Mary's desk, October 9, 2012

Mrs. Bulova: "Hello?"

Mary: "Hi, Mrs. Bulova. This is Mary, at Dr. Grumpy's office. I'm calling because you're 10 minutes late for your appointment, and you're always punctual. So I wanted to make sure everything is okay."

Mrs. Bulova: "That can't be! My appointment is at 2:30, and my watch says it's only 1:15 now!"

Mary: "I'm sorry, but it's actually 2:40. I can re-schedule you, though. Maybe your watch is broken? Or you need to wind it?"

Mrs. Bulova: "It's funny, I noticed last night that it said 1:15 while I was having dinner, and it said the same thing later when I was getting ready for bed, and also this morning, when I woke up. I thought that was weird, but it makes sense now."

Reasons to keep beer in the break room

Like most offices, we have stuff on the front counter. A clipboard with a sign-in sheet. A little clock. A pen holder. A plastic & metal cow-like thing that shows the date. Business card holders.

Yesterday a lady came in for an appointment, towing 3 toddlers with her. After signing in she took everything except the clipboard off the counter and handed them to her kids to play with!

When Mary asked her to put them back, she got angry and said "You act like this is my problem, that your office doesn't have stuff around to keep kids busy."

For those of you wondering: No. Neither of us sees kids in our practices.

Sunday

Yesterday I was at local mall with the kids, when they started whining about being hungry. So I took them to the food court.

While they were inhaling burgers, I got a phone call from the ER, and wandered off to a quieter area to talk. Without paying attention, I ended up standing next to a kiosk selling phone accessories.


Dr. Grumpy: "Is she on Coumadin?"

Kiosk Guy: (comes over, taps me on shoulder) "Hey! You need a new iPhone case!"

Dr. Grumpy: "No thank you, I'm busy right now. What did her head CT show?"

Kiosk Guy: "This one is on sale! It lights up when you're on the phone!"

Dr. Grumpy: (waves guy away again) "Who's her cardiologist? Do they know what's going on yet?"

Kiosk Guy: "Your phone case is falling apart! You should get this one!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hang on, ERP... Look, this is an important call. Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

Kiosk Guy: "No! That's why you need a case that lights up!"

Weekend reruns

When the kids were younger, we had a part-time nanny named Syndee. I was anything but fond of her. I don't remember how Mrs. Grumpy found her.

Syndee did a good job with the kids, so I turned a blind eye to her many shortcomings (which could be several posts alone). Her main issue was a remarkable lack of IQ and common sense. It was not uncommon to realize she'd been outsmarted by Snowball (and he's slow). She occasionally still calls to see if we need a babysitter. Rarely she'll call me for medical questions, as she does not grasp the concept of what being a specialist means. She's also learned (since she knows our home number) that it's easier to reach me than her own doctor.

Last week Syndee got married, and went off to Hawaii for her honeymoon.

This morning, at 12:05 a.m., I was woken by our home phone ringing.

Dr. Grumpy: "Mmmph, hello?"

Syndee: "Hi! Dr. Grumpy! It's me, Syndee!"

Dr. Grumpy: "What the hell?... Syndee do you know what time it is?"

Syndee: "Sure! It's just after dinner! Why, is your clock broken?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, it's after midnight here."

Syndee: "It is not! I wouldn't call that late!"

Dr. Grumpy: "Syndee, you're in another time zone."

Syndee: "What's a time zone?"

Dr. Grumpy (sigh): "Why did you call Syndee?"

Syndee: "Well, um, In the last few days I've developed a bladder infection and..."

Dr. Grumpy (seeing an opportunity to get even): "What the HELL have you been doing on your honeymoon to get a bladder infection?"

Syndee: "Well, um, my husband and me, um we, um... Can you just call in some antibiotics for me?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you call your regular doctor for this?"

Syndee: "Her office is closed, and I don't want to bother her."

