"Degenerative changes are seen at T3, T4, and TSH."
Friday, March 8, 2013
Great radiology reports
"Degenerative changes are seen at T3, T4, and TSH."
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Mary's desk
Mrs. Crabby: "I need to make an appointment to see the doctor."
Mary: "Have you been here before?"
Mrs. Crabby: "No."
Mary: "Okay, so you'll be a new patient. We can see you on Thursday at..."
Mrs. Crabby: "No, I'm not a new patient."
Mary: "But you just said..."
Mrs. Crabby: "I've already seen another neurologist, and didn't like her. I just want someone else to tell me what they think."
Mary: "Yes, but if you've never seen Dr. Grumpy before, he'll need to take a history, and review tests you've had, and examine you."
Mrs. Crabby: "The other neurologist did all that. He can just read her notes, and decide. It won't take him more than 5 minutes."
Mary: "Ma'am, if you've never been here before he needs to take his own history and all."
Mrs. Crabby: "That's ridiculous. He can have 10 minutes of my time, no more. I'm very busy."
Mary: "I can ask him, but I'm pretty sure he'll say no."
Mrs. Crabby: "Don't bother. I'll find someone who can accommodate me."
Click
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
And I feel fine
Unless you lived under a rock, you were probably aware the world was supposed to end twice in 2011 (May 21, then October 21, per Harold Camping) and once in 2012 (December 21, per Mayan "scholars"). Exactly why they're so fond of the 21st remains one of those mysteries (I'm assuming because it's 1/2 of 42).
This is nothing new. Since the beginning of time, people have predicted the end of the world, thus far without success. The number of failed predictions is huge, and too long to list. People hoping for an apocalypse make Cubs fans look pessimistic.
William Miller (1782-1849) was another unsuccessful doomsday seer at 0-3. An American preacher, he initially predicted the world would end between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844 (again with the 21st!).
When the second date passed without incident he re-scheduled the apocalypse to April 18, 1844. Then, after nothing happened, postponed it to October 22, 1844. The last failed prediction so rocked his church that it became known as "The Great Disappointment" (why they were disappointed is beyond me).
Miller himself felt the errors were from incorrect translation of the Bible's chronology. He believed the end of the world was imminent, and continued to do so until it ended for him in December, 1849 at age 67.
There have been, and will continue to be, many others.
Now I, Dr. Grumpy, will tell you how, and roughly when, the world will end.
As the sun converts hydrogen to helium, it's luminosity will slowly increase over time. The rise in solar radiation will reach a critical point somewhere between 500 and 900 million years from now, reducing the carbon dioxide in Earth's atmosphere below the level at which plants can survive. As the plants die out, the amount of oxygen in the atmosphere will decrease, and all animals will be lost, too.
About 1 billion years after all life is gone, the surface temperature will increase to where liquid water can no longer exist, and the oceans will gradually vaporize into the atmosphere. Some will also collapse into the planet's mantle, due to venting of the mid-ocean geologic ridges.
What's left of the Earth, which will likely be similar to our neighbor Venus, will continue to orbit for another 3-4 billion years. At that point the Sun will reach the red giant stage of its life, and start to expand. Its increased size will take it beyond the orbits of Mercury and Venus, incinerating them.
The now widely-expanded solar atmosphere will gradually pull the Earth's orbit inward, until it too becomes ashes scattered through the outer layers of an aging star.
Eventually the Sun will throw off the outer layers, becoming a planetary nebula with a white dwarf star at the center.
The ejected layers will travel through space for another few billion years, eventually being taken up by a cloud of dust that's slowly condensing into a new solar system - just as ours formed 5 billion years ago - and again become part of a new star and its planets. Just as we're made of the base parts of a long dead solar system, so we will become another.
And that's how the world will end. And begin, again
My dogs couldn't care less about the end of the world. And I will take that cue from them.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
The heat is on
Now, the cops are after you.
To make matters worse, you aren't wearing shoes or (for unclear reasons) pants.
You also have a suspended driver's license.
And (of course) you're drunk.
There's only one thing to do: Steal the nearest vehicle from its owner and try to escape.
More great survey moments
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"Survey at Bernie's" |
Thank you, Laurie!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sales call
Mr. Pulp: (waves script) "Doc, you call this paper? Let me give you my card. My printing company can give you real quality paper for your script pad, not this cheap crap."
