Dear Mrs. Crest,

We're sorry you had to cancel your appointment this morning, but it was understandable. I have kids, too, and sometimes they have medical/dental emergencies that screw up your whole schedule for the day.

So I understand having to take your daughter to the dentist urgently. I'm sorry she had to get a filling, but at least it's nothing serious.

I trust you. I'm not penalizing you for this sort of emergency. It happens. So there was no need to email a picture of your kid's new dental filling to Mary.




For future reference, please don't send pictures. Especially if they involve an urgent visit to a proctologist.

Thank you,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.

Just Shoot Me

Miss Pill: "I can't stand the side effects, and it's not helping. I don't want to take it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, let me write out a schedule to taper off it."

(scribbles on paper)

Dr. Grumpy: "All right, have a look at this. You'll drop to 2 pills a day for a week, then 1 a day for a week, then stop. So you'll be off it in 2 weeks."

Miss Pill: "TWO WEEKS?!!! I can't do 2 weeks! I have to take it at least 3 more months."

Dr. Grumpy: "You just said you wanted to be off it. Why do you have to take it for 2 more months?"

Miss Pill: "I just paid $25 for a 3 month supply. I don't want them to go to waste."

News that leaves me speechless

I'd like to thank The Mother, who submitted this truly remarkable news story from the Emerald Isle over the weekend.





www.herald.ie
By Andrew Phelan
Wednesday June 23, 2010

A REVELLER at a fancy dress party in one of Dublin's best known gay bars attacked her ex-girlfriend in a row over a novelty wrestler's suit.

Sandra Talbot (32) assaulted her ex-partner with a bottle she had hidden under her costume in a fit of rage at the George pub, after more than a year of acrimony following their break-up.

A court heard she lashed out at victim Adrienne Martin in a row that started over a novelty sumo wrestler's suit that Talbot was wearing. The row developed as the victim tried to wave at a man dressed as a Snickers bar, the court heard.

Ms Martin told Dublin District Court how she was left with a large lump on her temple and still suffered from panic attacks because of the incident.

RUINED

Talbot denied any physical contact happened and said Ms Martin had "ruined her life".

Convicting her and fining her €400, Judge Catherine Murphy said she hoped the accused and the "loosely linked group of friends" who had become involved in the court case could put it behind them.

Talbot, of Greenfort Close, Clondalkin, had pleaded not guilty to common assault on Ms Martin at the George on George's Street on Halloween night, 2008.

Ms Martin told the court she was out for the first time in several months, following the death of her sister from a brain aneurysm.

She had been in an on-off relationship with Talbot for three years which had ended in March 2007. During the evening Talbot, who was wearing an inflatable sumo suit, bumped into her. When she turned around, the accused said to her: "Keep smiling, c**t."

Later, a man dressed as a Snickers bar began waving at her and when she went to wave back, Talbot pushed her arm from behind. When she asked what the problem was, Talbot said: "Your arm's in my way."

When she again asked what her problem was, Talbot "flipped" and started screaming abuse at her.

Ms Martin's friend Suzanne Bowes got in between them. Talbot was saying something about Ms Martin's dead sister that she could not hear over the music so she turned her head to listen.

"The next thing, I got a blow to the left side of my head beside the temple," Ms Martin said. "My knees went from under me and I went down. She walked away, laughing and sneering at me. I had a massive lump on the side of my head."

Ms Martin said she saw a Smirnoff Ice bottle fly from the defendant's sleeve. The State solicitor said the prosecution had no evidence that a bottle was used in the assault other than Ms Martin's word.

The accused was escorted out and had to be asked to partially deflate her costume so she could get out the door.

To read the rest of the story, click here.

Grumpus Interruptus

Okay, gang, just a warning. The internet people are allegedly coming out sometime today to try and fix the on-off net problems that have vexed me for the last few weeks. They've told me I may not have access over the weekend. So I may not be able to post for a few days. If I can, I will, but I just don't know.

"You're all grounded! No, not you kids."

