The waiting dead

Before we left on vacation I took Frank to the MVD to get his (drumroll) DRIVING PERMIT.

Anyway, we were waiting in line for the clerk, Roz, to review his forms.


Roz: "You didn't mark this question, about being an organ donor."

Frank: "I didn't like either of the answers."

Roz: "It's yes or no. What else do you want?"

Frank: "If I die in a wreck I want to be cryogenically preserved so I can be brought back as a living anti-zombie."

Roz: "Living... Anti... Zombie..."

Frank: "You don't have that option on the form."

Roz: "If that happens your parents can work out the details."

Frank: "What if they're already infected?"

Roz: "By what?"

Frank: "The zombie virus."

Long pause

Roz: "Take the paperwork to window 29 and they'll get your picture. NEXT!"

Heading out

All right gang, time for the Grumpy family blow-out summer vacation. You're free of me for a few weeks. Have fun!

Mailbag

Nurse B writes:

I work on a telemetry floor. As long as I've been there, they've had a board called "Look Who's Coming to Tele." The original idea, I guess, was that when a new nurse was hired they'd put up their picture with some fun facts about them so people could get to know them.

Apparently, a supervisor got tired of doing this, so at some point just taped up a few random pics and forgot about it. She went on to another job, and either took the key to the display cabinet with her, or someone lost it, or whatever. Anyway, no one has been able to open the display for at least 10 years. This isn't a big deal, since it isn't needed for anything. Important nursing memos are put up in a more time-honored place: the bathroom.

As a result, people have generally ignored the display for years. One of those things that gets filtered out, even if you walk by it repeatedly at work.

Yesterday, for no real reason, I stopped and looked at it. And began giggling.

I think it's time someone gets the case opened to change the pictures.

Thank you, Nurse B!

Best of both worlds

Seen on a patient's info sheet:

The first name listed above it was "Chris."

Racket

Dr. Grumpy: "All right, so the test Dr. Hand has asked me to do is called an EMG/NCV. It involves running some shocks through your arm, and putting a needle into different muscles, to see if you have carpal tunnel syndrome."

Mr. Carpal: "Yeah, whatever. I know your game."

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me?"

Mr. Carpal: "You and he are in on this, right?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I mean, I've never met him, I just saw his name on the order you brought in as the guy who ordered the test."

Mr. Carpal: "We all know I don't need this test."

Dr. Grump: "Well, the reason for doing it is..."

Mr. Carpal: "Don't give me that. This is all part of you guys' get-rich-scam. You're bilking me and my insurance."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, you don't have to have the test if you don't want to. Certainly, you're free to leave now, and there won't be any charge to anyone."

Mr. Carpal "Yeah, but I need the hand surgery. And Dr. Hand won't do it without this test. So I have to play along with your cozy racket here."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but it really is..."

Mr. Carpal: "Look, I'm here. Just get the greedy game over with."

My readers write

This was sent in from retired policeman Steve:


Officer Steve: "Okay, Mr. Smith. We got your fingerprint results back. Not only is there a warrant out for your arrest, but the name you gave us is phony. The fingerprint match says your name is really Jones."

Mr. Whatever: "Well, they're both right. Smith is my maiden name."

Great marketing survey questions

"Hey, that's an improvement of almost one-half of 1 percent of a day you're getting back."

Thank you, C!

Mary's desk

Mary: "Okay, can I make a copy of your insurance card?"

Mr. Card: "Here you go..."

Mary: "Um... This is Sick National Insurance. We're not contracted with them. I told you that when you called, and you told me you were covered by Major Illness."

Mr. Card: "Yeah, I know."

Mary: "So are you going to pay cash for today's visit? We don't take this plan."

Mr. Card: "No, I figured once I was in your office you guys were obligated to see me for free."

Memories...

Neurologists are a quirky bunch. We all have our own ways of checking various cognitive functions. We ask people to remember things, name presented objects, draw figures... a bunch of stuff.

But, in training, I had an attending on rounds who beat everyone else.

He was missing the 4th and 5th fingers from his right hand. I have no idea how it happened. He told different people different stories, ranging from a hunting accident to being tortured by the Stasi to a patient attacking him with a knife.

Anyway...

He'd do the usual stuff like having people remember objects, answer historical questions...

And then he'd suddenly spread out his right hand and ask "which fingers am I missing?"

The reactions of patients varied from shock, to a calm answer, to one demented lady who began screaming uncontrollably (granted, she did that when the door opened, too).

At the graduation banquet we gave him an award for "Best Neurological Exam Making Use of a Physical Deformity."

Modern life

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, looking over the hospital records, I'd have to agree that you had a seizure."

Mr. Lingo: "I didn't have a seizure! You don't understand!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, they aren't that uncommon. Every year..."

Mr. Lingo: " I can't have had a seizure! Don't you see? It would really affect my brand."

Friday whatever

Ms. Vocab: "My Mom had breast cancer, so they did a vasectomy."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean mastectomy?"

Ms. Vocab: "Whatever."

Online CME

Gee, how'd I miss that one? I was sure it was "B."

Thank you, SMOD!

Monday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "Looking at these reports, the MRI of your neck is normal. So is the CT scan, and the X-rays."

Ms. Ichabod: "That's what all the neck surgeons say, too! But I know something is wrong!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but..."

Ms. Ichabod: "This is why Dr. Sousaphone said he was referring me to you! He said you specialized in cases like mine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I'm not sure there are any further studies to be done because..."

Ms. Ichabod: "You realize my head could completely fall off my shoulders and I could die at any time due to the uncaring attitude of doctors like you, DON'T YOU?!!!"


 After 20 years, I still don't know how I manage to keep a straight face at these times.

Ee-i-ee-i-o

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. McDonald: "Hi, I'm on my way there for my appointment, but I'm running late."

Mary: "Okay, well, the one after you just cancelled, so come on in and he'll see you when you get here."

Mrs. McDonald: "What a mess. The neighbor's asshole rooster came into my yard, and my dog got it. Feathers every-fucking-where."

Mary: "We'll see you soon."

Mrs. McDonald: "The bird had it coming, too. I mean, every day he struts around on top of MY fence like he fucking owns the place, and taunts Bitsy. If he was stupid enough to come down to the ground, he deserves whatever she did to him."

Mary: "..."

Mrs. McDonald: "My goats saw the whole thing. They were probably cheering for Bitsy the whole time. And then, when I finally got the damn bird away from Bitsy, and it was still alive, I handed it over the fence to the bitch owner. And you know what she said? She said that if he dies, I owe her a new rooster. The hell I do."

Mary: "I..."

Mrs. McDonald: "I told her she could get her ass over and clean up the feathers that are all over my yard. If it's her bird, then they're her feathers, aren't they? So she better have them all picked up and gone when I get home."

Mary: "Okay..."

Mrs. McDonald: "Anyway, I can show you the pictures of the feathers and the bird when I get there to prove I'm telling the truth. I took a lot of them for evidence, because, you know, this is probably going to end up in front of Judge Wapner or something. I'll be at your place in a few."

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