Monday, April 1, 2024

Doctors behaving badly

I'm with a patient when Mary wanders back.

Mary: "Hey, Dr. Hypothec is on line two, he asked me to interrupt you."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay. Hang on, Mrs. Fonebone, let me get this... Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Hypothec: "Hi, this is Mort Hypothec across the street. Thank you for taking my call."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up?"

Dr. Hypothec: "I had a a question about my wife, did you ever see her as a patient?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Not that a recall."

Dr. Hypothec: "Well, she works in mortgages, and was wondering if you were interested in refinancing your home? She can get you an excellent rate."

Monday, March 25, 2024

Seen in a chart


 

Tuesday, March 19, 2024

Happy Springtime!

(or Autumn, if you're on that side of the planet).

My favorite ode to spring, courtesy of the great Tom Lehrer:

Spring is hereSpring is hereLife is skittles and life is beerI think the loveliest timeOf the year is the springI do, don't you? 'Course you doBut there's one thingThat makes spring complete for meAnd makes every SundayA treat for me
All the world seems in tuneOn a spring afternoonWhen we're poisoning pigeons in the parkEvery Sunday you'll seeMy sweetheart and meAs we poison the pigeons in the park
When they see us comingThe birdies all try and hideBut they still go for peanutsWhen coated with cyanideThe sun's shining brightEverything seems all rightWhen we're poisoning pigeons in the park
We've gained notorietyAnd caused much anxietyIn the Audubon SocietyWith our gamesThey call it impietyAnd lack of proprietyAnd quite a varietyOf unpleasant namesBut it's not against any religionTo want to dispose of a pigeon
So if Sunday you're freeWhy don't you come with meAnd we'll poison the pigeons in the parkAnd maybe we'll doIn a squirrel or twoWhile we're poisoning pigeons in the park
We'll murder them allAmid laughter and merrimentExcept for the fewWe take home to experimentMy pulse will be quickenin'With each drop of strychnineWe feed to a pigeon(It just takes a smidgin!)To poison a pigeon in the park

Monday, March 18, 2024

Semantics

 "What do you mean the drug doesn't work? We can't write that! Find a better way to say it!"



Thursday, March 14, 2024

Happy Pi Day!

In honor of Pi Day, AKA Einstein's birthday...

 

Hi, this is Craig Grumpy.

A few years back, you may remember, I worked at Local Grocery's bakery.

One of my co-workers there (besides my sister) was Josie.

Josie was no pussycat, but was good at her job, except for the whole dealing-with-customers bit. Polite conversation was not one of her strong points. Because she was otherwise a good employee management tended to overlook this, and the rest of us tried to deal with people and let Josie do her thing in the back, mixing dough, baking stuff, decorating cakes, etc.

Unfortunately, this wasn't always possible, and there was an afternoon where she and I were the only ones on. She was out putting bagels on the shelves and I was leaning into the donut case, cleaning it for the next morning. So I didn't see a lady walk past a large display that said "PIES," and head for Josie... until it was too late.

Lady: "Excuse me! Where are the pies?"

Josie: "Uh, over there, behind you, on the left."

Lady: "Thank you."

The lady went over and began carefully inspecting the pies that were out. I turned back to the donut trays, glad that it had been straightforward.

In the meantime the lady was going through the pies, carefully reading each box (these are generic supermarket pies, folks). After a minute I realized she'd followed Josie back to the bakery counter and it was too late for me to run interference.

Lady: "Excuse me again!"

Josie: "Yes?"

Lady: "I was looking at your pies. Do you have any that are sugar free and gluten free?"

Long pause.

Josie: "Ma'am, this is a bakery."

Josie disappeared into the back.

Sunday, March 3, 2024

Sigh

Look, calling my phone every 2 hours all weekend is NOT going to make your lab results come any faster.

