Seen in a chart

The Master

In the 1980's Mojo Nixon claimed "Elvis is Everywhere." While anyone who visits Vegas might concur, I have to disagree.

Here, at Grumpy Neurology, Yoda is everywhere.

Sure, he may be in many disguises, but even a Jedi Master can't hide that characteristic language pattern from a trained DoC* like me.

The following are quotes I've encountered:

From patients:

"Twenty-one headaches I had in May. Many migraines that is."

"Make the seizures stop, can you?"

"I tried to talk, but speech-wise, I could not." 

"Much pain my back does have."

"Forgot you also this, Topamax, work it did not."


In an MRI report:

"Nothing abnormal does the MRI show."


From a nurse:

"Ativan received at 8:00, she did."


From a drug rep:

"Reduction in pain they will have, yes."


From my secretary:

"3:15 tomorrow his appointment is."


And (my favorite) was this patient interaction:

Dr. Grumpy: "You really need to stop overusing Excedrin."

Lady Rebound: "It's hard, but I'll try."

Mr. Rebound: "No! Do... or do not. There is no try."


*Disciple of Charcot

Blood pressure and other things

Mrs. Methodical: "My blood pressures have been good, too."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm glad. What have they been running?"

Mrs. Methodical: "I have a list in my purse. Would you like to see it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Certainly."

She rummaged in her purse for a minute, then handed me this:

GAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Dr. Grumpy: "Any side effects with the new pill?"

Mr. P: "Only one, it makes my urine smell like something terrible."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay and what about..."

Mr. P: "I brought some, in case you want to smell it."

Pulls Tupperware container out of bag.

That's a wrap, folks

With the school year down to it's final 2 weeks, I'm shutting down the blog until the shouting here is over. Too much band stuff, year-end competitions, parties, and other stuff to deal with, besides my day job.

See you in a few weeks!

Texting with Frank

Mrs. Grumpy asked me to deal with dinner. Not knowing what the food status was at home, I made the mistake of asking Frank for help.

Some days... Sigh.

Phone

Mrs. Whiney was not happy.

She'd shown up 45 minutes late for her new patient appointment with no other explanation than "I have other things to do too, you know!"

Now she was not accepting that I wasn't going to see her and she'd have to reschedule for the next available slot, 2 weeks from now (and I thought I was being nice by letting her do that).

She'd berated Pissy's staff, who'd gotten Mary.

She'd been chewing out Mary, who'd finally walked away from the window and called me out from a patient room.

She was absolutely stunned when I told her I agreed with Mary, and she wasn't going to be seen today.

In an attempt to get me to give in she menacingly said "I. Want. You. To. Know. That. I'm. Calling. Dr. Stevens. And. Telling. Him. You. Treat. His. Patients. Like. This."

I smiled and wished her a good day. She pulled out her phone, knocked on the window, and asked if we could give her Dr. Steven's phone number. We ignored her.

Now it was time for her to make a scene for the rest of the lobby. And she made the critical mistake of getting her phone involved.


Mrs. Whiney: "Siri! Call Dr. Stevens!”

Siri: “There is no Dr. Stevens in your contact list.”

Mrs. Whiney: “SIRI! CALL DR. STEVENS RIGHT NOW!”

Siri: “Now playing 'Right Here Right Now' by Jesus Jones." (music starts)


Some elderly guy in my lobby and the drug rep he's never met before next to him start holding each other to keep from cracking up.


Mrs. Whiney: “SIRI! STOP THIS SONG AND CALL DR. STEVENS!”

Siri: “There is a chiropractor 1/2 mile north of you. Would you like directions?"


Drug rep starts snorting loudly and runs out of office, mumbling something about allergies.


Mrs. Whiney: “SIRI! CALL DR. STEVENS!”

Siri: “I found 3 pharmacies within two miles. Would you like me to call one of them?"


Mrs. Whiney throws her phone on the ground, picks it up, shoves it in her purse and yells "IT"S NOT FUNNY!" She storms out.

A few seconds passed before everyone in the office and lobby completely lost it and became hysterical. Including the patient who'd wandered out of my office to see why I hadn't returned.

Thrift

Dr. Grumpy: "How's the new medication working out for you?"

Mr. Pill: "Terrible! I'm nauseous all the time, have headaches, and throw up a lot!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Then let's stop it and..."

Mr. Pill: "I don't want to do that! I just bought a 90 day supply!"

Surprise!

As the school year begins wrapping up, we're moving into the next phase of the Wingnut High School marching band schedule: preparing for next season's football halftime show.

Yeah, you read that right. The next high school football season starts in 3-4 months, and so the twins and their friends are already working on the show.

So yesterday a flyer was sent home with the twins, listing all the stuff. Band camp dates. Meetings over the summer to start working on props. The theme of the show. Where to find the music to practice. Marching formations. Color guard maneuvers. Incoming freshmen orientation. Yadda yadda yadda.

About halfway down the page Mrs. Grumpy and I were surprised to find a paragraph that said “Practice marching sessions for the new steps and formations will be June 19, 25, and 29, July 7, 14, and 22, and August 12, 18, and 22. These will be held at Craig Grumpy’s house from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Bring your own water bottle. Lunch will be provided.”




CRAIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coffee

Dr. Grumpy: "Are you much of a drinker?"

Mr. Collins: "Nope. Not at all. Just coffee, but I admit I'm a caffeine junkie. I drink it all day."

Mrs. Collins: "What are you talking about? You put Baileys in your coffee all day! You even keep it in that little thermos you sneak to work!"

Mr. Collins: "That doesn't count!"

Seen in a chart

Remember medical students: taking a good family history now includes covering test conclusions, free text, and practice management, but fortunately not retardation or cancer.

Random pictures

Okay, time to hit the mailbag for stuff you guys have sent in.


First, taken in a subway, is this opportunity that could end unemployment:

 

Here's this headline, which is just begging for someone to snicker at it.

 

Then there's this refrigerator drawer in a reader's recent appliance purchase, which sounds somewhat obscene:

 

 Here's a coffee pot seen early one morning at a hospital nurses station:

That's an interesting name for your iPhone:

And, finally, this box label. Which seems awfully pretentious for a freakin' cantaloupe.

Early

Guy comes in, stands at counter.

Mary: "Can I help you, sir?"

Guy: "Uh, I think I'm early for my visit."

Mary: "Okay. What time is your appointment?"

Guy: "I don't have one."

Great moments with Amazon

From the "now they definitely won't fall out" department.

Thank you, T!