Marketing surveys

From the "let's see if you're paying attention" department.

Quantity

Guy: "Local pharmacy. Can I help you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, this is Dr. Grumpy, returning a call about Mrs. Cranium's migraine medication."

Guy: "Yeah, you wrote a quantity of 12 pills on it, and her insurance says she's not allowed to have that many."

Dr. Grumpy: "Did that just change? She's been getting 12 every month for as long as I've been writing it."

Guy: "Well, they don't allow 12 pills in a day now, can you change it to another drug?"

Dr. Grumpy: "IN A DAY? No, she's not supposed to do that at all. That would probably kill you."

Guy: "Wait, you meant that to be 12 pills per month all along?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Absolutely. I'm looking at the script now. It doesn't say anything about 'per day'."

Guy: "That makes a lot more sense. I'll get this filled."

Are you shitting me?

The other night, around 1:00, I took a call from the emergency room. One of Dr. Brain's patients was being admitted for a seizure and I was covering for the evening. I discussed the case with the ER physician and went back to bed.

The next day I'm seeing a patient in the office, when Mary interrupts me for a hospital call. So I pick up the phone.

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Newgrad: "Hi! This is Dave Newgrad, the hospitalist seeing Rosanna Shakin. I have her ready to go, but you haven't been by to see her."

Dr. Grumpy: "I thought she was Dr. Brain's patient."

Dr. Newgrad: "She is, and he's been by and seen her and cleared her to go home. But I need you to come by."

Dr. Grumpy: "If Dr. Brain already did that, then you don't need anything from me."

Dr. Newgrad: "But the chart says the ER doctor spoke to you."

Dr. Grumpy: "She did, but I was covering for Dr. Brain."

Dr. Newgrad: "I thought that if you're the one who talks to the ER, you're legally obligated to come see the patient."

Dr. Grumpy: "Where the hell did you hear that? That's completely wrong."

Pause

Dr. Newgrad: "Nobody teaches you these things in training."

Breaking news!

From around the world, Dr. Grumpy's crack team of reporters brings you the stories that impact your lives.


DATELINE: Pennsylvania, USA

Mr. Steven Rago, who was out on bail for simple assault, went to court to pay his fees.

While there he noticed another person, also waiting in line to pay charges, had set his wallet on the counter. Mr. Rago quickly pocketed it. A few minutes later he used the stolen money to pay his own fees.

The entire episode was caught on camera, and Mr. Rago's bail was rescinded due to the new charges.



DATELINE: Osnabrueck, Germany

A man in a movie theater had difficulty opening the bottle of beer he'd purchased for the show. Rather than leaving the flick to use the church key at the concessions counter, he innovatively tried to pop it open with something in his pocket.

In this case, a pepper-spray canister.

The pepper cartridge exploded, flooding the theater with the noxious stuff and causing the evacuation of 200 tearing moviegoers. The cinema's manager called the police, and was able to get the theater's air cleared after about 30 minutes.

No word as to whether he got the beer open.



DATELINE: Bretten, Germany.

An 81 year old man working around his house called the police bomb squad when he discovered what appeared to be an unexploded WW2 bomb in his garden.

Responding officers identified the explosive as actually being a "particularly large" zucchini.

The zucchini was 16" (40cm) land and weighed 11 lbs (5kg).

One police officer noted it "really did look very like a bomb.”

The offending squash's fate wasn't given.

Still sick

But in looking through the national news I noticed the guys who match pictures to headlines are also apparently out today.

Out sick

Fighting off some crud my kids brought home.  Back soon.

Wednesday afternoon

Mary: "Hi, this is Mary at Dr. Grumpy's office,  just calling to confirm your appointment tomorrow, Thursday morning, at 9:30."

Ms. Remind: "Um, really? I thought it was Friday morning at 9:30?"

Mary: "Well, I have you down for Thursday, but the 9:30 slot is open on Friday, so I can change it to that if you prefer."

Ms. Remind: "No, you don't need to change it. I'm leaving town tonight, anyway, so I can't do either."

Seen in a chart

Thank you, KL!

Off for kids' fall break

Back on October 24! See you then!

Big

One typo is made (at least I HOPE it's a typo), and the computer runs with it.

Thank you, S!

Saturday night

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Plan: "Hi, sorry to call you after hours, but I need to see a neurologist and was wondering if you take Sick & Tired HMO."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, I'm sorry, I don't have a contract with them. You might try Dr. Brain, I believe he does."

Mr. Plan: "But I really wanted to see you. Can't you make an exception and take Sick & Tired just for my case?"

Dr. Grumpy: "I can't do that, and they don't allow it. I mean, you could pay cash to see me, but even then they won't pay for any tests or medications I might order. So you're best off just seeing someone in the plan."

Mr. Plan: "You can't send them a letter saying you're making an exception in my case, and that you promise not to see anyone else on their plan again?"

Dr. Grumpy: "It doesn't work that way. Let me give you Dr. Brain's number."

Mr. Plan "Thanks for nothing."

Click.

Morning

Dr. Grumpy: "Good morning, have a seat on the exam table. Have you ever had an EMG before?"

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "Holy crap doc, you don't need to talk so loud. I'm not deaf, I swear."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sorry, didn't realize I was. Can you take off your sunglasses?"

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "Yeah, but can you turn off the lights? They're really bright."

Dr. Grumpy: "Just keep them on, then. I can't do the test in the dark. Are you okay?"

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "I'm really hung over. I went to the Lümbær Pünkture concert last night and got totally shitfaced."

Dr. Grumpy: "Do you..."

Mr. Acetaldehyde: "Hey, can you bring that trash can over here? I think I'm..."

Pac-Man 2017

Now fighting brain tumors.

Seen in a chart

This was in the discharge instructions one of my patients was given in the emergency room: