Tuesday, May 24, 2016

My life of crime

It's late afternoon. I'm at my desk, returning calls.


Mr. Stroke: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, Mr. Stroke, it's Dr. Grumpy. You had an appointment with me yesterday."

Mr. Stroke: "Yes. What's up?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I got your hospital records, and it doesn't look like they did an ultrasound of your heart."

Mr. Stroke: "Is that important?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, because the clot may have come from there. I'd like to have Annie set one up, so she'll call you tomorrow."

Mr. Stroke: "Okay, excuse me, what? HEY!"


Pause


Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Ms. Daughter: "WHO IS THIS? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!"

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, I saw your dad yesterday. You were at the appointment."

Ms. Daughter: "You even sound like him, too. I'm going to let him know as soon as he opens in the morning that his charts have been hacked. My father is an elderly veteran, and here scum like you are trying to steal his identity and medical information."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, this really is Dr. Grumpy. All I'm trying to do is set your dad up for a heart study."

Ms. Daughter: "Uh-huh. I know how you people operate. I've got the number you called from on the caller ID, and I'm turning it over to the police."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's my office number."

Ms. Daughter: "Rot in hell, asshole."

Click

29 comments:

Heidi said...

"You even sound like him..." cracked me up.

Glad she's watching out for her father I suppose...but yikes.

Anonymous said...

Her heart's in the right place. Her brain, however...

Anonymous said...

Sounds like the daughter needs an appointment too. With a shrink.

Andy Syms said...

O. M. G. !!!

I could never work in a public facing role. I'd probably be done for murder in the first week.

Anonymous said...

I hope you'll let us know what happened after she calls the "real" Dr. Grumpy!

Anonymous said...

When she calls back in the morning, please pretend you're voicemail:

"Good morning, you've reached Asshole otherwise known as Dr. Grumpy. I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, as I am currently rotting in hell. Please leave your name and number and I'll return your call at my earliest convenience. Or sell it to an identity thief. Thank you and have a great day!"

Packer said...

Did Officer Cynical gently place the cuffs on you.

Anonymous said...

WTF! Like you have so much spare time in your life you make prank calls to your patients. This daughter sounds like she is Miss Paranoid to the Max.

clairesmum said...

Oh boy! That poor man has a loon for a daughter - I hope she hasn't driven the sane family members/friends away. She'll be loading him up on health foods and miracle cures instead of getting him regular medical care....all in the name of caring for him, of course. This may end badly for the patient.

Anonymous said...

Not to be Debbie Downer, but is Ms.Daughter responsible for Mr. Stroke's care?Is he safe with her?

Anonymous said...

Wha'?! With all the scam artists, nut jobs, maleficent aliens out there– you DON'T have a code word for your patients when you have to contact them for a follow-up?! (even your blasted blog makes me proooove my identity before I can post a lousy comment...)

Anonymous said...

Maybe start using Skype or FaceTime to call this particular patient back. I'm guessing the daughter is just acting out of frustration.

Yoko Drāno said...

"I know how you people operate. I've got the number you called from on my caller ID, and I'm turning it over to the police."

"No, you don't understand. I'm not one of those phone scammers. I really do work for Microsoft."

"Exactly!"

Anonymous said...

meth

Just Me said...

have you ever thought about bringing a psychiatrist into your practice - perhaps 2?

SPTO said...

LOL oh my goodness. I just followed the rabbit hole to this blog and i'm laughing my head off. I suppose it's good that she's looking out for him but man...Coming on a bit strong no?

I'm sure she'll see that it's your number, go with him to the next appointment and act like nothing happened.

Awkwardness ensues....

Me said...

I sure hope you let us know how this resolves in the end. I can't stand the suspense!

Moose said...

Unfortunately this is a common thing with people who get a sliver of information and decide that makes them experts.

The mass media doesn't help with stories about how OH MY GOD THEY'RE STEALING YOUR INFORMATION RIGHT NOW SET YOUR COMPUTER ON FIRE RUN RUN RUN!

There are lots of bad people out there who want to steal your identity but a little common sense goes a long way. If you REALLY think someone on the phone is trying to steal your (or your relative's) identity, tell them you will call them back, look up their number yourself, and call that number.

