Monday, February 8, 2010

Monday morning, 12:45 a.m.

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Hmmm."

Tap tap tap

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmm... Frank, what do you need?"

Frank: "Dad, can I turn on your lamp? I want to show you something."

Dr. Grumpy: "It's the middle of night. What do you..."

CLICK! AAAAAHHHHH! BRIGHT LIGHT!

Dr. Grumpy: "Holy crap, Frank! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD?!!"

Frank: "I gave myself a haircut!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, yes. Why on Earth did you do that?"

Frank: "I couldn't sleep."

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sunday, 1:18 p.m.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Pigskin: "Yeah, um, you see my wife for seizures, and she's had 3 today. Big ones, I mean, she bit her tongue a lot, and now I can't get her to wake up. She's breathing and all, but..."

Dr. Grumpy: "That sounds serious. You need to call 911, or take her to ER immediately."

Mr. Pigskin: "Really? Um... Okay..."

Dr. Grumpy: "Have them take her to Local Hospital, and I'll see her there, and they have all her records."

Mr. Pigskin: "How long will this take? I mean, the Superbowl is today, and..."

Dr. Grumpy: "This is very serious! You need to get her to ER NOW!"

Mr. Pigskin: "Do they have TV's in the ER there?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes!"

Mr. Pigskin: "What do I tell my buddies? They were gonna come over, and I mean, she's starting to wake up, and oh, she's seizing again."

Dr. Grumpy: "You stay right there. I have your address, and I'm calling 911 now for you."

Mr. Pigskin: "Cool, thanks, doc. That's a lot of help. Hey do you want to come over and watch the game?"

May I take your order?

So last night we went to La Enchilada Grande for dinner.

I ordered the enchilada platter, and perky waitress says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

Whatever. Our dinner goes on. A few minutes later I hear a lady across the aisle order a taco salad, and Ms. Perky says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

And a few minutes later a new group was seated in the booth behind us. A guy ordered the Grande Chimichanga, and Ms. Perky, of course, says "That's a good choice. My dad over there just ordered it, too."

Now, granted I wasn't really watching where she was pointing with "over there", but I can only come up with 3 options:

1. She's full of shit.

2. Her Dad has a huge appetite.

3. Her mother was remarkably promiscuous, and by an amazing coincidence all of this girl's potential dads felt like Mexican food last night.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

My readers write

Patients drive doctors nuts, and doctors drive patients nuts.

But in all of that, sometimes we overlook the stupidity that can surround a visit to the doctor, where neither side is at fault.

So I'd like to think my reader Cheryl for submitting this picture.

Her husband went to see his cardiologist. After the appointment he found that the helpful parking garage staff had filled in a pothole behind his truck, and roped it off.


Food ads you don't see everyday

This was in a "healthy eating" type magazine that showed up in the office one day.


Friday, February 5, 2010

Quotable patients

"I was dizzy, but the pills made me undizzy, and I've been undizzy since."

These are not negotiations

I'm here to try and help you, people. You may not believe that, but it's true.

I'm not ordering the tests for MY benefit. They are so I can figure out what's wrong with you, and fix it.

Personally, I don't give a crap if you don't have them. That's your business. You came to me for my advice, and I'm giving it.

Don't try to negotiate with me on this. They are entirely for your benefit, not mine.

Therefore, comments like the following WILL NOT get you anywhere in Dr. Grumpy's world:

1. "I'll have the brain MRI, but ONLY if you'll waive my co-pay."

2. "Okay, I'll do the CT scan, but you have to pay whatever my insurance won't cover."

3. "If the labs are that important I'll get them, on the condition that you order some for my husband, too, because he's due and doesn't want to see his internist."

4. "You can do the test, but only if the MRI place agrees not to charge for it."

And my personal favorite:

5. "I'll only let you do the tests if you'll double my monthly Percocet."

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Hey, who doesn't?

Dr. Grumpy: "Any other medical issues?"

Mr. Medical: "I have blood pressure."

Dr. Grumpy: High or low blood pressure?'

