Afternoon patient neologism

"My spine is curved sideways. They said it's skeletonosis."

Marital Counseling

Mr. Joyful came in to follow-up on his back pain today. A few minutes into the appointment his cell phone rang. He reached over and pushed the speaker-phone button.


Mr. Joyful: "This is Ed."

Lady Joyful: "Are you at the doctor's yet?"

Mr. Joyful: "I'm here right now. You're interrupting. What do you want?"

Lady Joyful: "I'm reminding you to talk to him about your anger problems."

Mr. Joyful: "I don't have anger problems. YOU'RE the one with the problems. Like that's anything new!"

Lady Joyful: "Look, Ed. You've been an ass recently, and he needs to give you some happy pills or something."

Mr. Joyful: "No, bitch, you have the problems. I'm fine, except for having to deal with you."

Lady Joyful: "Oh, like it's a pleasure to have to deal with a prick like you. If I have the problems, how come everyone else says you're the one with the issues?"

Mr. Joyful: "By everyone else you mean your dirtball mother?"

Lady Joyful: "Don't bring my mother into this! At least she's not serving time, like your mom!"

Mr. Joyful reached over and hung up the phone.

Mr. Joyful: "Anyway, Doc, the physical therapy didn't help my back at all."

Patient quote of the day

"I worry constantly about my son. I always have, for my entire life. Ever since I was born, I've worried about him. And I'm 38 years old now. That's 38 years of worrying about a 10 year old."

Dear Mrs. Crest,

We're sorry you had to cancel your appointment this morning, but it was understandable. I have kids, too, and sometimes they have medical/dental emergencies that screw up your whole schedule for the day.

So I understand having to take your daughter to the dentist urgently. I'm sorry she had to get a filling, but at least it's nothing serious.

I trust you. I'm not penalizing you for this sort of emergency. It happens. So there was no need to email a picture of your kid's new dental filling to Mary.




For future reference, please don't send pictures. Especially if they involve an urgent visit to a proctologist.

Thank you,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Just Shoot Me

Miss Pill: "I can't stand the side effects, and it's not helping. I don't want to take it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, let me write out a schedule to taper off it."

(scribbles on paper)

Dr. Grumpy: "All right, have a look at this. You'll drop to 2 pills a day for a week, then 1 a day for a week, then stop. So you'll be off it in 2 weeks."

Miss Pill: "TWO WEEKS?!!! I can't do 2 weeks! I have to take it at least 3 more months."

Dr. Grumpy: "You just said you wanted to be off it. Why do you have to take it for 2 more months?"

Miss Pill: "I just paid $25 for a 3 month supply. I don't want them to go to waste."

News that leaves me speechless

I'd like to thank The Mother, who submitted this truly remarkable news story from the Emerald Isle over the weekend.





www.herald.ie
By Andrew Phelan
Wednesday June 23, 2010

A REVELLER at a fancy dress party in one of Dublin's best known gay bars attacked her ex-girlfriend in a row over a novelty wrestler's suit.

Sandra Talbot (32) assaulted her ex-partner with a bottle she had hidden under her costume in a fit of rage at the George pub, after more than a year of acrimony following their break-up.

A court heard she lashed out at victim Adrienne Martin in a row that started over a novelty sumo wrestler's suit that Talbot was wearing. The row developed as the victim tried to wave at a man dressed as a Snickers bar, the court heard.

Ms Martin told Dublin District Court how she was left with a large lump on her temple and still suffered from panic attacks because of the incident.

RUINED

Talbot denied any physical contact happened and said Ms Martin had "ruined her life".

Convicting her and fining her €400, Judge Catherine Murphy said she hoped the accused and the "loosely linked group of friends" who had become involved in the court case could put it behind them.

Talbot, of Greenfort Close, Clondalkin, had pleaded not guilty to common assault on Ms Martin at the George on George's Street on Halloween night, 2008.

Ms Martin told the court she was out for the first time in several months, following the death of her sister from a brain aneurysm.

She had been in an on-off relationship with Talbot for three years which had ended in March 2007. During the evening Talbot, who was wearing an inflatable sumo suit, bumped into her. When she turned around, the accused said to her: "Keep smiling, c**t."

Later, a man dressed as a Snickers bar began waving at her and when she went to wave back, Talbot pushed her arm from behind. When she asked what the problem was, Talbot said: "Your arm's in my way."