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Great moments with MRI facility reps:
Dr. Grumpy: "MRI doesn't use X-rays. It uses magnetism."
Miss Lodestone: "Correct! Now that modern MRI no longer needs X-rays, we've been able to reduce the amount patients are exposed to in a scan."
Dr. Grumpy: "MRI has never used X-rays. Different physics."
Miss Lodestone: "That's why the new scanners have allowed us to bring it down by 75%!"
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Suspicious minds
Mrs. Poppy: "Hi, I need to pick up my Percocet prescription for the month."
Annie: "Hang on, let me check... Actually, we have your chart flagged. We discovered earlier this week that you're getting Percocet from 5 different doctors, and having them filled at 5 different pharmacies."
Mrs. Poppy: "Well, I can explain this..."
Annie: "Dr. Grumpy has it specifically noted not to refill your narcotics."
Mrs. Poppy: "Okay, the truth is that you're right. I am getting refills from multiple doctors. But I'm not actually taking it! I just store it. You know, in case there's ever a shortage. I keep it all in a shoe box in my closet. But I swear I'm not taking any. So can't you refill them? Because I'm really not using it at all?"
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Those be some high-fallutin words
Dr. Grumpy: "What's that?"
Mr. Migraine: "My neurotransmitters are creating a pro-inflammatory non-modulating environment of excitatory free-radicals resulting in stimulation of the trigeminothalamic activating system."
Pause
Dr. Grumpy: "So, what do you think that means?"
Mr. Migraine: "Don't know. I read it on a blog."
Monday, February 25, 2013
Office silliness
No biggie. The next morning I brought in super glue from home, and carefully put it back together. Pissy walked in just as I was finishing up.
Dr. Pissy: "What are you working on?"
Dr. Grumpy: "The C-spine model. I accidentally broke a vertebrae, and had to glue it back."
Dr. Pissy: "Where?"
Dr. Grumpy: "Right here" (points to part of model) "It snapped off when it hit the floor."
Dr. Pissy: "Looks good. I can't even see the crack."
Dr. Grumpy: "Yeah, it was easy. I can't believe they pay neurosurgeons so much to do this."
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday reruns
The distinguished faculty in the picture are named as (left to right) Drs. Sethi, Obeso, Olanow, and Stern.
Believe it or not, this is about as exciting as a party of neurologists gets. They sit around and discuss Parkinson's disease and other invigorating topics. And people wonder why I'm in solo practice.
I'm not convinced that's water in their glasses, either. Vodka, maybe.
Obviously, the star of the picture is Dr. Olanow. He looks like he's one step away from wearing a lampshade on his head. I'd like to think he's talking about his windsurfing trip over the summer, and how he accidentally ended up starring in an Absolut vodka commercial with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. More likely, though, he really is talking about Parkinson's disease. Only a neurologist can look so happy while talking about something that would scare everyone else away.
Let's try to guess what they're thinking:
Dr. Sethi: "Wow. Olanow has had too many already. He always gets the spotlight, and the hot drug reps. And what the hell did he do with my tie? As soon as I walked in he asked to borrow my tie because he forgot his, and now he isn't even wearing it. I have to remember to get the phone number for that Absolut girl who keeps refilling our glasses. I hope she saw that I drive a Porsche."
Dr. Obeso: "I have noooooo idea what they put in the vodka. I've only had 2 so far. I'm not touching it again. Holy crap, I hope I don't puke at the table. Olanow would never let me live that down. He'd probably show slides of it at next year's academy meetings. How come I'm the only one here who's wearing a tie?"
Dr. Olanow: "Man! Thish party is great! I better hit up Stern for cab fair back to the hotel, because I spent the travel stipend on the keg party last night. I hope nobody notices the tie I took from Sethi is missing. I gave it to that hot drug rep after writing my hotel room on it with her lipstick."
Dr. Stern: "I have to pee, and Olanow won't STFU. Maybe if I cross my legs. I didn't even see a bathroom when we came in. Maybe there isn't one. What do I do then? What the hell is he even talking about, anyway? Why does he need to borrow $20? He still hasn't paid me back from the last meeting. At least I have a good chance of getting laid tonight, because that sizzling drug rep gave me a tie with a room number written on it in lipstick."
Friday, February 22, 2013
Family matters
Mrs. Clueless: "I don't know. They were both adopted."
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