Mr. Medical: "No, just blood pressure."

Thank heavens!

When you're waiting for your 8:00 new patient, and out the window you see 2 cops escorting a HUGE guy in an orange prison jumpsuit, with cuffs on his hands and wrists, into your office building...

It's a great sense of relief to see them take him into someone else's office.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Attention patients!

If your ringtone is a fart, please silence it before entering my office.

If it wasn't your ringtone, and you only said that to cover yourself, please go change your underwear.

Beats my hot tub articles

Mr. Shakes: "Is there anything new out there, doc? I try to keep up on changes in the field."

Dr. Grumpy: "Oh, what do you read?"

Mr. Shakes: "The obituaries."

Um, I, uh, my answer is...

I was doing an internet medical study this morning. It featured this question:


You are a (please check only one):

A. Neurologist
B. Cardiologist
C. Other medical practitioner
D. Male
E. Female

February 3, 1959

(briefly going off my usual topics)

The day the music died.

On this day in 1959, a plane crash claimed the lives of singers Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, JP "The Big Bopper" Richardson, and pilot Roger Peterson).

Don McLean, in one of the greatest songs ever written, summarized the tragedy, and in a truly remarkable collection of words told the story of American music from the 1950's to 1969.


A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while.

But February made me shiver
With every paper I'd deliver.
Bad news on the doorstep;
I couldn't take one more step.

I can't remember if I cried
When I read about his widowed bride,
But something touched me deep inside
The day the music died.

So bye-bye, Miss American Pie.
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye
Singing, "this'll be the day that I die.
"This'll be the day that I die."

Did you write the Book of Love?
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
And do you believe in rock and roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Well, I know that you're in love with him
`Cause I saw you dancin' in the gym.
You both kicked off your shoes.
Man, I dig those rhythm and blues.

I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck
With a pink carnation and a pickup truck,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day the music died.

I started singin',
Bye-bye, Miss American Pie.
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
This'll be the day that I die"

Now for ten years we've been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rolling stone,
But that's not how it used to be.
When the Jester sang for the King and Queen,
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
In a voice that came from you and me,

Oh, and while the King was looking down,
The Jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while Lennon read a book on Marx,
The Quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

We were singing,
Bye-bye, Miss American Pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
This'll be the day that I die."

Helter Skelter in a summer swelter.
The Byrds flew off with a fallout shelter,
Eight miles high and falling fast.
It landed foul on the grass.
The players tried for a forward pass,
With the Jester on the sidelines in a cast.

Now the half-time air was sweet perfume
While the Sergeants played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
`cause the players tried to take the field;
The marching band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the music died?

We started singing,
"bye-bye, Miss American Pie."
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"This'll be the day that I die."

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack Flash sat on a candlestick
'Cause fire is the devil's only friend.

Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No angel born in hell
Could break that Satan's spell.

And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw Satan laughing with delight
The day the music died

He was singing,
"Bye-bye, Miss American Pie."
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"This'll be the day that I die."

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just smiled and turned away.
I went down to the sacred store
Where I'd heard the music years before,
But the man there said the music wouldn't play.

And in the streets the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died.

And they were singing,
"Bye-bye, Miss American pie."
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die.
"this'll be the day that I die."

They were singing,
"bye-bye, Miss American Pie."
Drove my Chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye
Singin', "this'll be the day that I die."

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Mary's Desk, February 2, 2010

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Doofus: "Yes, I need to make an appointment to see Dr. Grumpy."

Mary: "Okay, let's see... We can see you tomorrow afternoon at 3:00?"

Ms. Doofus: "That won't work. I need mornings, before 9:00. I do a day-care center out of my house, and have about 20 kids until 6:00 p.m."

Mary: "Hmm, our mornings are filled until next week, how about next Monday at 8:00 a.m.?"

Ms. Doofus: "I'd really like to get in this week."

Mary: "I'm sorry, but afternoons are all we have left this week."

Ms. Doofus: "Well, I guess I can do tomorrow. There's only 20 kids, can I bring them and have your staff watch them for me?"
 
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