IT WAS A REALLY BAD DAY, OKAY?!!!

No, folks, I don't really feel that way. But after an insane morning I needed to vent to someone, and Siri was the nearest listener.

Mary's desk

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mrs. Etoh: "Yeah, I need to see Dr. Grumpy about my migraines, and a car accident."

Mary: "Okay... Generally he doesn't see legal cases. Are the 2 related?"

Mrs. Etoh: "Yeah, a migraine caused me to have a car accident, and I need someone willing to testify to that in court."

Mary: "I'm sorry, that isn't the sort of thing Dr. Grumpy does."

Mrs. Etoh: "Well, the police claim it was because my blood alcohol was 5 times the legal limit, so I need to find a neurologist to say it was falsely that high because of a migraine, and that I hadn't been drinking at all. Will he do that?"

Mary: "No. Have a nice day."

Modern theater

Dr. Grumpy: "How did you get injured?"

Mr. Powerpoint: "I was hiking in Costa Rica, when I fell, and severely lacerated my left arm."

(whips out iPhone)

"This is the mountain I was hiking on."

SWIPE

"Here's the rock I tripped over. That's my blood on it."

SWIPE

"Here's a shot of my arm. You can see the muscles hanging out and everything."

SWIPE

"This is the car my buddy took me in to get help. I made a mess. Greg didn't get his deposit back."

SWIPE

"This is the clinic we found in the nearest town."

SWIPE

"This is the doctor who stitched me up."

SWIPE

"Here's his assistant, when she had her mask off."

SWIPE

"Here's me and Greg going out for beer and shrimp afterwards."

SWIPE

"Here's Greg trying to change my gauze wrap after getting wasted."

SWIPE

"Here's..."

Seriously?

I fully support the NFL's new program "Fuel Up To Play!" with its goal of getting kids to focus more on exercise and healthy eating.

That said, they really could have come up with a better name.

Because my kids came home today with lunchbox stickers for the program that say "FUTP!"

And...

NFW

Lady with fidgety toddler: "I've been doing better on the new medication... Hey, can I borrow your iPhone?"

Dr. Grumpy: "Um, why? Do you need to make a call?"

Lady with fidgity toddler: "No, but Jessica broke mine yesterday, so I need to give her something to play with."

Whatever makes you happy

Dr. Grumpy: "How do you spell your first name?"

Mr. Caiman: "It's Albert, but I prefer to be called by my nickname."

Dr. Grumpy: "What's that?"

Mr. Caiman: "The Grey-Eyed Gator."

Mary's desk, January 2, 2013

Mary: "Dr. Grumpy's office, this is Mary."

Mr. Valet: "Yeah, I have an appointment with Dr. Grumpy now, and I can't find a parking space."

Mary: "Okay... I'm looking out over the parking lot on the north side of the building, and there's quite a few open spots there. Try that side."

Mr. Valet: "I don't have time for that. I'm down by the east exit. Can you just come down and park it for me, while I see the doctor? Do you know how to drive a stick?"

Mary: "No, and that's not something I..."

Mr. Valet: "Then how about if you sit in it during my appointment, so it doesn't get towed?"

Nothing changes on New Year's Day

Dr. Grumpy: "This is Dr. Grumpy, returning a page."

Mr. Call: "Yeah, I was in ER this morning, and they told me I should call your office for an urgent appointment."

Dr. Grumpy: "Okay, we're closed today for the holiday. If you call back tomorrow you'll be able to talk to Mary, my secretary, and she'll get you in."

Mr. Call: "But they said it's urgent. Can I come in today?"

Dr. Grumpy: "We're closed."

Mr. Call: "So? Can't you meet me at your office? Or a Starbucks or something?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. If you have a serious emergency, you'll have to go back to ER."

Mr. Call: "It's not a serious emergency. I just want to be seen today."

Dr. Grumpy: "Sir..."

Mr. Call: "I'm reporting you to the state board!" (hangs up)

Doktur must rite good

This ad was recently posted on a site for freelance writing jobs:

Spelling: it isn't brain surgery. I hope.

Thank you, Donna!

Friday whatever

Dr. Grumpy: "Any major illnesses run in your family?"

Mr. Lasix: "Yeah, my Dad is a diuretic."

Dr. Grumpy: "You mean diabetic?"

Mr. Lasix: "Whatever."

Damn, you caught us

Dr. Grumpy: "It looks like the hematologist wants to do a bone marrow biopsy to find out..."

Mr. Gammopathy: "I'm not doing that bullshit."

Dr. Grumpy: "May I ask why?"

Mr. Gammopathy: "I know the games you people play. What you really do is inject my healthy marrow with lymphoma cells, thereby tying me into the medical-military-industrial complex that the government is running."

Post-Christmas rerun

In 2008, the following message was left on my office voicemail around 8:30 p.m. Christmas Eve:

"Hello, I'm calling from Local Pharmacy about a refill for Dr. Grumpy. It's on patient Amy Loid, for her medication. The idiots at her nursing home didn't realize she was all out until 5 minutes ago, and then were stupid enough to think they could just waltz down here and get more. But no, there were no refills.

"So if someone could please call me to refill this, this bunch of bozos at the care home want it tonight. And I'll be here, tonight, on Christmas Eve, at Local Pharmacy, all damn night. So you can reach me whenever you call. My name is Joy. Thank you."

Merry Christmas to all!

Weekend on call

Dr. Grumpy: "So you haven't been taking your seizure medication at all?"

Mr. Stoner: "I don't need to! See, my friend gives me marijuana, and if I smoke it several times a day than I don't have seizures. Hey, can you give me some while I'm here? He's not answering his phone."

Dr. Grumpy: "Local Hospital doesn't keep marijuana in the pharmacy and..."

Mr. Stoner: "Well, I'm not going to take any of your pills!"


Several hours later, at the nursing station...


Dr. Grumpy: "All right, here's some orders on the new admission. Hey, has Mr. Stoner had his EEG yet?"

Nurse: "He left AMA*. Didn't anyone tell you?"

Dr. Grumpy: "No. When did this happen?"

Nurse: "After you told him the hospital wasn't going to give him marijuana. He snuck out of his room and went down to ER, trying to find a patient there who could sell him some. When security came after him he ran out of the building and didn't come back."


*Against Medical Advice, for the non-medical readers. Basically walking out.