Parent brawl erupts at kindergarten graduation

Jun. 24, 2010 08:34 AM
Associated Press

VICTORVILLE, Calif. - Brawling parents interrupted a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony.

School officials placed Puesta del Sol Elementary in desert Victorville on lockdown Wednesday morning after a fight broke out among a group of parents.

San Bernardino County sheriff's spokeswoman Karen Hunt says witnesses told deputies several mothers were involved in a verbal argument and it got physical in a field near the ceremony. Several men then jumped into the fray and the incident turned into a brawl.

To read the rest of this story, click here.

Got Cheese?

I'd like to thank my readers JLG and Tracey, both of whom submitted this.


Police: Naked Man Found With Stolen Cheese At Library

Officer Says Man Bathing While Nude In Mens Restroom

WLWT.com News
POSTED: 3:50 pm EDT June 24, 2010

(Cincinnati) Police arrested a man Wednesday evening accused of being naked at the library with a bag full of stolen cheese.

An off-duty police officer working security at the downtown branch of the Cincinnati Public Library said he found 52-year-old Darrell Bess washing himself in the nude about 5:30 p.m. in the men's restroom.

When officers searched his bag, they said they found a knife, a razor, two stolen DVDs and 4 pounds of stolen Parmesan cheese.

To read the rest of this article, click here.

Better living through chemistry

Dr. Grumpy: "How's your tremor been since we started the new medication?"

Mr. Shakin: "Much better, in a lot of ways."

Dr. Grumpy: "Can you give me an example?"

Mr. Shakin: "I used to have to ask my wife to unzip me to pee, but now I can do it myself."

1/4 cup milk, 1/4 cup butter, cheese sauce mix, Kung Fu lessons...

Cops: Siblings brawl over butter in mac & cheese

Associated Press
Jun. 23, 2010 02:33 PM

WATERVILLE, Wash. – An argument over butter in a macaroni and cheese recipe churned into violence between a brother and sister.

A 21-year-old man called police to say his 17-year-old sister tried to cut his neck with the serrated edge of a spatula

The police report said the sister was making macaroni and cheese when her brother asked if she was using butter. That led to an argument over the difference between butter and margarine, which escalated.

To read the rest of this article, click here.

Heard in the elevator

At the end of another exciting office day I got into the elevator. I barely noticed the young woman in there until she began talking on her cell phone.

"Hi, honey. Yeah, he says he can make them bigger. Umm, I don't know. How big do you think?"

Survey fun

Doing a phone survey on a drug in development this morning, and was asked this question:

"Doctor, if the drug was found to cause cataracts in dogs, but not in rats, how would this affect your prescribing?"

And yes, my practice is only limited to humans.

Tuesday night patient devotion phone message

"Hi, this is Cindy Buzz. I see Dr. Grumpy for my headaches, and he ordered an MRI. It was supposed to have been done at 4:00 this afternoon, but it was such a nice day I was driving there with my windows down, and I passed an area where they were destroying a hive, and a bunch of bees flew into my car and stung me all over and I had some kind of a reaction and lost control of my car and hit a light pole and paramedics came and I've been admitted to St. Hymenoptera's Hospital so they can watch me overnight. Can someone please call me tomorrow so I can reschedule the MRI? Thank you."

I'm an awesome doc!

You've seen it, somewhere.

Every city in America, and likely the world, has a local magazine. And once a year, that magazine publishes a "Best Docs" issue, usually listing 10 doctors from each specialty who they consider the best of the best.

Dr. Grumpy, for the record, is not biased against this. I've been named a "Best Doc" in my field several times.

And I know most of the other neurologists on the list. Some of them are very good (likely better than me) but there are always a few doctors on the list who I know are incompetent, or even dangerous. Yet, they somehow made the list, too. And there are always quite a few damn good neurologists who never make the list at all.

So how does this happen?

It's hard to judge doctors. Even good doctors get sued, and have medical board complaints against them. I have a lot of patients who love me. And some who hate me and think I'm incompetent. You can't predict the vagaries of human chemistry.

