2018 Holiday gift guide

Do you have a friend who's trying to attract the perfect guy, hoping her perfume will do the trick?

Maybe you should get her this:

Let's face it, nothing gets a guy's attention like a woman who smells like a slab of roast beef. Or an Arby's.

If nothing else, she'll certainly have the attention of every dog in the neighborhood.

Saturday morning

Frank got home from his first college semester last night.

This morning, Mrs. Grumpy and I were woken from a sound sleep by screaming and loud noises.

Apparently, at around midnight, Frank couldn't sleep and set up his laptop to work. He'd forgotten the password for our home WiFi network. Instead of, say, waiting to ask someone in the morning, he just wiped the router and changed the passwords.

This morning the twins discovered what had happened, and went bananas when they couldn't get online. His door was locked, and when they couldn't wake him up, Marie and Craig kicked his door in.

Now Frank is upset we woke him up on his first day of break.

I'm taking the twins' side.

2018 Holiday gift guide

Do you have a friend who thinks he has animal magnetism? Maybe these boxers are the perfect gift:

Available from Newchic, this pair of boxers has a series of magnets sewn into the vital package-support area. The website makes claims about this boosting the immune system (it doesn't say if they specifically mean against STD's), "releasing energy," (if my winkie was glowing that color, I'd be pretty worried about the energy source) and (my favorite) improving the body's oxygen supply.

Plenty of guys, myself included, have been accused of thinking with our male appendages. To date, however, I've never been accused of breathing through it.

Isn't that right, Mr. Snuffleupagus?

2018 Holiday gift guide

Mattel, the company that brought you Barbie, Hot Wheels, Masters of the Universe, American Girl, Polly Pocket, and Matchbox, now brings you its next big seller.

And... I'm going to have to let these ladies describe it, because I couldn't possibly do a better job.

Please note, this is not a joke.