On call. And they do call.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Miss Myelin: "Yeah, I see Dr. Cortex for my MS, and I woke up today with blurry vision, and I can barely walk."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you had this before?"

Miss Myelin: "No, it's new. When my MS acts up Dr. Cortex usually admits me to the hospital for IV steroids."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's standard. I think you need to go to ER, and I'll likely admit you."

Miss Myelin: "Are you kidding? I don't have time for that shit."

Dr. Grumpy: "Excuse me?"

Miss Myelin "I don't have time for that. Can I schedule them for next week, like Wednesday or Thursday?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I suppose, but you'll have to call Dr. Cortex on Monday and... Look, if you're not going to let me help you, why did you even call on the weekend, anyway?"

Miss. Myelin: "Because I thought it might need urgent treatment."

Insanity

A grateful patient brought me a box of chocolates yesterday. So I took it home to share with my kids.

I got home, and they were all excited. You'd think they'd never seen freakin' chocolates before.

I opened the box, and they all peered in. I said they could each take one.

And immediately, a fight broke out.

Did they fight over who got the first candy? No.

Did they fight over who got which candy? No.

They fought over who got the bubble-wrap packaging.

Do you need a prescription for that?

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you take any other medications?"

Mr. Nike: "Umm... I like jogging."

I'm going to change my undies now

I'm with a patient. My cell phone rings. It's the most dreaded caller ID of all: Mrs. Grumpy.


Dr. Grumpy: "Hello?"

Mrs. Grumpy: "Hey, can you pick up Craig on the way home? He's at the police station."

Dr. Grumpy: "OMG! WHAT HAPPENED?!!!"

Mrs. Grumpy: "Nothing. The Boy Scouts are touring it today. I told you that last night."

(long pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes. I knew that."

Mrs. Grumpy: "Idiot."

I'm not that crazy. Yet.

Like most doctors, we have a sign-in sheet. It's not much, people just write their names and the time they arrived.

Mary usually tosses the old one and puts out a new sheet for the next day when she leaves at night, but forgot to yesterday.

So today's first patient comes in, and looks at this long sign-in list of patients seen between 8:00 and 5:00. And she looks at Mary and says "Oh, I had no idea you guys were working night hours now. That would be better for my schedule, too."

Bon voyage

The following message was left on my office voice mail over lunch hour:

"Hi! This is Cindy Scatterbrain! I forgot to call you guys last week, but I'm leaving for France tonight on a 3 month exchange program and so I'll need 3 months of my epilepsy medicine, whatever it's called. Can you guys call that in to my pharmacy ASAP? Or, I'll be near your office later today so do you have 3 months of samples I could pick up? Or if you can't do that, do you guys know a pharmacy in France you could call it to and I'll pick it up when I get there? Thank you!"

Early Wednesday Rounds

I was at the hospital this morning, seeing a new stroke patient.

The head CT was read as normal yesterday afternoon, but when I looked at it I thought there was a stroke on the left side. And I didn't trust the person who'd read it, so I called the night radiologist (who I do trust).

Dr. Radar: "Night desk."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hey, it's Grumpy. I'm looking at the head CT on Mrs. Stroke. It was read yesterday as normal, but I think there's a stroke on the left."

Dr. Radar: "Hang on... No, that's not a stroke. If you look at the other images, it's just artifact."

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you sure? It really looks like a stroke to me."

Dr. Radar: "Positive. Definitely artifact."


I disagreed, but it's his specialty, and I respect him. I got off the phone and began writing my note. About a minute later a nurse came over to say Dr. Radar had called back looking for me.


Dr. Grumpy: "Grumpy."

Dr. Radar: "Yeah, it's Radar again. Did you say the thing on the right or the left?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Left".

Dr. Radar: "Sorry, I thought you said right. Oh yeah, that's definitely a stroke on the left."

Foot, meet mouth

Mrs. Sadd: "I'm sorry I'm late, my husband and I just got back from Hawaii last night."

Dr. Grumpy: "Awesome! That's a fun trip! What did you guys do while you were there?"

Mrs. Sadd: "We went to my father's funeral."

Think green

I was out of syringes and needles, so I ordered some.

They came in cardboard boxes that said "Made from recycled materials."

I really hope they mean the boxes...

Wow! What a great policy!

I noticed this authorization in a patient's chart yesterday. Isn't it awesome?

The patient is only 44, and yet his insurance has been covering him for over 110 years, just waiting for his visit with me earlier this year.


(click to enlarge)

Monday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, let me get an MRI form... Are you claustrophobic?"

Mr. Bakpayn: "I don't think so. Can I take a blood test to find out?"

Mary's Desk, March 22, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss GPS: "Yeah, where are you? I'm here for my appointment, in building 1."

Mary: "We're in suite 605."

Miss GPS: "Okay, I'll be right up" (click).


1 minute later


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss GPS: "Yeah, your door is locked, and there's no sign on it?"

Mary: "Are you at suite 605? The door is open."

Miss GPS: "Crap, I'm at 505, sorry, hang on" (click).


1 minute later


Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Miss GPS: "There is no 605 in building 1!"

Mary: "Ma'am I promise you there is."

Miss GPS: "There's only a plastic surgeon and a huge cardiology office up here".

Mary: "You must be in building 4."

Miss GPS: "I AM? How do you know? Are you tracking me on Google or something?"

Mary: "That's where the cardiology practice is. We're in building 1."

Miss: GPS: "When did you move there?".

Mary: "We've been here since 1998."

Miss: GPS: "That can't be! Downstairs it says this building was built in 2005".

Mary: "You're in building 4! It was! We are in 1! Look, you need to get here soon, or the doctor won't have time to see you!"

Miss: GPS: "I'm coming! What building did you say you're in?".

Mary: "Building 1. Go out the front entrance of building 4, turn left and go..."

Miss: GPS: "You don't need to lecture me! I have my own GPS unit, so I won't get lost!"

(click).

Sunday night, 7:45 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Phone: "Yeah, I see you for epilepsy, and I take Tegretol. Anyway, I'm in Outofstate City, and I left all my pills back in Grumpytown."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, how long has it been since your last dose?"

Mr. Phone: "Um... I've been here since last Sunday, so I guess it's been a week."

Dr. Grumpy: "A WEEK?!!! Have you had any seizures?"

Mr. Phone: "No."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, is there a pharmacy I can call some Tegretol into for you?"

Mr. Phone: "No, I don't know any here. I'm at the airport, at the gate, so I really can't leave, either."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where are you heading now?"

Mr. Phone: "I'm flying back to Grumpytown tonight. My flight leaves in about 40 minutes."

(long pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Let me get this straight. You've been without Tegretol for a week. In Outofstate City. And you didn't call me until now, 3 hours before you get back to your home pill supply. And you did this knowing that there is really no way for me to easily call in a refill for you."

Mr. Phone: "Er, yeah, that's about it. There was a magazine lying here, and to kill time I began reading it, and there was an article about how important it was to take your medications as prescribed."

This is Mrs. Grumpy

Due to my husband pretending to be sick, so I had to cancel the babysitter tonight, posting has been temporarily suspended.

He is pretending to be barfing, pretending to be achy, and pretending to have a fever (I think he had the thermometer in Snowball's ass before putting it in his own mouth to fake that one).

Okay, so he's not really faking (it sure sounded better, though). But anyway, I'm not allowing him anywhere near the computer until he's unlikely to puke on it.

I need him healthy and back to work so he can continue to support my lavish school-nurse lifestyle. And because Mary pulls her hair out if she has to reschedule a whole day of patients. And we don't want her to be bald.