When she again asked what her problem was, Talbot "flipped" and started screaming abuse at her.

Ms Martin's friend Suzanne Bowes got in between them. Talbot was saying something about Ms Martin's dead sister that she could not hear over the music so she turned her head to listen.

"The next thing, I got a blow to the left side of my head beside the temple," Ms Martin said. "My knees went from under me and I went down. She walked away, laughing and sneering at me. I had a massive lump on the side of my head."

Ms Martin said she saw a Smirnoff Ice bottle fly from the defendant's sleeve. The State solicitor said the prosecution had no evidence that a bottle was used in the assault other than Ms Martin's word.

The accused was escorted out and had to be asked to partially deflate her costume so she could get out the door.

To read the rest of the story, click here.

Grumpus Interruptus

Okay, gang, just a warning. The internet people are allegedly coming out sometime today to try and fix the on-off net problems that have vexed me for the last few weeks. They've told me I may not have access over the weekend. So I may not be able to post for a few days. If I can, I will, but I just don't know.

"You're all grounded! No, not you kids."

Parent brawl erupts at kindergarten graduation

Jun. 24, 2010 08:34 AM
Associated Press

VICTORVILLE, Calif. - Brawling parents interrupted a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony.

School officials placed Puesta del Sol Elementary in desert Victorville on lockdown Wednesday morning after a fight broke out among a group of parents.

San Bernardino County sheriff's spokeswoman Karen Hunt says witnesses told deputies several mothers were involved in a verbal argument and it got physical in a field near the ceremony. Several men then jumped into the fray and the incident turned into a brawl.

To read the rest of this story, click here.

Got Cheese?

I'd like to thank my readers JLG and Tracey, both of whom submitted this.


Police: Naked Man Found With Stolen Cheese At Library

Officer Says Man Bathing While Nude In Mens Restroom

WLWT.com News
POSTED: 3:50 pm EDT June 24, 2010

(Cincinnati) Police arrested a man Wednesday evening accused of being naked at the library with a bag full of stolen cheese.

An off-duty police officer working security at the downtown branch of the Cincinnati Public Library said he found 52-year-old Darrell Bess washing himself in the nude about 5:30 p.m. in the men's restroom.

When officers searched his bag, they said they found a knife, a razor, two stolen DVDs and 4 pounds of stolen Parmesan cheese.

To read the rest of this article, click here.

Better living through chemistry

Dr. Grumpy: "How's your tremor been since we started the new medication?"

Mr. Shakin: "Much better, in a lot of ways."

Dr. Grumpy: "Can you give me an example?"

Mr. Shakin: "I used to have to ask my wife to unzip me to pee, but now I can do it myself."

1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup butter, cheese sauce mix, Kung Fu lessons...

Cops: Siblings brawl over butter in mac & cheese

Associated Press
Jun. 23, 2010 02:33 PM

WATERVILLE, Wash. – An argument over butter in a macaroni and cheese recipe churned into violence between a brother and sister.

A 21-year-old man called police to say his 17-year-old sister tried to cut his neck with the serrated edge of a spatula

The police report said the sister was making macaroni and cheese when her brother asked if she was using butter. That led to an argument over the difference between butter and margarine, which escalated.

To read the rest of this article, click here.

Heard in the elevator

At the end of another exciting office day I got into the elevator. I barely noticed the young woman in there until she began talking on her cell phone.

"Hi, honey. Yeah, he says he can make them bigger. Umm, I don't know. How big do you think?"

Survey fun

Doing a phone survey on a drug in development this morning, and was asked this question:

"Doctor, if the drug was found to cause cataracts in dogs, but not in rats, how would this affect your prescribing?"

And yes, my practice is only limited to humans.

Tuesday night patient devotion phone message

"Hi, this is Cindy Buzz. I see Dr. Grumpy for my headaches, and he ordered an MRI. It was supposed to have been done at 4:00 this afternoon, but it was such a nice day I was driving there with my windows down, and I passed an area where they were destroying a hive, and a bunch of bees flew into my car and stung me all over and I had some kind of a reaction and lost control of my car and hit a light pole and paramedics came and I've been admitted to St. Hymenoptera's Hospital so they can watch me overnight. Can someone please call me tomorrow so I can reschedule the MRI? Thank you."