Meanwhile, that poor guy's health could be at risk because his daughter thinks there are Blue Meanies under his bed. Someone get the green apples.

Officer Cynical said...

I knew there was something shady about you.....

Candi Gomez said...

I really want to be a fly on the wall once the phone's hung up. Mr. Stroke and Ms. Daughter probably had quite the conversation.

The hacking comment is a flat-out insult. No medical office that cares for its patients (or at least doesn't want to get sued) puts its files where the internet can access them. It's just too risky. (And is half the reason my office still has paper files even though they have an intranet setup.)

Anonymous said...

If I had to live with someone like that, I'd probably throw a clot too.

Moose said...

Er, Candi Gomez, this is the 21st century. My doctor's practice makes at least my basic records available online via a third-party system specifically designed for this.

To initially get your account you have to jump through hoops -- there are 5-6 steps to get the account created, with checks to ensure security.

I can log in, see all of my past visits (to when they started using the system), what I was there for and what actions the doctor took, find a list of all medications I take and update it if needed, and use their email system to request an appointment or a prescription refill, or even talk to my doctor.

And why not? I do all my banking online -- the only time I've stepped into a bank in the past 8 years is once to open the account and once to dispute a charge (which I wound up having to take to the Feds anyway, but that's another tale). I pay my bills online.

I used to work with high-end computing for a science institute. That may not sound like security is as big a concern as banking or medicine, but when you get scientists freaking out that someone might be trying to steal their research and their multi-million dollar grants, it's serious business.

I'm in a different field now but my current job is 100% online. I've never met my boss -- or any of my coworkers -- in person. We're scattered across the globe from Hawaii to England.

Anonymous said...

What Moose said. A family member had information stolen and used to file a false return with the IRS. The only sources for the information were the IRS itself, an employer, and four medical offices, three of which have records available via the 'Net.


LittleRed1

Legal Hospitalist said...

I hope you identified yourself with you real name instead of Dr. Grumpy.

Anonymous said...

When my parents had progressive medical problems, including cognitive decline, I spent large amounts of time 24/7 with them... in remote, rural area of USA ..far, far from anything but satellite phone service.. and their land line would averaged about seven calls a day from "donation seekers " or "seeking to confirm your records" , etc. The high number was 23 in one day. (around Memorial Day weekend)

It took about one month of me answering before the calls began to dwindle. At one point my father just started handing the phone to me.... My favorite line was .."sorry, new sheriff in town, but I am tracing your call..." followed by "CLICK".... Any registered donation seeking organization is obligated by US Federal law to advise, when ASKED, what amount of the donation goes to the charity beneficiary. That question generates hang up more than answers....



but wish I had used the crazy approach a time or two...

Becca said...

I used to have some interesting times as a young woman employed as medical receptionist in a urology clinic. Most of the patients were older men whose wives generally answered the phone. For obvious confidentiality reasons I couldn't say why I was calling or where I was calling from* so I had a lot of tense conversations with the wives who were very suspicious about who this mysterious woman was calling for their husband but refusing to properly identify herself or give a reason for the call.

*Almost universally the wives knew their husband was being seen in the clinic but of course we couldn't assume they would know.

tbunni said...

Becca - I was on the reverse end, from my phone company. Back in the olden days, my husband started a framing company and used our home phone (no cell phones yet) for clients to call. This phone number had been mine for several years before we married, and was in my name. I would consistently received calls from a woman at the phone company wanting to speak with my husband. Each time, I explained this is our home phone & I will give the message to my husband when he gets home. Nope, she wouldn't talk to me, as it was "his company line."

After a few weeks I finally got fed up, and the next time she called, I snapped. I ranted at her, called her a home-wrecker, sleazy b*tch, and a few other choice names and said if she ever called again, I'd hunt her down.

Oddly enough, the phone calls stopped right there. I still can't figure out why.

April S said...

THANK YOU for this laugh!!

evodevo said...

Ah, yes, IDENTITY THEFT !!111!!!!11 Wonder if she's like my rural customers who freak out over this, but leave their delivered mail in their mailboxes out on Podunk Road for days at a time LOL....

 
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