I prefer to check the old fashioned way, thank you

Yesterday Local Radiology Place brought lunch. I wanted to hear about their new MRI, but the sales rep was determined to give Dr. Pissy and I her complete sales pitch about everything. Of course, that covers a lot, so she was talking incredibly fast. At one point she threw out this line:

"Doctors, our new digital mammogram system is extremely accurate at determining the presence or absence of breasts, and is faster than previous methods of doing so."

Concerned children

I picked up the kids from school and headed home.

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, gang, listen up. Mom had to go home sick from work today, and is not feeling well. So when we get home, she's probably in bed. I want you guys to be VERY quiet when we go in the house."

(long pause)

Craig: "Dad, I have a question."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Craig: "So Mom is already at home?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes."

Craig: "Then can I get my potato chips out of her car?"

Lost in translation

Yesterday I saw a nice lady, who spoke reasonably good English, but her primary language was French.

So she was accompanied by her niece, who said she was here to translate.

I only speak English. And guess what? So does the niece!

Her idea of "translating" was like the old SNL "News for the Deaf" skit. Like this:

Dr. Grumpy: "Where is the pain?"

Ms. Niece: (pulling on patient's sleeve and shouting in her ear) "THE DOCTOR WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOUR PAIN IS?!!!"

This went on for an hour. The patient spoke good English, and could hear perfectly well. By the end of the appointment I think we were both ready to strangle the niece.

Sorry, dude

I hear some great excuses, and Mrs. Grumpy hears more. Some are less believable than others.

But, look dude, if you're in a car by yourself, AND the cops find a bag of cocaine crammed in your butt, it's really not going to fly to claim it ain't yours.

Like this guy.

I'd like to thank my reader Lee for submitting this.

Get down! Get funky! Get green!

I'd like to thank The Mother for sending this in.

Yes, the economy is getting better, but I think we're all looking for ways to save money. Of course, we all want to be environmentally conscious, too.

So here's a truly heartwarming (or whatever you're warming) story of how a brothel is giving clients who ride a bike there a discount. Isn't that nice?

To read the article, click here.

Nice job, ad agency

While catching up on journals this weekend I found this ad, featuring a June Cleaver (ideal American mom, circa 1950's) knock-off. To me, it seems June is unlikely (not impossible, but unlikely) to be this guy's mother. But hey, that's just me.

(click to enlarge)

The aliens have landed!

Our house has white carpet everywhere. We didn't pick it out, it was that way when we bought it. So, with 3 kids and 3 dogs, it's gradually become more of a tan color, with spots of varying origins.

But never fear, we have a Spotbot. The miracle of modern housecleaning that targets one small circular area with it's cleaning powers.

Yesterday, Mrs. Grumpy had a bunch of errands, and was gone most of the day. She asked if I'd do something about the large number of food/crayon/who-knows-what stains in one room.

So I got the Spotbot out and attacked the areas. I thought it went pretty well. It returned the stained area to their original whiteness, without too much work on my part.

Mrs. Grumpy got home, and was not as impressed with my work as I was. While she agreed that I had, indeed, done a good job of whitening the affected areas, she wasn't happy with the overall results.





I tried telling her that I took the kids to a movie, and that crop-circle making aliens had invaded and been working on a smaller scale in our home.

She didn't buy it.

2010 Ig Nobel Prizes

Okay, Grumpyites. In the interest of science, I'm devoting today to the recent Ig Nobel prizes.

For those who don't know, the Ig Nobels are awarded to real research which is, um, more unusual than that typically considered for Nobel prizes.

If you missed the 2009 Ig Nobel awards, click here. They featured studies on the solidity of beer bottles vs. skulls, the ability to make diamonds from tequila, and a bra that could convert to a gas mask in an emergency.

The 2010 Ig Nobels included research on oral sex in bats, techniques for collecting boogers from whales using a remote-controlled helicopter, and a special award to British Petroleum for disproving the long held belief that "oil and water don't mix".

To read these, and many more, click here.

Thank you to everyone who sent in links for this.

Reasons I love my patients

Today a patient came in for the first time since she had a baby. We had this exchange:


Mrs. Kidz: "I've got a boy and a girl now, and I'm done."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you get your tubes tied?"

Mrs Kidz: "That's what my OB did, but it's not exactly what I wanted. I'd specifically told him to tie my tubes, then crush and burn them, then use tractors to pull them as far apart as possible, and scatter the pieces to the 4 winds. But all he did was tie them."

I laughed VERY hard.

Did you bring a sleeping bag?

Guy comes in, stands at front desk.

Mary: "Hi, can I help you?"

Mr. Kampout: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy next week."

Mary: "Okay..."

Mr. Kampout: "Can I be seen today or tomorrow instead?"

Mary: "Let me see... No we're all filled up, but I can call you if someone cancels."

Mr. Kampout "Thank you. Can I wait here until then?"

Dear Mr. Winkie,

I try to be prompt, and run my schedule on time. I really do. Most of my patients are used to that, but you're new to my practice.

So I understand you bringing something to read. People often do, as the assortment of People, Newsweek, Home & Garden, and other lobby magazines can be boring. So I see people with books, newspapers, knitting stuff, Nintendos, laptops, and such to pass the time.

But if you're going to bring something to your next visit, please DON'T make it another issue of Penthouse.

I've got nothing against porn specifically. If that floats your boat, more power to you. But reading it in my lobby, where one of my patients had her kids, didn't make for the calm and tranquil environment Dr. Pissy and I try to cultivate.

So next time, just stick with the Newsweek or Glamour* issues in my lobby.

Thank you.

(*we Seinfeld fans know who we are, huh?)

Yes, that's a very common disease

I was doing an online medical survey this morning, and encountered this question:

(click to enlarge)

Important safety measures

Mrs. Klumsy: "I used to fall when going down stairs, but I was able to stop that."

Dr. Grumpy: "How did you stop it?"

Mrs. Klumsy" "Now I only walk down them with my eyes open."

Detective work

Dr. Grumpy: "So what kind of symptoms are you having?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Didn't Dr. Imed send you a note?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. Are you hurting somewhere?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Yes."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where are you hurting?"

Mr. Papyrus: "It said in his note."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, but where do YOU remember the pain being?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Wherever Dr. Imed told you it is."

Dr. Grumpy: "How long has it been hurting?"

Mr. Papyrus: "How long has what been hurting?"

(long pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "By any chance did Dr. Imed think you were having memory problems?"

Mr. Papyrus: "Maybe. That sounds familiar. Why? Did you find the note?"