Monday, February 25, 2019

Breaking News!

From around the globe, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: WINNIPEG

Diners waiting for burgers in the drive-thru of an A&W restaurant kept waiting, even after it became obvious the restaurant was burning down.

In a remarkable testament to human optimism, brand devotion, and hunger, patrons were, apparently, convinced their dinners would be ready soon. This is in spite of smoke pouring out of the place, employees fleeing the building, and approaching sirens. In fact, more people just kept pulling in. One can only assume they thought the column of smoke was coming from the grill.

It wasn't until a total of 8 firetrucks had arrived that the hungry customers realized they should consider other dining options and left.



DATELINE: CHINA

A man in Zhangzou was hospitalized with fungal pneumonia. The potentially serious disorder has been attributed to his habit of repeatedly smelling his own socks after wearing them all day. He apparently did this as a way to relax after work.

I think I'll stick with a beer.




DATELINE: FLORIDA

Mr. Onelio Hipolit-Gonzalez was arrested for running a bogus medical clinic.

He charged people $160 for an initial appointment, which consisted of them holding a metal rod that was connected to a beeping machine (Ah! the machine that goes "PING!"). Afterwards he'd tell them the machine showed various organ problems and that he could cure them for $2000.

His "cure" for diabetes apparently consisted of him drawing blood and then re-injecting it back into their body.

Mr. Hipolit-Gonzalez was reportedly "shocked" to learn his actions were illegal, and, as proof of his ability to practice medicine, stated he'd been a lab technician.





DATELINE: BRAZIL

Mr. Abdias Melo, who must be a VERY sound sleeper, remained in dreamland while friends super-glued a colorful assortment of dildos to his back.

They then woke him by banging pots together.





Attempts to remove the dildos at home failed, and Mr. Melo ended up going to ER. I suspect even the most hardened team of emergency staff was taken aback by this case.

Either that or he was mistaken for a stegosaurus.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I've never worked in an emergency room, but I imagine that Mr. Melo's condition was a welcome relief from the often-reported reverse situation wherein household objects need to be removed from INSIDE the place where a dildo often goes.

Ms. Donna said...

How many ED employees had to be treated for "whatever the medical term is for helpless laughter" and falling over laughing?

At least this stunt was relatively harmless, save for the pain of removing the super glued "appendages.

Anonymous said...

Maybe all those drivers figured that, if they just waited a few minutes, someone would build a Tim Hortons there.

Barney the Dinosaur said...

I love you, you love me...

Nigel Tufnel said...

It's much healthier to smell gloves.

Shrtstormtrooper said...

If that patient showed up in my ER, I'd quit the very next day. What else would there ever be to look forward to? This is quite possibly the pinnacle of "you'll never believe what I saw" stories .

Packer said...

No comment from Officer Cynical as he has seen this all before.

A&W char broiling is always worth the wait.


Most people can smell their socks from 6 feet awy after wearing them all day, why the need to snort them


Usually a Bogus Florida Clinic involves the indescriminant dispensing of oxycodone, not curing diabetes.


Brazilian Dude is big hit with the ladies during Carnivale


Anonymous said...

Studly! I'm not ever going to get over that visual. I hope he has a good sense of humor and that his friends ponied up the cost of the ER visit. That made my week much better.

Anonymous said...

They were not waiting for food. They were trying to warm up. Damn cold in Winnepeg as
Bachmans' song says Portage and Main 50 below.

Mary said...

Just want you to know- I was working in the office one day when smoke started pouring down the hall towards the front desk. I told the receptionist to call 911 when patients in the waiting room wanted to know if they would still be seen. I assured them that if I survived I would be happy to see them. Then they wanted to know what order they would be seen in. Good times.

 
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