Dr. Grumpy: "Good night, Syndee." (hangs up)

Overheard at the nursing station

Morning shift-change check-out:

Nurse 1: "Your patient in room 822 is going to a nursing home in 20 minutes."

Nurse 2: "Oh, good. I love to start my day with a discharge."

Surrounding nurses & doctors start snickering.

Wednesday afternoon

Mrs. Bos: "I need to find a new internist."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's up? You've been with Dr. Moonray for years?"

Mrs. Bos: "He went to some seminar on 'natural health' and now he tells me that my epilepsy is from drinking milk. He said that if I stop all dairy products, my epilepsy will cure itself, and I can quit taking Depakote."

Dr. Grumpy: "You've had epilepsy since you were a kid, haven't you?"

Mrs. Bos: "Yeah, and it runs in my family. My sister actually died a few years ago when she stopped her medications, and he says I should sue her doctor because he never discussed stopping milk with her."

Dr. Grumpy: "Wow."

Mrs. Bos: "Yeah, and when I told him that I liked and trusted you, he told me you were secretly being paid by the pharmacy and dairy companies to hide the truth about medications and milk from your patients."

Dr. Grumpy: "WHAT?!!!"

Mrs. Bos: "Yeah, that's exactly what I said."

Pause

Dr. Grumpy: "Let me give you some names..."

Rounding in the ICU

Dr. Lung: "Ibee! Do you drive a Hyundai Sonata?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. I have an old Nissan Maxima."

Dr. Lung: "Well, someone in a Hyundai Sonata hit me in the parking lot."

Dr. Grumpy: "I'm sorry, I hope you find out who it was."

Dr. Lung: "It had to be another doctor. The Hyundai next to me has a dent that matches mine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, I'm going down to ER..."

Dr. Lung: "It's going to cost a fortune to fix, too. Can you believe the way people are?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'll see you later..."

Dr. Lung: "It makes you wonder whatever happened to professional courtesy when things like this happen. Maybe it was a medical student. Or a PA. Or..."

Dr. Grumpy: "I think they have to park across the street. Oh, I better take this call...Hello? This is Dr. Grumpy." (psychotically answers phone that didn't ring, walks away quickly)

I bet

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Cath: "My father had heart disease, but didn't know it until after he was dead. When his doctor told him he'd died of a heart attack, Dad was shocked."

"Hey, this Mu Shu pork tastes like..."

Yep. Not much more to say.

Thank you, Don!

Red, too

Mrs. Ganglia: "And when the headache was really bad, the right side of my face was drooping."

Dr. Grumpy: "Was it really drooping, or just feel like it was drooping?"

Mrs. Ganglia: "It was really drooping! Wait, hang on, Gary took a picture of it..."  whips out iPhone, holds it up. "Here, take a look."

On her iPhone is displayed a picture of a remarkably muscular 20-something human male, with washboard 6-pack abs, naked except for his snowboots. He's holding his erect penis in his right hand and pointing to the camera with his left.

Mrs. Ganglia: "Oh GOD! That's not it..." (swipes frantically a few times) "Here it is. You can see my face is drooping."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, yes, you can."

Memories...

In college I lived in a building where all the windows faced a center courtyard.

One day, when it was nice out and most people had their windows open, a couple decided to have a loud fight in the courtyard, completely oblivious to the fact that pretty much everyone in the building could hear.

I don't remember any of the details, but at some point the girl yelled: "So tell me what you want to do! If you want to break up, we'll break up! If you want to go inside and fuck, we'll go inside and fuck! Just tell me what you want!"

There was a long pause.

Then some unseen guy on the 3rd floor yelled: "Tell her you want to fuck!"

The couple looked absolutely horrified. They got in a car and left.

Candor

Mrs. Camel: "I only get migraines when I snort cocaine."

Dr. Grumpy: "Why don't you quit?"

Mrs. Camel: "Nah. I'd rather just take a headache pill."

