Genetics 101

Dr. Grumpy: "Any illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Gezundheit: (sneezes, blows nose) "Yeah, I caught this cold from my wife."

Today's featured gift #1

Today I'm presenting 2 gifts to wrap up this year's guide. A big "THANK YOU!" to all who sent in ideas. If yours didn't make it, don't despair. I'm saving some for posts over the year. Feel free to keep sending them, because I'm planning on doing this again next year. It's you guys who make it fun to write this.

And now, on to the gifts!


I have plenty of patients with migraines. I do my best to treat them. I have an arsenal of medications to work with.

But, if you prefer more touchy-feely ways of treating them, there's now this:



Yes, they are what you see: Goggles you strap to your face, with moving magnets on stems that rub you around your eyes. Batteries are even included!

Last week I polled 10 random migraine patients who came to the office, and all of them thought this gadget looked closer to being a torture chamber than a migraine treatment. One said "It looks like an iron maiden for the face!"

Today's featured gift #2

Do you miss your college apartment, with the leaky toilet that spontaneously flushed every hour (sometimes more)? Neither do I.

But if you do, now you can buy a clock that will recreate the experience!




Yes, for only $24.98 you can recreate that "cheap apartment with the alcoholic repairman who can never fix the damn thing" feel. Clock does not include rodents, sexually loud neighbors, or intoxicated roommate listening to Metallica at 3:00 a.m.

Injuries

Mrs. Neck came in for a routine follow-up today, hobbling with her left foot in a cast.


Dr. Grumpy: "Good heavens! What happened?"

Mrs. Neck: "I broke my foot."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry. How did it happen?"

Mrs. Neck: "I was unpacking after our trip, and dropped the first aid kit on it."

And don't let them drink out of the toilet, either.

I'd like to thank Webhill, who noticed this at her doctor's office.

Today's featured gift

Maybe you're a bank robber with sensitive skin. Or Al-Queda has been recruiting you, but your delicate complexion can't handle the Afghanistan sun. Or you're a radiologist who shies away from that big yellow ball in the sky outside your nice, dark reading room.

Fortunately, Coolibar has a line of sun protection with people like you in mind.

Help! I'm being attacked by a giant spider!

Mary's desk, December 21, 2010

(Lady walks up to the counter, signs in)

Mary: "Um, your appointment was at 9:00, and it's now 9:28. I'm afraid we won't be able to see you."

Mrs. Notontime: "That's ridiculous. I'm here. You have to see me."

Mary: "I'm sorry. Dr. Grumpy tries to run on time, and has already started with his 9:30. Today is packed, but I can get you in on Thursday."

Mrs. Notontime: "This is illegal. You are in violation of state law, which defines being late for an appointment as more than 30 minutes. Therefore, at 28 minutes, I'm not late."

Mary: "Ma'am there is no such state law, and you're not going to be seen."

Mrs. Notontime: "I'm reporting you to the governor!"

(leaves)

Christmas catalogs

So many catalogs feature idyllic holiday scenes. Usually there's a Christmas tree in the middle, with presents piled under it. A few toys. Children playing in the background. Some mistletoe and holly. A fireplace. All trying to get you to order junk for people you don't like.

So why should a science supply company be any different? Shouldn't they have a holiday catalog, too?

(click to enlarge)





Because if finding a skull or anatomically-correct partially-dissected torso under a tree doesn't say "Merry Christmas!", I don't know what does.*

* Depending on the location of the tree. If it's one in your front yard, that isn't good.

Modern education

Mr. Phud: "I'm a college professor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, what do you teach?"

Mr. Phud: "Auto repair, financial planning, and photography."

Today's featured gift

"Hey, where should I put this quarter?"

We all like saving money, but it's important to have a bank.

And what could be more tasteful than one that allows you to stick it in a rectum, then farts when you do?




Makes a great gift for your proctologist!

Worst Christmas Story Ever

It's been 4 years since a friend sent me this holiday story.

I think it's time to share it with you guys.

Click here.

That's why they call it a stroke

Although I'm not on call, I somehow ended up getting dragged in to the hospital last night to do a consult.

Mr. Onan: "... Then my right arm just went limp, like a dead weight. I couldn't move it at all."

Dr. Grumpy: "What were you doing when this started?"

Mr. Onan: "I was, um, you know..."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I don't."

Mr. Onan: "Um... I was masturbating."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh! Okay. So, when the right arm stopped working, what happened?"

Mr. Onan: "I switched to my left."

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!! When did you call 911?"

Mr. Onan: "After I finished. Look, doc, Viagra is expensive, and I didn't want it to go to waste."

Things you won't find for Kindle

Finding a good book can be tricky, even in this era of giant bookstores, online bookstores, and e-Book readers.

Until now.

Thanks to a remarkable website, it is now possible to get such intriguing volumes as:


A Popular History of British Seaweeds

The Armpit of Desire

Blessed are the Cheesemakers

How to make your own sex toys

Menopop- A menopause pop-up and activity book



"Wow! Where can I find such amazing titles" You ask? Click here.

Operators are standing by!