Monday, February 26, 2024

You go, dude

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Dr. Hyper: "HI! THIS IS MIKE HYPER! I'M THE HOSPITALIST ON CALL OVER NIGHT, AND I NEED YOU TO HAVE A LOOK AT A GUY I THINK MAY HAVE HAD A SEIZURE! HE FAINTED OVER AT THE HOCKEY ARENA!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'll swing by in the morning."

Dr. Hyper: "THAT SOUNDS GREAT! HANG ON, LET ME JUST GET MORE COFFEE HERE... ANYWAY, HE BIT HIS TONGUE, BUT DOESN'T HAVE ANY HISTORY OF SEIZURES!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Was he incontinent?"

Dr. Hyper: "HE CERTAINLY WAS! IN FACT, I CHECKED HIS PANTS MYSELF!"

Sunday, February 18, 2024

Sunday afternoon

My current hospital consult is apparently unable to finish any sentence without putting the word "diarrhea" into it somewhere.

Friday, February 9, 2024

Quote of the day

 "I have insomnia, but it's only a problem when I'm trying to sleep."

Monday, February 5, 2024

Seen in charts

Here's some things you guys have sent in that somehow made it into medical records. Just remember folks, somewhere out there your doctor may be the culprit.


First, from the "wait, what?" department is this unusual treatment for anxiety:

 

"I guess it depends on what's making you anxious, nudge nudge wink wink"


From the "I'd like to buy a vowel" category cums comes this gem:

"I guess that's nudge nudge wink wink again"



From the case files of Captain Obvious, M.D. we have these notes:

and

 


 

And, lastly is this note from the "How lazy can you get?" department:

 

This brings back memories from when I worked at the VA 30 years ago. A patient would come to the floor, and the admitting note said "Past history: see old chart." The old chart was inevitably at least 5 volumes, each one 3-4 inches thick.



Monday, January 22, 2024

Random pictures

 Okay, time to hit the mailbag for stuff you guys have sent in.


First off, we have this label from a home sander:




Next is this, from the insanely long line for Radiator Springs Racers at Disneyland:

"That's tongue in cheek... I didn't mean it that way."


In a tribute to capitalism, I have to respect the location of this cookie store:



Love these stupid ads. Here's a tip: don't try to sleep in the surf. Was this Harold Holt's idea?

 
 
 
 
Lastly, since we're on the subject of things to help you sleep, Netflix wants to play "one of these things is not like the others."





Monday, January 15, 2024

Modern technology

After having one for a few months, I highly recommend the Amazon Ring to anyone who's ever wanted to see regular pictures of themselves, in pajamas and a robe, carrying out the trash.

Friday, January 12, 2024

Kill me

Currently trapped in line at a pharmacy behind a woman demanding generic Emgality and refusing to leave until she gets it. So I guess I'll be here until 2034.

Monday, January 8, 2024

Memories

Dr. Hurricane was an attending where I trained.

He was one of these people who lived at warp speed. While he was a good teacher, and had an excellent fund of general neurology knowledge, it was all limited by his frenetic manic speaking style of rattling off facts, statistics, and teaching points at an insanely high speed on rounds. In fact, he reminded us of John Moschitta, the star of FedEx commercials in the 1980's.







Yeah, and that was what Dr. Hurricane sounded like on a slow day.

I carried a clipboard and notebook with me on rounds, and would frantically, if unsuccessfully, try to keep up with his teaching points. This only resulted in severe hand cramps and my notebook bursting into flames.

Another resident, Karl, made the immortal comment that "Dr. Hurricane doesn't talk. He has lip fasciculations."

In clinic, patients were terrified of him. Not for him actually being threatening, but for his ability to rapidly give them the entire diagnosis and treatment plan in about 10 seconds, at a speaking frequency far beyond the ability of others to discriminate individual words. Dr. Hurricane blew into the room, Dr. Hurricane blew out of the room, leaving a prescription behind, fluttering gently in the breeze.

And, of course, I (the resident) was left standing there as the patients asked "what did he just say?"

Damned if I knew. Their guess was as good as mine.

 

 
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