Patient quote of the day

"I'm looking through a fishbowl, but without fish. This is because my left toenails are all pale, which explains my neck problems."

(no, folks, the patient doesn't have a left cortical lesion. Or dementia)

Mary's Desk, March, 2013

Guy comes in, stands at counter, obviously angry.

Mary: "Can I help you, sir?"

Angry Guy: "Yes! I demand to speak to the doctor!"

Mary: "Okay, he's with a patient right now. What is this about?"

Angry Guy: "My wife saw him yesterday, and she says he told her she was fat!"

Mary: "WHAT? Sir, I've worked for Dr. Grumpy for 10 years, and he's never said anything like that to a patient."

Angry Guy: "Are you calling my wife a liar?"

Mary: "No, but I know Dr. Grumpy, and he isn't like that!"

Angry Guy: "Well, you're wrong! She even brought his card home!" (waves card in air)

Mary: "Uh, that card is for Dr. Frazzle. He's the neurologist down on the 2nd floor."

Long pause

Mr. Angry: "Well, all you neurologists are the same, and your doctor should still know better!"

(storms out, slams door)

Deja Vu

Filling out an insurance company's drug authorization form yesterday, I discovered this:

History rerun

March 12, 1944





It happened during World War II. But it isn't a war story.

It's about a basketball game. But it's not a sports story.

It involved medical students. But it's not a medical story.

It was 1944.

The Duke University Blue Devils had won the Southern Conference basketball championship. Surprisingly, though, the official university team wasn't even the best one on campus.

The military had set up wartime training programs at Duke, and brought in young men from all over the country. Many were good college players in their own right, but their schools had closed down athletic programs due to the war. So when they came to Duke they formed intramural teams.

The medical school team was considered, by far, the best (possibly the last time in human history that will be said). The players had all been stars at their previous schools. Although they never played each other, it was generally thought that the medical school team was better than the Blue Devils themselves.

It had also been a good year for another local basketball team, the Eagles of the North Carolina College for Negroes. Their coach ran an aggressive high-speed game, and they'd only lost once all season. But that was how it ended. Neither of the basketball tournaments (NCAA and NIT) allowed black colleges to participate.

The details on how it started are lost to history, but somewhere, somehow, the idea came to have the invincible Duke medical students meet the NCCN team on the basketball court.

In 1944 North Carolina this was unthinkable. It was actually a crime, and color lines were enforced. A few months earlier a black American soldier had been killed by a white bus driver for not moving to the back of a city bus fast enough (the driver was found not guilty).

Coach John McLendon of the Eagles liked the idea, and contacted his counterpart at the medical school. The white team was shocked. Such a thing was unheard of, illegal, and seemed to be just asking for trouble. But eventually their pride won, and they agreed to the game. As medical student player David Hubbell said, "We thought we could whup 'em."

The game would have to be played at the NCCN gym, because there was no way to get black students onto the Duke campus without drawing attention. They'd have a referee, but no spectators would be allowed. They'd play on a Sunday morning, when most of the town (and hopefully police) would be in bed or church. The doors to the gym would be locked as soon as all the players were inside, to keep anyone from seeing what was happening. Neither school administration was aware.

The medical students drove to NCCN with a winding route, to keep from being followed. They wore hats, and had their jackets pulled up partly over their heads to keep their skin color hidden.

Inside, the Eagles were very nervous. Aubrey Stanley (who was 16 years old at the time) later said "I had never played against a white person before, and I was a little shaky."

The game got off to a nervous start, with both sides making mistakes and missing easy shots. But they soon got into their routine. Duke went to their strong half-court game, and the Eagles played their speed attack. Stanley recalled "About midway through the first half, I suddenly realized, 'Hey we can beat these guys. They aren't supermen, they're just like us.' "

The second half was a blow-out, with the Eagles scoring almost every time they had the ball. Duke wasn't accustomed to their aggressive, high-speed, full-court game, the likes of which wouldn't be seen in the NBA for another 20-30 years.

The final score was NCCN 88, Duke Medical 44. Not even close.

And then, after the 2 teams had rested, the unthinkable happened: They played again, this time a mixed game, shirts vs. skins. Black and white on the same teams. A serious violation of state law.

A few NCCN students walking by the gym heard noise inside, looked in the windows, and saw this unthinkable match-up. Nobody called the police. It was amazing to watch.

Neither game ever happened by official records. There was no scorecard. Only the player's memories.

Jack Burgess was a Duke player. He was from Montana, and a few days after the game wrote to his family "we played basketball against a Negro college team... and we sure had fun and I especially had a good time, for most of the fellows playing with me were Southerners. When the evening was over, most of them had changed their views quite a lot."

In being able to tell this remarkable story, I (and all of us) owe a great deal of thanks to writer Scott Ellsworth. Without his determined research in chasing it down, it would have been lost to history.

Sunday afternoon

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy."

Dr. Hospital: "Yeah, I need you to re-consult on Joe deMentia, who you saw last week."