Most of these magazines try to poll doctors. They send out ballots to local docs, and ask us to write down our favorites for each specialty. So to some extent it's really just a popularity contest. Other magazines have patients vote. Generally, an incompetent doctor with his name out there, doing TV and newspaper interviews, seems to be more likely to get votes then a competent person quietly toiling away in an obscure practice.

So what does it mean to be a "Best Doc" like yours truly? It's flattering, but here's what really happens:

I find out that I'm in the coveted issue about 1 month before it goes to press. This is because someone from the magazine calls me, to tell me that I made it, and (more to the point) ask me if I'd like to buy advertising space in the issue to complement my name being in it. No, thanks.

A few weeks later the magazine calls back, this time to see how many copies of the famous issue I'd like to buy, to give to friends, family, employees, patients, anyone. No, thanks. I subscribe to the mag, anyway, for my lobby, so I get one copy as it is. And that's enough.

Then the magazine hits the stands. A few things happen:

1. I get calls and letters from companies trying to sell me a plaque, framed copy of the issue, or something else to hang on my office wall to let people know I made "Best Docs". All at a special price of only $49.95 up to $199.95 (depending on what materials and how much bling I choose for my "limited edition" item). No, thanks.

2. I get calls and letters from investment companies, stock brokers, insurance salesmen, and financial planners, congratulating me on my recognition and wanting to meet with me to discuss my financial health, since obviously anyone who's on the "Best Docs" list must have a shitload of cash lying around. They even offer to take me to lunch. Sorry, guys, but whether or not we make "Best Docs" is immaterial to how much a doc really makes. And the reality of most docs today is that we're lucky to support our families. So no, thanks.

3. I get calls and letters from my city's professional sports teams, telling me that as a "Best Doc" my life isn't complete until I buy season tickets. This year a team offered me a free pair of nosebleed seats in exchange for me attending a 30 minute sales presentation on the benefits of season tickets. No, thanks.

4. A few patients see my name in the magazine and call for an appointment.

This is always the scariest bunch. I know it's not easy to find a good doc, but if you're coming to me just because Local Magazine said so, you'd do better asking your own doctor, or friends, for names.

In general, the patients who come to me solely on the magazine's referral are some of the most dreaded ones in my practice. Why? Because they've almost always been through several previous neurologists who weren't able to fix them. But, by a leap of reasoning, they assume that Dr. Grumpy, because he made the "Best Docs" issue, will be THE doctor who can reverse their 30 years of chronic pain. Who can cure Grandma's Alzheimer's disease. Who can work some incredible miracle that 7 previous, perfectly competent, neurologists were unable to. Nope. And then they get angry when they find out I'm no more of a miracle worker than the other docs were.

And what happens to the 1 copy of the magazine that I do subscribe to?

In past years I used to save them. Take them home, put them in a pile of stuff. I have no idea why. At some point I realized they were just a bunch of old magazines, and tossed them in the recycling can.

The 1 copy that comes here is glanced through by me, Dr. Pissy, and our staffs for a day or two, to see who else made the list. Then it joins the other magazines in the lobby.

And within 2 days of being put out there, it disappears. Taken by an unknown patient.

And that's what it means to be a "Best Doc".

MEOW!!!

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had any falls since your last visit?"

Mr. Balenz: "One, but it was my fault. I wasn't using my cane properly."

Dr. Grumpy: "How were you using it?"

Mr. Balenz: "I was hitting the rose bushes with it, to try and get the cat to come out."

Bad drug rep mornings

A drug rep I like came in this morning with a tray of muffins. I went up to say "hi" and sign for samples. Mary was chatting with her.

Mary: "Did you get contacts?"

Cindy Pharma: "No. My kids broke my glasses over the weekend, and I can't find my spare pair. I have to order new glasses today. I can see fine for driving, but can't read at all."

Annie: "Well, thank you for the muffins."

Cindy Pharma: "You're welcome. You guys enjoy them. I swung by Costco and got some of their chocolate muffins, I figured you guys could use some chocolate to start the week."

Cindy left, and we took the muffins back to the break room. Mary took a big bite, and almost choked.

Cindy was right. She can't read without her glasses at all. They were bran.