Mary, bring me another drink.

Dr. Heller: "This is Dr. Heller, with Major Illness Insurance."

Dr. Grumpy: "Hi, I'm trying to get a neck MRI authorized on a lady with a Horner's Syndrome."

Dr. Heller: "Why do you need a neck MRI?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Because the nerves in question go from the brain down the spinal cord, then into the top of the chest, then back up through the neck to the eye. So they can be damaged by problems in the neck, and I need to get a look at the area."

Dr. Heller: "It's ridiculous that the nerve travels so far. It seems unnecessarily complex."

Dr. Grumpy: "Look, I didn't design the system."

The Bionic...

"Steve Austin. Astronaut. A man barely alive. We can rebuild him. We can make him bigger, stronger, poopier, than he was."

Thank you, SMOD!

I'll make a note of it

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses in your family?"

Mr. Clear: "My mom had one of those things you die from."

And now...

IT WAS A REALLY BAD DAY, OKAY?!!!

No, folks, I don't really feel that way. But after an insane morning I needed to vent to someone, and Siri was the nearest listener.

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Etoh: "Yeah, I need to see Dr. Grumpy about my migraines, and a car accident."

Mary: "Okay... Generally he doesn't see legal cases. Are the 2 related?"

Mrs. Etoh: "Yeah, a migraine caused me to have a car accident, and I need someone willing to testify to that in court."

Mary: "I'm sorry, that isn't the sort of thing Dr. Grumpy does."

Mrs. Etoh: "Well, the police claim it was because my blood alcohol was 5 times the legal limit, so I need to find a neurologist to say it was falsely that high because of a migraine, and that I hadn't been drinking at all. Will he do that?"

Mary: "No. Have a nice day."

Modern theater

Dr. Grumpy: "How did you get injured?"

Mr. Powerpoint: "I was hiking in Costa Rica, when I fell, and severely lacerated my left arm."

(whips out iPhone)

"This is the mountain I was hiking on."

SWIPE

"Here's the rock I tripped over. That's my blood on it."

SWIPE

"Here's a shot of my arm. You can see the muscles hanging out and everything."

SWIPE

"This is the car my buddy took me in to get help. I made a mess. Greg didn't get his deposit back."

SWIPE

"This is the clinic we found in the nearest town."

SWIPE

"This is the doctor who stitched me up."

SWIPE

"Here's his assistant, when she had her mask off."

SWIPE

"Here's me and Greg going out for beer and shrimp afterwards."

SWIPE

"Here's Greg trying to change my gauze wrap after getting wasted."

SWIPE

"Here's..."

Seriously?

I fully support the NFL's new program "Fuel Up To Play!" with its goal of getting kids to focus more on exercise and healthy eating.

That said, they really could have come up with a better name.

Because my kids came home today with lunchbox stickers for the program that say "FUTP!"

And...

NFW

Lady with fidgety toddler: "I've been doing better on the new medication... Hey, can I borrow your iPhone?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, why? Do you need to make a call?"

Lady with fidgity toddler: "No, but Jessica broke mine yesterday, so I need to give her something to play with."

Whatever makes you happy

Dr. Grumpy: "How do you spell your first name?"

Mr. Caiman: "It's Albert, but I prefer to be called by my nickname."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's that?"

Mr. Caiman: "The Grey-Eyed Gator."

Mary's desk, January 2, 2013

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Valet: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy now, and I can't find a parking space."

Mary: "Okay... I'm looking out over the parking lot on the north side of the building, and there's quite a few open spots there. Try that side."

Mr. Valet: "I don't have time for that. I'm down by the east exit. Can you just come down and park it for me, while I see the doctor? Do you know how to drive a stick?"

Mary: "No, and that's not something I..."

Mr. Valet: "Then how about if you sit in it during my appointment, so it doesn't get towed?"

Nothing changes on New Year's Day

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Call: "Yeah, I was in ER this morning, and they told me I should call your office for an urgent appointment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, we're closed today for the holiday. If you call back tomorrow you'll be able to talk to Mary, my secretary, and she'll get you in."

Mr. Call: "But they said it's urgent. Can I come in today?"

Dr. Grumpy: "We're closed."

Mr. Call: "So? Can't you meet me at your office? Or a Starbucks or something?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. If you have a serious emergency, you'll have to go back to ER."

Mr. Call: "It's not a serious emergency. I just want to be seen today."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir..."

Mr. Call: "I'm reporting you to the state board!" (hangs up)

Doktur must rite good

This ad was recently posted on a site for freelance writing jobs:

Spelling: it isn't brain surgery. I hope.

Thank you, Donna!

Friday whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Lasix: "Yeah, my Dad is a diuretic."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean diabetic?"

Mr. Lasix: "Whatever."