Why I love Mary

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Hi, I need to see the doctor."

Mary: "Okay, we have an opening next Tuesday at..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Does your office have WiFi?"

Mary: "No, we're a small practice and..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "That's good. My last neurologist was using WiFi to read my thoughts. He fired me when I told him I was reporting him to the police."

Mary: "Okay... What are you coming in for?"

Ms. Tinfoil: "I want someone to look at my MRI films. All the doctors say they're normal, but I know they work for the government. You can see the microtransistors they placed in my brain to use WiFi on me, and I need a neurologist who can see them, too."

Mary: "I'm not sure Dr. Grumpy is the kind of doctor you need..."

Ms. Tinfoil: "They put them there with special government-trained tics, that bit me and injected the receivers into my bloodstream."

Mary: "I'm sorry, you know, I completely forgot. Dr. Grumpy installed WiFi just last week, so people in the lobby could surf while waiting."

Ms. Tinfoil: "Oh shit, you're part of it, too!"

(click)

Why doctors drink

Mr. Badhair: "I'm here because I want to see an aneurysm specialist."

Dr. Grumpy: "Well, sir, I certainly can discuss them, but I'm a neurologist, not a neurosurgeon. So I can't claim to specialize in them."

Mr. Badhair: "Well, on your office website it says you do, and that you trained at UBS."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, I'm not an aneurysm specialist, I've never made that claim, and I didn't train at UBS. I went to BSU."

Mr. Badhair: "Liar! I can't believe you have the nerve to tell me that! I saw it on your site this morning!"

I call up my practice site and turn the iMac around.

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir, this is my site. It clearly says I went to BSU, and says nothing about aneurysms."

Mr. Badhair: "That's because you just changed it."

Dear WebCME,

I understand you're trying to do a medical education tie-in with Valentine's day, but perhaps next year you should stick with something a little less heartwarming:

Thank you, Tab!

Patient quote of the day

"I have to accept that I'm 40. That means I'm not 39 anymore."

Bwahahahaha

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't you have a hysterectomy?"

Mrs. Giggle: "Yes, why do you ask?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Just to be safe. This medication can cause birth defects."

Mrs. Giggle: "Oh, that's not a problem. My birth defects are both in high school."

Great speech therapy reports

Life is a highway

Mr. Octane: "I need a note saying I had a doctor's appointment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, for your job?"

Mr. Octane: "No, for the police."

Dr. Grumpy: "The police?"

Mr. Octane: "I got a speeding ticket on the way here."

Dr. Grumpy: "I don't write notes for that."

Mr. Octane: "If I hadn't been speeding I would have been late."

Dr. Grumpy: "You came in 15 minutes after your scheduled appointment time."

Mr. Octane: "Well, I would have been later."

Stating the obvious

Last year, for those of you who missed it, a large potato-chip company had a nationwide contest to come up with a new flavor.

So, although the contest is over, there are still some bags of chips announcing the results out there. Yesterday, at a Boy Scout meeting, some bags were opened and I noticed this on one. It showed the top 5 ingredient suggestions people had sent in for a new potato chip flavor:

I want to know how "potato" is the 2nd most popular ingredient suggestion. I mean, they're freakin' potato chips! While I like bacon, it's certainly not the first ingredient I think of if someone says "what should we use to make potato chips?"

And chocolate? Yeah, I know someone was selling chocolate covered potato chips over the holidays. But even chocolate has its limitations, and I'm not dipping it in ranch dressing or guacamole.

Ironic placement of a promoted tweet

CME har de har har

Patient Quote of the Day

"I have very little memory that I forgot that, whatever it was."

Tonight on National Geographic

These majestic creatures are some of the most faithful, devoted, servants a medical office will ever have. They endure daily burdens. They get twisted, tilted, leaned upon, smashed into desks and filing cabinets, and never complain about their lot in life.

Eventually, as happens to all things, their time comes to an end. Sometimes they tilt too far. Or stop rolling. Or dump their once-loyal masters one too many times.

And then, because no one seems to ever want to take them outside, or thinks that someday they'll have time to fix them, they go to their final, secretive, resting place:

This picture is a rare peek at the mysterious chair graveyard in the back of the Grumpy/Pissy medical compound. Every medical office, however, has one of these rooms. Every law office. Every office in general.

As the years go by they're joined by outdated computers, broken printers, seasonal decorations, telephones, and other aging items. Why we keep them is a mystery. Perhaps because no one wants to take them to the dumpster, or the recycling place. Or we're hoping the Smithsonian will call, needing one for their "Prehistoric Offices" display. Or we're simply afraid to toss them, with a strange belief that someday they'll magically fix or update themselves.

Anyone need a chair?

Attitude

Dr. Grumpy: "Also, since you had a seizure, you'll have to stop driving for 2 months."

Mrs. Imspecial: "That's ridiculous. My husband is a doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yes, but that doesn't change anything. The law is pretty clear. No driving until you've been seizure-free for 60 days."

Mrs. Imspecial: "I'm married to a doctor. You work with him at the hospital. I'm sure there's some exemption you can get for me."

Dr. Grumpy: "No, there isn't. The only thing that matters here is that you had a seizure."

Mrs. Imspecial: "I'm very busy with our kids, and don't have time for such nonsense. My husband is a doctor."

Dr. Grumpy: "That doesn't place you above the law. Think about what would happen to the kids if you had a seizure while driving."

Mrs. Imspecial: "Don't play scare games with me. I'll have to get a second opinion. I can't believe he referred me to you. He's a doctor, you know."

Font issues

Dear Biogen,

Thank you for your Avonex demo pack.

In a recent nonscientific survey, 8 out of 11 people thought the C and L were a little too close together, and read the box somewhat differently.