Guilt

Dr. Grumpy: "Have you tried any pain medications for this?"

Ms. Nurse: "Well... Yeah..."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's wrong?"

Ms. Nurse: "I'm really scared to talk about it... I took something that a friend gave me. I don't have my own prescription, so I'm worried about losing my nursing license if people find out."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, I'm not looking to get you in trouble, and to help you I need to know what you've already tried."

Ms. Nurse: "It was" (looks down) "Ibuprofen."

(pause)

Dr. Grumpy: "Did you say Ibuprofen?"

Ms. Nurse: "Yes. Oh, God, please don't report me. I know it was wrong."

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, it's over-the-counter."

Ms. Nurse: "You don't understand! This was the prescription-only 800mg! It wasn't even my prescription! I'm sorry, I can't believe I did something like that. I'm really not that kind of person!"

Dr. Grumpy: "I wouldn't worry about it."

Annual peeve

For the 4th year in a row I'm going to run this column. I'll keep running it until this practice stops. Which likely means the post will be here every damn year until I retire/die/get institutionalized.

In the past I've addressed it to the President. But since nobody (except me) running for office this year considers it to be a major issue, I'm making it the center of my campaign platform. And, if elected, I will carry it out!

Fellow citizens,

We now face a national crisis of such serious proportions that it dwarfs other issues, such as global warming, health care, and middle-east peace. It now threatens the very fabric of our society, and directly affects every citizen. And I can remain silent no longer.

It's still September, and every store near me ALREADY HAS THEIR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UP!

I have nothing against the holidays. Peace on Earth and all that stuff. But moving them up as if they were being held in another time-zone or alternate universe is getting out-of-hand. As far as I know, Christmas hasn't budged in my lifetime. And treating every day like it was Christmas (like the stores seem to want me to do) is not helping.

The well-respected Nick documentary program, The Fairly Oddparents, has carefully researched what would happen if Christmas were held every day (Episode 107, air date 12-12-01 I have kids, OKAY!). Their conclusion? It would be catastrophic.

There also seems to be a degree of unintentional discrimination. For example, Hanukkah starts several weeks before Christmas this year, but I don't see Hanukkah decorations going up yet. In fact, I haven't seen any at all. Or Kwanzaa stuff. Or Festivus. Or New Year's.

This seasonal perversion extends to other holidays, too. I mean, by January 2nd most stores are decked out with Easter junk, and on July 5th the Halloween crap is up.

So, if elected, I promise the following, federally mandated solutions (please note: I'm only including those holidays that retailers love. Let's face it, not many of us are out there buying gifts for Groundhog day or cards for Columbus day. I'm also leaving out local holidays like Delaware Statehood Day, the Montana Huckleberry Harvest Celebration, and the Byron, Illinois, Turkey Testicle Festival).

Valentine's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of January.

St. Patrick's Day Decorations will NOT be put up until after March 1st.

Passover/Easter decorations will NOT be put up until after St. Patrick's day.

Independance day decorations (July 4th) will NOT be put up until the 3rd week of June.

Halloween stuff will NOT be put up before October 1st

Thanksgiving Stuff will NOT be put up before November 1st.

Christmas/New Year/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus stuff will NOT be put up until the day after Thanksgiving.

(Please note: there should be some flexibility here, as Hanukkah and Easter/Passover may vary, but decorations should NOT be hung more then 3 weeks prior to holiday onset).

An alternative plan would be to have a single annual holiday combining all of the above, called St. Christmukahpasseastkwanpatfourthnewfestgivingween. Decorations for the combined holidays may be hung for 30 days prior to this event, and MUST be removed the day after.

Punishment for business owners who violate these laws would be on a 3-step basis:

1st offense: Business license revoked for one month.

2nd offense: Tarred, feathered, and forced to eat fruitcake.

3rd offense: Drawn and quartered, then served with fava beans and a nice chianti.

Yours truly,

Ibee Grumpy, M.D.