Winter

Mr. Snow: "Boy it's freezing out there."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, even just walking from my car to the elevator was bone-chilling."

Mr. Snow: "How does he handle it?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Who? Dr. Pissy? His space is closer to the elevator."

Mr. Snow: "No, your fish. Ed, or whatever his name is."

Dr. Grumpy: "Ed doesn't go outside. He's been in that same spot for almost 20 years."*

Mr. Snow: "Yeah, but I imagine the winter must bother him somehow, like seeing snow out the window. He must get cold in here."

Dr. Grumpy: "Nah, he's fine. The indoor temp here is pretty much the same year-round."

Mr. Snow: "That's weird. I mean, my dog can't stand to go outside when it's this cold. I figured your fish would be the same."




* Ed is not a Betta of unusual longevity. It's just been easier over time to name all of them Ed.

Breaking news

From around the planet, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters bring you the stories that shape our world.


DATELINE: LONDON, ENGLAND

An unidentified fellow, trying to save money by not paying his subway fare, attempted to jump the barrier at the Covent Garden Tube station.

His plan went horribly wrong when he somehow got his penis caught in the metal gate mid-leap.

Police officers and transportation workers were finally able to free his winkie, but not before he was filmed by bystanders.

Whatever money he was trying to save probably wasn't worth it.



DATELINE: MURMANSK, RUSSIA

A Russian man, who was "bored," stole a combat vehicle from a military tank-driving school and went for a ride.

During his outing he smashed a car, then lost control of the armored vehicle and crashed through the front of a grocery store. At that point he got out of the car, pilfered a bottle of wine, and ran away.

Police arrested him shortly afterwards, still carrying the bottle of wine.



DATELINE: TOTNES, ENGLAND

Local butcher Chris McCabe was trapped inside his store's walk-in freezer when wind blew the door shut behind him. Fortunately, the freezer had an emergency release safety button. Unfortunately, it had frozen solid and couldn't be moved.

Attempts to kick the button loose were unsuccessful.

Keeping a cool head, Mr. McCabe grabbed a frozen, 3 lbs. black pudding and used it to repeatedly smash the button until it loosened enough to allow him to open the door.

He told reporters that “black pudding saved my life, without a doubt.”

11:25 p.m.

Mr. Lung: "Hello?"

Dr. Grumpy (trying to wake up): "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Lung: "Hi, I'm calling to find out what my PET scan showed?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um... I didn't order a PET scan on you. In fact, I don't think I've ordered any tests on you for some time."

Mr. Lung: "I know. My lung doctor ordered it, to follow-up on a nodule. But my appointment with him isn't until the morning."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I don't have the results, and not sure I'd know what they mean."

Mr. Lung: "But I don't want to wait until morning!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Then you'll have to call his office and see if he'll tell you."

Mr. Lung: "It's late. I don't want to wake him up."

No comment

Seen in a chart

"Gee, how flattering, doc."

January 2, 2018

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Mycelium: "Hi, I have to cancel my appointment for this afternoon. I'm having an emergency!"

Mary: "Okay, do you..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "We went to take our Christmas tree out, and discovered THERE WAS MOLD ON IT!"

Mary: "I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like to reschedule now or..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "You act like this is nothing! THIS IS MOLD! I already called 911, and the girl there had the nerve to tell me mold wasn't an emergency!"

Mary: "Why don't you call me back when..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "I put the tree outside, but the mold may already be taking over my house! Do you know the number for a HAZMAT emergency? I can't find one!"

Mary: "No, I..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "Then can you call 911 for me? I bet they'd take this a lot more seriously if the call came from a doctor's office."

Mary: "I can't..."

Mrs. Mycelium: "OH MY GOD MY DOG IS OVER BY THE TREE! FLUFFY GET IN HERE! I need to go to the vet now!"

The line went dead.