. Since there's a McDonald's on the way, I stopped there (yes, you can get a bag of ice at McD's. It's a little known secret).

So I went in and asked for a bag of ice. The McBimbo got it out of the freezer and brought it to the counter, then asked me (Really!) "Is this to go, or are you gonna it eat it here?"

I was so stunned I didn't answer, so she said "I'll just give it to ya for here." So she put the bag on a plastic tray with some napkins, and rang me up. She even charged me the 8-cent tax for eating it on the premises.

(click to enlarge)

Talking Too Fast (I Hope)

So, Grumpyites, this afternoon I was reading a recent note from another doctor on a patient I'm seeing tomorrow. I can only assume the other doc was either talking too fast, or needs a better transcriptionist, or is just an idiot.

"Past medical history is notable for a successful suicide attempt in 2004."

Lunch With a Drug Rep

Yesterday a drug rep marketing an antidepressant brought lunch in, and offered this great quote:

"Doctor, the research staff at our company has recently found there are 2 major population groups: People who are taking anti-depressants, and people who aren't."

Just Shoot Me

I had a hospital consult this afternoon, the reason for which was unrelated to the cause of admission.

When I opened the chart, this is the paragraph that greeted me. I present it without further comment, as nothing could be added to make it better (or worse, depending on your point of view).


"History of present illness: This is a 78 year old male who was transferred from Big City Hospital for insurance reasons, due to a vibrating foreign object that has been impacted in his rectum causing anal obstruction. The patient states that he was using the vibrator to 'scratch an itch' around his anus and 'lost control' of it. He states that his internist was unable to remove it, and so he then went to Local Urgent Care Center. They were unable to remove it either, and he left there and went to Big City Hospital. For insurance reasons Big City Hospital has now transferred him here to get it removed."

Insurance Company Idiocy

Last week I saw a lady in her 40's, who'd had a small stroke. She had no good reasons to have had a stroke, so I ordered a bunch of routine tests, including an MRA. This is not experimental. We do these for stroke all the damn time.

So her insurance company of course refused it. They asked to see my notes (we faxed them), and the reason why I wanted it (we told them). They still refused to cover it, but told me I could appeal by calling one of their "physician reviewers". So I called him a minute ago.

He asked me why I wanted the MRA. I told him because the patient had a stroke.

His response: "Oh, why didn't you just tell us that in the first place? We'll cover that".

What a deal!

I ordered a game for one of my kids off Amazon, and stumbled across this great pricing (bottom lines of the image):

New game: $34.48

Used game: $94.98.

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Hello? Hello? Who am I?

I got dragged into the hospital this morning to see a guy for Alzheimer's disease. He was in one of the 2-patient rooms, with them separated by a curtain. And both of the guys were old and demented.

So while I"m talking to the guy in bed 1, he moves his arm, and immediately his IV pump says "downstream occlusion" and starts beeping annoyingly, a series of repeating chimes "beep-beep-boop-bop-bop".

So the guy in bed 2 thinks it's his phone ringing, and starts answering it! "Hello! Hello! Who is this?" slams it down. "Those damn kids"

And it keeps going! Every 30 seconds the pump chimes, and the other guy does the same thing "Hello! Hello!" I was in the room for 15 minutes, and he answered the phone 12 times.

It was still going on when I left the room.

Hmmmmmmm............

So this morning I had a couple in their late 20’s in the office. I'm working-up Mr. Youngcouple for some oddball symptoms, and his labs turned up a positive syphilis test.

So we discussed this at length. He was horrified. Kept insisting “there’s no way I can have syphilis! Ever! My wife is the only person I’ve ever been with!”

Once I said “syphilis” Mrs. Youngcouple stopped making eye contact with either of us. She just became very fixated on playing Tetris on her cell phone and occasionally staring intently at something on the floor.

You're a Freakin' Bozo, Sir.

This afternoon I'm seeing this guy. He has cancer, and is getting chemotherapy with a drug known to cause headaches.

So he's going into tearful detail on how he gets his chemotherapy on Wednesdays, and then on the Thursdays after he has a horrible headache that sends him to ER.

I reviewed different options (besides stopping cancer treatment): medications to get rid of his headaches, medications to prevent his headaches, etc. He then asks me this:

"Doctor, I'm not sure I want to take more medications. Wouldn't it be easier to just move my chemotherapy to Mondays, instead?"