Thursday, February 13, 2020

Artisanal overload

Okay, time to hit the mailbag for more examples of "artisanal" crap you guys have sent in.

First we have this flour, which is so uniquely handcrafted that it was being dumped off sold at the dollar store:

Next, for the health conscious, we have these "nourishing" pork rinds. They're apparently not only artisanal, but "epic," too:

Being antibiotic-free didn't do the pig much good, I guess

 If you're into artisanal junk and buy a lot of it, what better place to store it in than this:

Here's this sandwich, whose description ominously ends without telling you what, specifically, is artisan, making you wonder if the prosciutto is from the classic 1980 horror-movie Motel Hell.

Lastly, to my disgust, is this: A neurology hammer (a Trömner, no less) being advertised as artisanal:

Let's keep in mind that, no matter what it is, if it's made from "high density plastic" the odd are that it isn't really artisanal.

Dr. Grumpy's personal Trömner, for the record, was bestowed upon him by a drug rep pushing brand-name Naprosyn. Which dates me more than I want to think about.


Moose said...

"Epic" is the brand name of the pork rinds, ya dingus. They specialize in selling to the keto nuts with more money than most of the keto nuts.

I first saw them with their 'meat bars' -- think Powerbar but concentrating on animal proteins. The same company will sell you, for only $13, an 11 oz jar of duck fat.

Anonymous said...

Yeah I got naprosyn samples as a patient in 1984. I guess we be old.

stacey said...

I didn't know you could raise just "pork skins" without a pig. With or without antibiotics.
Woo Hoo!
I think this should get bonus points for using another snooty/virtue signaling word in its description: "provisions". Perhaps they are trying to evoke some sort of REI, western range, pioneer feel, by saying "provisions" rather than merely food or snack. Get your Levi Strauss pants and provisions here.... Usually found on other products in combinations with the words organic, fair trade, gluten free....

Anonymous said...

But if it's from Pret a Manger, you at least know it has a ton of mayo on it.

Anonymous said...

I'm just glad the prosciutto sandwich has "whole leaf basil" in it because if the basil was sliced into strips, whoo boy would I be one pissed off customer. ;)

fiberman said...

Those Epic "meat bars" are actually pretty good, but only worth the price if they're 50% off.

Extra scorn for the "Crafting Wellness" idiocy on the hammer package.

bryce.schroeder said...

The only thing Naprosyn gave me was gastritis, so you definitely came out ahead.

Terry Kennedy said...

At least you didn't have to win your Trömner in a fight to the death with another neurologist.

Shash said...

Fiberman, try Tanka bars. They are smaller, but less full of crap and tastier too.

I think the "prosciutto on artisan" means that a performance artist was laid out in a glass coffin and draped with prosciutto for no less than 72 hours (with hourly 5-minute breaks of course). Other prosciutto doesn't get this elitest treatment.

Anonymous said...

Are you suggesting that those sandwiches might contain...preservatives?

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