Dr. Grumpy: "The guy with Alzheimer's disease? What's up?"

Dr. Hospital: "He has memory problems."

Dr. Grumpy: "Correct. I diagnosed him with Alzheimer's disease."

Dr. Hospital: "Well, he still has it. Can you come back and do something about it?"

"I've been through my MacBook on a drive with..."

Great radiology reports

From a thoracic spine MRI:

"Degenerative changes are seen at T3, T4, and TSH."

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Crabby: "I need to make an appointment to see the doctor."

Mary: "Have you been here before?"

Mrs. Crabby: "No."

Mary: "Okay, so you'll be a new patient. We can see you on Thursday at..."

Mrs. Crabby: "No, I'm not a new patient."

Mary: "But you just said..."

Mrs. Crabby: "I've already seen another neurologist, and didn't like her. I just want someone else to tell me what they think."

Mary: "Yes, but if you've never seen Dr. Grumpy before, he'll need to take a history, and review tests you've had, and examine you."

Mrs. Crabby: "The other neurologist did all that. He can just read her notes, and decide. It won't take him more than 5 minutes."

Mary: "Ma'am, if you've never been here before he needs to take his own history and all."

Mrs. Crabby: "That's ridiculous. He can have 10 minutes of my time, no more. I'm very busy."

Mary: "I can ask him, but I'm pretty sure he'll say no."

Mrs. Crabby: "Don't bother. I'll find someone who can accommodate me."

Click

And I feel fine

Unless you lived under a rock, you were probably aware the world was supposed to end twice in 2011 (May 21, then October 21, per Harold Camping) and once in 2012 (December 21, per Mayan "scholars"). Exactly why they're so fond of the 21st remains one of those mysteries (I'm assuming because it's 1/2 of 42).

This is nothing new. Since the beginning of time, people have predicted the end of the world, thus far without success. The number of failed predictions is huge, and too long to list. People hoping for an apocalypse make Cubs fans look pessimistic.

William Miller (1782-1849) was another unsuccessful doomsday seer at 0-3. An American preacher, he initially predicted the world would end between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844 (again with the 21st!).

When the second date passed without incident he re-scheduled the apocalypse to April 18, 1844. Then, after nothing happened, postponed it to October 22, 1844. The last failed prediction so rocked his church that it became known as "The Great Disappointment" (why they were disappointed is beyond me).

Miller himself felt the errors were from incorrect translation of the Bible's chronology. He believed the end of the world was imminent, and continued to do so until it ended for him in December, 1849 at age 67.

There have been, and will continue to be, many others.

Now I, Dr. Grumpy, will tell you how, and roughly when, the world will end.

As the sun converts hydrogen to helium, it's luminosity will slowly increase over time. The rise in solar radiation will reach a critical point somewhere between 500 and 900 million years from now, reducing the carbon dioxide in Earth's atmosphere below the level at which plants can survive. As the plants die out, the amount of oxygen in the atmosphere will decrease, and all animals will be lost, too.

About 1 billion years after all life is gone, the surface temperature will increase to where liquid water can no longer exist, and the oceans will gradually vaporize into the atmosphere. Some will also collapse into the planet's mantle, due to venting of the mid-ocean geologic ridges.

What's left of the Earth, which will likely be similar to our neighbor Venus, will continue to orbit for another 3-4 billion years. At that point the Sun will reach the red giant stage of its life, and start to expand. Its increased size will take it beyond the orbits of Mercury and Venus, incinerating them.

The now widely-expanded solar atmosphere will gradually pull the Earth's orbit inward, until it too becomes ashes scattered through the outer layers of an aging star.

Eventually the Sun will throw off the outer layers, becoming a planetary nebula with a white dwarf star at the center.

The ejected layers will travel through space for another few billion years, eventually being taken up by a cloud of dust that's slowly condensing into a new solar system - just as ours formed 5 billion years ago - and again become part of a new star and its planets. Just as we're made of the base parts of a long dead solar system, so we will become another.

And that's how the world will end. And begin, again

My dogs couldn't care less about the end of the world. And I will take that cue from them.

The heat is on

You've just driven your Pontiac through the side of somebody's trailer home.

Now, the cops are after you.

To make matters worse, you aren't wearing shoes or (for unclear reasons) pants.

You also have a suspended driver's license.

And (of course) you're drunk.

There's only one thing to do: Steal the nearest vehicle from its owner and try to escape.

More great survey moments

Yeah, I'd have to agree the answer can "affect your relationship" with someone.

"Survey at Bernie's"

Thank you, Laurie!

Sales call

Dr. Grumpy: "All right, I'd like you to try this medication" (hands over script) "and I'll see you back in a month to see how it works."

Mr. Pulp: (waves script) "Doc, you call this paper? Let me give you my card. My printing company can give you real quality paper for your script pad, not this cheap crap."

1980's PSA, remade at my house

THIS IS MY DOG

THIS IS MY DOG, ON A HOT TUB

ANY QUESTIONS?

I think they're trying to tell me something