Great moments in research

For whatever reason, Dr. Brian Mautz of Canberra decided to research penis size in the homo sapiens male, and how it relates to other body features.

I suppose there are a lot of oddball studies out there. Competition to get published is stiff, so you need eye-catching hard data to penetrate journals.

But this upstanding one just gave me the giggles.

It was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, better known by the acronym PNAS.

Dr. Mautz's co-authors included Drs. Wong and Peters, of Melbourne.

And, inevitably, Dr. Peters' first name is........ Richard.

Thank you, SMOD!

DANGER! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!

EVERYTHING in medicine comes with a little packet of paper that tells you what it is, what it's for, how dangerous it is, and how to handle emergencies it might cause.

Bizarrely enough, this includes the most common liquid on planet Earth: water.

Yes water.

And this is the actual warning label that comes with water:

 

So, as per the last paragraphs, let's keep these important points in mind:

1.  If you accidentally get water in your eyes, IMMEDIATELY flush them with more water for 15 minutes.

2. If you accidentally drink water, induce vomiting.

3. If you get water on your skin, wash it off with soap and water.

4. If the water catches fire, extinguish it immediately with something "appropriate."

5. And always call poison control if you drink water! It says so!

Thank you, Webhill!

Whatever

Mrs. Adenoca: "I want you to know, right now, that I won't take any medications. I don't believe in your pills. I'm an intelligent woman, and I do a lot of research on my own. Every drug you use has the potential to cause cancer, and I know you doctors lie and say they don't. I'm smarter than that, and refuse to take anything that could do that to me."

Dr. Grumpy: "Didn't you tell me earlier that you smoke?"

Mrs. Adenoca: "Yes, 2 packs a day."

Dr. Grumpy: "And you don't think that causes cancer?"

Mrs. Adenoca: "You guys lie about that, too."

Neurology made ridiculously simple

Uh, where you fix a Prius?

Thank you, Jennifer!

Wednesday

Dr. Grumpy: "Have a seat, Mr. Needsglasses. Boy, I haven't seen you in about 10 years."

Mr. Needsglasses: "Wow. That long? I can't believe it."

Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, it looks like you were last here in 2003."

Mr. Needsglasses: "Had no idea. 10 years. Boy, doc, you haven't aged well. You look awful."

Today's contest

A marketing rep dropped off a booklet today, featuring better living through a company's various gadgets. Normally it wouldn't get my attention, but with this picture it was hard not to stare.

So, let's all try to think of some creative captions. Here's a few to get started:

"Yes, nothing makes you smile like matching his & hers pelvic floor stimulators."

"Crank it up and we'll REALLY start swinging."

"These go to eleven."

It's fun to stay at the A.N.Z.C.A!

Next month, for those of you who don't follow meetings outside your own hemisphere, is the annual Australian & New Zealand College of Anaesthetists convention. This year it's being held in Melbourne.

Normally I don't pay attention to ANY meetings. Not even the ones in my own specialty, let alone someone elses' on the other side of the International Date Line. But my reader Rebecca (thank you, Rebecca!) brought this one to my attention.

All these meetings are composed of various lectures and workshops you sign up for, and this one is no different. Here's a sampling of the exciting courses available:

  

If anything sounds more stimulating than a course on coagulation management, I don't know what it is. Oh wait, I do. A can of Diet Coke.

But if you scroll farther down the list, there IS a stimulating course:

Of course, caffeine isn't the only thing you can learn about at the meeting. If your anaesthesia machine (the one that goes "ping!") is all tuned up, why not work on...

After that course, a few cups of coffee, and a bathroom break you'll be ready to move on to...

After a long day of such interesting meetings you've done all sorts of things, but on the way out of the building you discover the elevator has no windows and no doors, which offers you this chilling challenge: to find a way out!

Of course, there's always my way...

Annie's Desk

Annie: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Annie."

Mr. Lombardi: "Hi, I see Dr. Grumpy for my seizures, and he increased my Nomoshakin dose last week."

Annie: "Okay, let me look up your note."

Mr. Lombardi: "Anyway, yesterday I was playing football with my buddies, and one of them stepped on my left hand, really hard. Today that wrist hurts and is all swollen."

Annie: "Did you have a seizure?"

Mr. Lombardi: "No, but do you think the wrist problem is from the medication increase? Because I didn't have it on lower doses."

Patient quote of the day

"I understand, but I don't understand. Do you understand?"

Mary's desk, March 27, 2013

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Khwarizmi: "Yeah, I'm driving all over, and can't find your office."

Mary: "Okay, we're in Medical Office Tower 6."

Mrs. Khwarizmi: "Yes! That's where I am! But there isn't one marked 6!"

Mary: "We're the building farthest to the east. There's a sign in front that says 'MOT 6'."

Mrs. Khwarizmi: "I must be in the wrong place. The only sign I see just says 'motvi'."

Mary: "Motvi? Wait... Okay, you ARE in the right place. The 'MOT' sign uses Roman numerals."

Mrs. Khwarizmi: "Roman numerals? Damnit, doesn't anyone speak English anymore?"

WTF?

Doing a survey last night, one allegedly for neurologists, and this question came up:

Beyond shingles I really had no comment.

Memories...

My former call partner, Dr. Darth, had an office manager (Suzee). He eventually fired her and promoted his secretary (Floozee, who he was banging on the side) to office manager.

So when Suzee needed to see a neurologist a few months later, she made an appointment with me.

Unfortunately, she came in on a week when Dr. Darth was out of town, and I was covering for him.

So as Suzee sat in my lobby, leafing through "So You're Trapped in a Doctor's Waiting Room" magazine, Floozee came in with a bunch of MRI reports for me to review in Dr. Darth's absence.

The magazine and MRI reports were quickly forgotten.

They both had pepper spray. Mary had to call hospital security to get them out before anyone got hurt.

Perseveration

Mrs. Map: "Sorry I'm late, I had trouble finding your office. My iPhone gave me weird directions."

Dr. Grumpy: "That's okay. What bring you in to see me?"

Mrs. Map: "Well I..."

Siri: "Please turn right on 24th street, then continue west."

Dr. Grumpy: "Was that your phone?"

Mrs. Map: "Um, yeah, I guess she's still trying to get me to your office."

Siri: "Please turn right on 24th street, then continue west."

Dr. Grumpy: "Siri! She found it!"

Mrs. Map: "I don't know how to turn it off."

Siri: "Please turn right on 24th street, then continue west."

I reached over and turned off the phone.

Mrs. Map: "Wow! That bitch drives me nuts!"