Thursday, May 28, 2009

Dumb and Dumber

I have a nice young lady in my practice who, as far as I can tell, has only made one major mistake in life. She fell in love with, married, and had kids with Mr. Dumb. He later decided he'd rather be a crackhead, and dumped his family in favor of the excitement of living on the street and smoking crack.

So Miss Nicelady heroically soldiers on, dealing with single Mom stuff. She was awarded child support from Mr. Dumb. Unfortunately, this only gets withheld from his paycheck on the rare occasion he's actually working. So it amounts to $20-$30 once every few months, when he finds temporary work as a dishwasher.

So at her appointment today I asked her how things were going. She paused, and then began laughing.

2 months ago she suddenly began getting steady money from his child support withholding- $100 or so every 2 weeks. She was thrilled, and didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Until one night, some guy she'd never heard of called to see why she was stealing HIS money!

And so the story played out. Get this, Grumpyites:

Mr. Dumb, trying to get crack money, sold his identity (Social Security Card, Driver's License, etc) to Mr. Dumber for $50.

Mr. Dumber, now hiding under Mr. Dumb's ID, went off and got a job.

And so, when Mr. Dumber began getting paychecks, his salary was withheld and sent to my patient!

Basically, Mr. Dumber paid $50 in order to have $200 a month withheld from his paychecks. How inconsiderate of Mr. Dumb not to have mentioned these minor details to his purchaser.

In addition, Mr. Dumber was also angry at my patient (like it's her fault) because he got pulled over one day, and discovered Mr. Dumb's license was suspended 2 years ago.

Miss Nicelady told me the best part of the whole thing was when Mr. Dumber told her he was going to call the police on her.

22 comments:

peedee said...

Poetic Justice.

HugeMD said...

You should add this to the thread on Sermo about whether people are getting dumber. Apparently so.

I would have so liked to have seen the cop's face if Mr. Dumber actually called. I think the only people who deal with more stupid people than we do are cops. Stupid AND drunk. Hubby's a cop.

Reminds me of the few extremely entertaining times I've had when patients tell me someone must have been using their name and getting narcotics at multiple pharmacies all over the city because THEY didn't get all those Vicodin and Percocet. I feign my most horrified look and tell them that that is identity theft and we better call the police right away to report it.

The looks on their faces...
priceless.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

I love that idea, HugeMD.

Whenever I get the "somebody stole my percocet, so I need some early" speech, I tell them I'll be happy to refill it- when they bring in a copy of the police report.

Ain't happened yet.

HugeMD said...

Oh, yeah, I've asked for the police report. They usually magically "find" them.

Here's another one: They call saying the Vicodin makes them puke/itch/hallucinate/you name it and they want Percocet? Sure, just bring the Vicodin to the pharmacy so they can properly destroy them as they are controlled substances, and I'll be glad to replace them with the Percocet pill for pill. I don't think they've brought them in once.

Have you ever noticed how cats have a tendency to ONLY spill NARCOTICS into the toilet? Have you ever had someone's Topamax or Depakote dumped in the toilet by his or her cat?

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Hey, junkies have a lot of time to properly train cats. It's not like they have a day job.

HugeMD said...

Maybe that's what I should do with all this stupid free time I have... I never considered training my cats--I think only one has even learned his NAME! :) Maybe I'll have to reconsider! Thanks for the idea!

ERP said...

Wow - that is about as stupid-assed as I can imagine.

kath8562 said...

Grumpy-
Well, I've worked as a tech in a pharmacy for 14+ years, and we've had a grand total of one "stolen" script person actually come in with a police report (car got stolen).

Huge-
My dad has managed to dump his Vytorin in the sink. I've managed the Depakote - but that's coated, and doesn't melt!

Uro*MA said...

Ya know, I've always wondered about the toilet theory! Why is it that they always end up there? And why is it that a "family friend/member" is the one who "stole the vicodin" and "they just can't turn them into the police because they appologized...Oh and by the way can i have some more?" I love it! My fave!
I think next time i will tell my pts to take the vicodin to the pharmacy to be destroyed. I bet they won't....

Maha said...

Dr Grumpy you work in the 'burbs?? I have to move to your area to get stories like that!

The comments about narc refills reminds me of my patient that the staff doc had to call the cops on - he got a script for po toradol and was discharged. When he got to the pharmacy, he decided that toradol wasn't going to be good enough so he scribbled, "Perkocett 120" over the doc's signature. Smooth.

Nurse K said...

This is some good blogging right here. Also, Mr. Dumb is really close to my ex-husband minus the crack habit. I'm jealous he sold his ID to someone else and she got child support somehow.

Rx Intern said...

Haha, HugeMD, we get plenty of those in pharmacy...I think I've heard too many of them at this point. Then again, I know there are always some new ones that will surprise me!

Julie said...

What a laugh. Nice way to start the day.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

Kath8562- be careful- Depakote is wax based, and DOES melt at body temperature and above. Will melt in your pocket, or left in a car in summer.

Maha- I get those, too. Amazingly stupid people. And somehow they think no one will notice.

ERP- Never underestimate human stupidity. Someone else will beat this, in my practice or your ER, soon.

DreamingTree said...

Karma at work -- love it.

Fiz said...

Good -serves him right! Dreaming Tree is right, watching karma at work is wonderful!

Anonymous said...

Ahh...controlled substances...my favorite (I'm a Pharmacist). Go to the closest urban hospital center and see if they have their own outpatient pharmacy. If not, go to the closest pharmacy in a two block radius. REALLY...you have to see it to believe it!

Oh...btw...don't put me right smack in the line of fire. Plenty of docs are careful about this, but in case you're not...check first to see if they're due before writing those rx's. I don't mind doing it for the dr shoppers, but when the same doc writes early every time w/same sig, I'm not gonna fill it and believe me - I hate having to call the cops when they start making threats!

LAW said...

I see a MasterCard Commercial....

PRICELESS!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha. I had a patient call me one night. She wasn't interested in a refill, but genuinely concerned about what might happen to her pup, since she'd absentmindedly gave it her K-Dur 20 instead a Kibble or Bit.

pharmintern said...

What a group of idiots. Of course I've had someone actually call the cops on us at the pharmacy for refusing to fill 2 script for her. One was a clearly faked percocet script, poor spelling of drug names and being written in magic marker are really big clues, and the other script for alprazolam was about 2 years old and not signed. I'm sorry but I'm not getting in trouble with NYS BNE for fill those.

I have had a guy call up because the dog chew on his prescription bottle and ate some of the med and was wondering if I could get a new script for him. He had just picked up a couple of days ago a 10 day course of doxycycline so I really doubt he was using that to get high. He did bring the bottle in though and it was really beat up and the cap seemed to be crushed on from the dog biting it.

ER's Mom said...

I (believe it or not) once told a patient to bring in a police report...and she DID! It was timed about 2-3 hours before she called us for the refill! The only time I have done an early refill on a controlled substance.

healingmagichands said...

You guys don't work in the Ozarks, right? On a daily basis in our newspaper you can read police reports where people call the cops to report their percocet/oxycontin/vicodin/whatever (saleable) narcotic was stolen from their car. Not their stereo, or the cash in the purse, just the drugs. This is so they can have a police report so they can refill their prescriptions and sell them again so they can buy meth. Of course, you realize these are people on medicaid so they get their saleable commodity at taxpayer's expense.

 
Locations of visitors to this page